American Idol's Passion Is Motown Funky
Chapter 5: Spoofing My Religion
By: The Raging Critic
Just two short weeks ago we were treated to the gospel roots of soul music. Tonight, we are taking on its descendent genre now known as Motown. You see, slavery and religion begat soul music, which begat funk music, which begat Motown music, which begat R&B, which begat Pop, which begat American Idol.
Wow - pass me the holy water now please!
So in the spirit of this week's theme, I tossed my lasso and chaps into the closet and reached for the nearest bass guitar and started to strum!!!! I gathered up all of this season's church-choir-singing idols (pretty much everyone except John Peter Potatogeist) and prepared to find the real PASSION of Motown!
Seatriscuit then pops out of my closet and runs onto the stage (hey - he is "OUT" now, remember). He looks as angelic as ever in his pretty white suit. He then tells us that The Funk Brothers are here to provide us with some lovely background music. WOOOOHOOOO! It is finally safe to clean those cobwebs out from the Studio A basement! It's time for a little revival!
Next, Seatricsuit brings out our first set of guest judges this season! It's a bird, it's a plane, no - - - IT's IT's - - - Ashford and Simpson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The camera pans over to the dynamic duo and.......EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK...... OH MAH GAWD - - It's JESUS!!!! I could have sworn they said he was from Nazareth. Maybe that got lost in translation and he was really from Nairobi???? Hmmmmm. I guess we should all just try to get along since we can't ever seem to agree - - - - right?????
Seriously though folks - what is it with the 1970's funked out brothers? They still have their long hair!!! Remember Verdine White from last season???? I would have actually believed that Ashford was Jesus. But then I recall that Mel Gibson already showed the world the true story of Jesus! That's right, we all know he is really Jim Caviezal!
But before the last supper gets cold, lets line up the apostles from Judas Priest to Jumping Jahosaphets...
10. Jon Stevens - "My Girl" -Temptations
Opie the Red Snapper comes out and he is dressed to kill. Unfortunately, so were his vocal cords. With one sweeping blow of his terrible song choice, Jon Stevens killed all of us tonight. He had a really rough time with the high notes and at one point, he even choked on his own vibrato!!!! SOMEONE SMACK THIS POOR CROONER ON HIS BACK PLEASE!!!!! I think he has a lyric or two lodged in his windpipe!
Article comments
1 - Mark Saleski
geezuz, i'm so tired of the Motown thing.
they need to pick an new and unknown label.
like, maybe, Stiff Records.
i'd love to hear that tall redhead dude sing "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick".
2 - TheRagingCritic
<<>>
LOL!
3 - Michelle
this time nobody of the contestants convinced me. the show was rather boring, which is terrible considering that motown rocks.
4 - Eric Olsen
I agree it's Camille's turn for the boot, although Jon Stevens couldn't have sucked more if he had been doing wind tunnel maintenance. Great job as always!
Waht was that I vaguely heard about the contestants getting kicked out of their house?
5 - Pappy
You all know why they do Motown right? The same reason they started out with soul:
Soul and Motown favor black singers. This has been a ploy to keep black singers on. If they had done "Big Band" last night, John Stevens, the redheaded guy with the Dean Martin sound, would get most votes, and
Fantasia, who the Idol judges are trying to get into the finals versus Latoya, would be in the bottom 3 because Fantasia, the Macy Gray clone, can't do Big Band. But she can do Motown, and Soul.
Even her country effort didn't sound country. The only person who really had a country sound was Amy Adams. The rest avoided it, AND WERE NOT SCOLDED FOR IT. Yet the judges won't admit that Motown favors Fantasia/Latoya and disfavors the John's. The American public needs to see that Idol is rigged to favor certain contestants.
This is starting to get pathetic. One week of soul: favors black singers.
Next week country: should favore the non-black singers, but the black singers get away with straying from country.
Motown: favors black singers IMMENSELY.
I think Jon Stevens has more fans than Camille, so I think (and hope) Camille will get the boot, but if Stevens remains, what's up next week? R&B? Hip hop?
This is a joke, just like last season when Fox Execs blatantly rigged it for Ruben to win because they thought Clay was gay and didn't want an Idol winner to be gay.
If it weren't a joke, the least Fox could so, with respect to voting, is have it audited by a major accounting firm the same way award shows are done.