"Is it a smile? Is it? Or is it in fact a loada hairy balls?"
Thrusts his head gainst mine, starts sniffin, side a the nose all caved in, the nostrils flappin in the breeze. "Sure smells like a loada hairy balls. You got a loada hairy balls hangin off a your skull?"
Thinkin. Do I? Wouldn't be the first time.
Hells fire, The Duke tryin to look as sensitive as god's creation affords for the benefit a the stripey-jumpered lass to the right, an all the while a bastard nut-sack right there 'bove the eyes.
Leper starts lookin round my back, then a surprised yelp. "Well I'll be damned in the wank, if it isn't Peter Jackson right up 'side the sphincter!"
Sarcastic laugh from Yours Truly.
Ah, I see what you're doin here, I'm sayin. Very good. Aye, I'm bein shafted by Peter Jackson for to pretend I really dug King Kong, bein shoved in the direction a pennin a glowin review no-one reads on account of it's a 78'000 screed wi only 67 words havin any relevance to Kong or King, and most a them involving King Kong Lives, being the pinnacle of Kong-related cinema hitherto this epic, this masterpiece, this "full exploration of what PETER JACKSON saw and wanted to explore in the original film".
Leper gives a shifty glare. "Knowles?"
Aye. So anyway, point is no, and, truth be told, I didn't even think it was gonna be that especially wonderful, I wasn't…
"…Bothered about the hype, and really I thought Kong looked a bit fake in the trailers. Aye?"
Pausin. Then;
Shut up, bastard-face.
I need to get the hell back home, don't you see, my lady-woman's fixin for to filth my shoulders out my back, I ain't got time for this nonsense.
"An what you gonna tell her when she says 'So, Cummy O'Tool, how was it?' You gonna look her in the eyes an lie like a filthy Taliban to your own Best Gal? You gonna mention how insufferably flabby the first hour is? You gonna talk about how wretched all those slow-motion shenanigans really are? Or are you just gonna fall on the floor wi the pains in the prostate an through gritted gum-stools say 'Oh honey-pie, Kong was amazing! The next step in CGI character creation!'"
"He was amazing!"
And he was, too.
"Oh stop it!" he hisses, the tongue all boils an whelps. "What next, dare I for a second ponder? Loada shite 'bout how touching it is, all that 'Ooh, he really loves Naomi Watts out the film about dyin'? Maybe 'Well, I didn't expect to cry my face in five, but there they are, chards a face lyin all o'er my damn knees.' Why don't you say about how you forgot it was even CGI, it was all so amazing. Why don't you say it just amazed the hair off a your bones, the amazing-ness of it all."
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Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
"Is it a smile? Is it? Or is it in fact a loada hairy balls?"
I'll be laughing over that one all day. Thanks Duke, tis a great job once again.
Damn, do you ever suck?
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh glad you dug it Mat. i allowed myself a cheeky egotistical chuckle at that one myself, i confess. i also woke from a dream at 5am this morning, laughing, on account of someone in said dream announcing "i've got a bad case of the buggers". i woke up roarin wi laughter. i didn't get back to sleep again neither. it was THAT funny.
3 - DJRadiohead
What is this world coming to?
Great stuff, Duke. Thanks for flingin' a hells holy acre in there. I still like that one. And you can never go wrong with a load of hairy balls reference.
Well done.
4 - Eric Berlin
I feel as though your leper jumped straight out of Anthony Burgess' head and into our world. Anytime a character appears and says something like: "What's that you got there, brother?" he's snarlin, pointin at my head wi half a finger.
Then I know I'm in for the full ride.
Great work, Duke...
5 - DJRadiohead
Plastic fuck wand
I dug that one, too!
6 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
DJ and Eric, thanks for stoppin by fellas! DJ, the hells holy acres was just for you. And sir Berlin, i REALLY must read some Burgess some a these days. Quite a few times i've reached for Clockwork Orange, then held back at the last minute.
7 - Eric Berlin
The cliche it's become and film aside (which I love -- you either love it or hate it, I think, ain't much middle ground... course I saw it first when I was 12 or so!) it's a smashingly brilliant book, works on levels of sociology and satire and politics and it's a damned fine strange interesting read all the while. Plus lots of sex and violence of the strange and kinky sort if that does you.
My favorite Burgess novel might be End of the World News which is even stranger and might be even greater in the end.
8 - El Bicho
"Plus lots of sex and violence"
That would be ultra-violence, EB.
9 - Eric Berlin
Very true, El B, real horrorshow.
10 - Bennett
Fun Stuff Duke, I too dug the refs to Kong's nads, and now I MUST see this flick.
Thanks for the bizzare trip!
11 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh, it's all about the nads. although i since discovered that an ape's willy is only about an inch long, so really, even an ape the size a Kong wouldn't have THAT excessively large a thingy.
EB, i'll keep an eye out for that number, yes, an i probably should read Clockwork Orange. i stole one a the man's filth-terms ("the old in-out"), it's the least i can do. plus, i think i might be a rare example of middle-ground relating to the film. i'm kinda "meh" about it all. a fair chunk of it is wonderful, but as a whole it kinda bores me a bit. maybe i need to see it again...
12 - Eric Berlin
I kind of think it's Kubrick's best work, actually. Well, maybe The Shining's better, but those two films are the ones that match his signature austere coldness with some actual visceral life force, you know?
Clockwork is definitely something you have to be in the mood for, that's for sure. Keep in mind that while it's true to the book, Burgess has a language and a music to his stories that can't be replicated. Perhaps I sense that music in the film and that's why I like it as much as I do.
Then again, some probably just think I'm a sick bastard for saying I dig either!
13 - Mat Brewster
Love the book and the film. Though if I'm trying to be smart or arty I'll say 2001 is Kubricks best film. If I'm being honest I dig Dr Strangelove the most.
That's the only Burgess I've read. Sounds like I'll have to read another one sometime real soon.
I guess I'll have to see Kong too.
14 - Aaron Fleming
"a meth-crack fix upside the fuck"
Hahaha! Pains me that I only just now got to read this fine work, due to a bunch of renegade AOL fascists ravaging my femurs with decadence in the penises.
Another excellent piece of reviewage from yourself. Love the narrative arc of the car park conversation, and ya can't beat the inclusion of a leper as one of the central characters. I will have to check out the flick as soon as that sacred oportunity happens upon me.
15 - DJRadiohead
I've never read or viewed "Clockwork Orange."
I might have to look that up while I'm on Christmas break.
16 - gypsyman
As usual something for us mere mortals of prose to strive for. The ultimate stars of review land again come poring out of your brain. No need to see the movie. Could only be a disapointment and I get forceibly removed for standing up in the middle and yelling to speak to the fuckin leper.
gypsyman
17 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Sir Fleming and Gypsyman, thanks for stoppin by, and for the kind words, also. Both of you, i think, would enjoy the flick immensely. Why in hells name wouldn't you? i can hardly for a second imagine.
DJ, Clockword Orange is worth seeing, although it's not Kubricks best, which is in fact Dr Strangelove, as Mat ALMOST asserts. very overrated director, mr Kubrick. he's great at making brilliant half-movies. Full Metal Jacket, Clockwork Orange, The Shining, these've always been great movies half of the time for me.
18 - Sam Jack
Whenever I get done reading one of your things, I'm never quite sure what just happened. Heh.
-Sam
19 - DJRadiohead
So I recently saw this movie and I came out with likely the worst possible reaction ever... a shrug. It was not a horrible piece of dammit. It was not a life-changing film of epic proportions. It was a decent movie but it has a woman falling in love with a fucking gorilla or some such primate. OK. It was pleasant but... I just didn't give a fuck. It wasn't bad enough to invest any energy hating it. It was not worthy of raves.
SPeaking of raves though, this review is worthy of raves. Hells holy acre, for fuck sake.
20 - Scott Butki
A shrug is good summary of my reaction to it. It led to my lukewarm piece on the movie.