Blu-ray Review: Halloween II (2009): Unrated Director’s Cut

Rob Zombie’s Halloween II had a profound impact on me. It brought forth an emotion that normally only surfaces when I am either driving on the freeway or standing in line at Wal-Mart: rage. Uncontrollable, barbaric, “Who the fuck told you that you had a knack for making movies?” rage. And yet, when I sat down to write this review, I suddenly found myself at a loss as to what to say to all of you good people out there. All of the appropriate emotions were there (mostly rage), as were all of the words in my limited vocabulary pertaining to such feelings, such as “hate,” “dumb,” “stupid,” “anger,” “kill,” “maim,” and so on. But there was just no simple way of placing any of those said words in conjunction with one another. Finally, in an act of desperation, I settled for stealing a definition straight from the dictionary…

Wretched [réch?d]
adj
• inadequate or of low quality: seriously inadequate or of very low quality
• irritating: provoking irritation or anger

Surprisingly, that single definition applies to every aspect of Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. It’s an appallingly inept feature that can’t seem to decide whether it’s a horror film or just another one of Zombie’s cheesy music videos. And, while you sit there — in agony — waiting for it to decide (it doesn’t, just so we’re clear on that), you are subjected to one gory bit after another. Normally, I don’t mind gore. In fact, I pride myself on my collection of gory Italian horror films. But even the Italians knew when to put a damper on the blood (or, “less is gore,” as some say). Zombie, however, doesn’t: he goes for broke in an attempt to cater to both his own tastelessness, and that of the spoiled and desensitized YouTube generation this pile of shit was made for.

Lemme see… what else is there about Halloween II not to like? Well, let’s talk characters. Much like every other film in his less-than-stellar career, Rob Zombie makes a bold directorial decision by not including a single likable character in the entire film. From pill-poppin’ punks to sleazy skanks, Halloween II is almost completely inhabited by trailer trash. The exception, of course, is Dr. Loomis — who has gone from being the lovable loon played by Donald Pleasance in the old franchise to Malcolm McDowell’s egotistical (and thoroughly unlikable) asshole in this one. A few cameos by Margot Kidder, Howard Hesseman, and Caroline Williams bring nothing to the party (sadly).

Article Author: Luigi Bastardo

Luigi Bastardo is the disgruntled alter-ego of Adam Becvar, a thirtysomething lad from Northern California who has watched so many weird movies since the tender age of 3 that a conventional life is out of the question. …

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