Seatriscuit Tosses A Joker Into The Deck
American Idol Wild Cards Make Us Play 52-Pick-Up
By: The Raging Critic
I was all prepared for a night of 12 wild card performances. I got out my deck of American Idol tarot cards and placed 12 cards in a row. I saw 4 axes and one pink flamingo. There was a joker card that somehow got misplaced in the deck. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD SIGN! Next there was Spongebob Squarepants trading card followed by the Grim Reaper. The next card was a mountain covered in flowers. The eleventh card was a rotten flower and the last card was a frying pan. I did not know what to make of it, but rest yourselves assured, this night was set to sizzle.
That is, until Seatriscuit (formerly known as Ryan Seacrest) threw a joker into the deck. He runs through the Coke Red Room and jumps through the camera lens and into my bedroom. He picks up the cards and the only four cards to land face up were the axes. He leaps back onto the television (after infesting my room with glitter) and tells us that four unlucky hopefuls would be getting the axe!
By this time I thought he was bluffing, and I knocked on the floor to call him out on it. He tossed his hand into the air and I tried to save all that I could. I could not save four of them as the tarot cards will never lie. Lisa, Marque, Tiara, and Eric were clubbed to death with Seatriscuit's best flush - RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET!
Seatriscuit warns us to hold on as we ride through the sewers. So hold your nose and catch your breath America, we are riding out this drainer from top to bottom...........
8. John Peter Lewis - "A Little Less Conversation"
John Peter has changed his middle name to Lucky. That's right, this lucky peter made it all the way to the wild card night. Unfortunately, lady luck did not dress Johnboy with a better wardrobe. He looked like an Abercrominable Snowman. He was wearing a t-shirt that said 68th Street School. Hey - isn't 68th Street where the presidents brother picks up little Asian prostitutes?????? Oh well, at least not tonight. Tonight, 68th street is where Elvis Pressley impersonators hang out (look out Marcus Butts).
Lucky started out singing like a total weirdo. He pushed and prodded and finally got a few words out edgewise. It almost sounded as if he was grunting poop. To make matters worse, little Johnnie started flailing around and his eyes were popping out of his head. MY GOODNESS BOY - YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE YOURSELF HEMORRHOIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all, he wasn't singing "A Little Less Constipation" - WAS HE???? Well, whatever he was singing, it was not pretty. It was a performance that only Linda Blair could rival.
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