American Idol Pinches Off A Lucky Charm
Episode II: Lucky Charms
By: The Raging Critic
Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purples horseshoes..... Those were the Lucky Charms we used to feed ourselves as children. After all, they were MAGICALLY DELICIOUS. Somehow, this festive day is no different. American Idol charmed us half to death last night. The only thing missing was a little elf dressed in green to annoy the living daylights out of us.
[Enter Clay Aiken]
Impish and spry as ever, our musical elf is making his big guest appearance tonight. SHEESH. Can it get any better than this folks?????? As annoying as some people may find our little guy, there is no denying that he adds an element to the American Idol aura that is certainly necessary. He is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! So get your trusty fairy dust out and sprinkle it around folks - tonight it going to be a St. Patty's Day EXTRAVAGANZA!
Seatriscuit appears and he is blowing on some bagpipes and wearing a kilt. As he trapses into the light for his big entrance, we are instantly scolded for the results of our phone calls. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE AMERICA?" Are you kidding me?????????? So now that the show has become magically delicious, it is somehow OUR fault if it goes bad????? Ryan, I could just pinch you right now!!!!!!!
Seatriscuit introduces the finalists and we are having an intimate chat with the idols. John Stevens is oblivious as to how he can get Randy Jackson on his side. I am oblivious as to how anyone can be on his side after last night's God forsaken mess of a performance. J-Hud is antsy to get the heck outta dodge. She wants to go home to Chicago and swim in the green river and hang out with all the drunk Polish people who are pretending to be Irish. George Huff is doing his Humpty dance and shaving his legs. Apparently, he found the shears in the garage of the new mansion - you know, the old pair that Ruben Studdard used to shave that sheep mascot last season. Someone has stuck a banana in Jon Peter's tailpipe..... Can someone please calm him down a bit???? The last thing the producers need is for his head to start spinning around. IT MIGHT SCARE ALL OF THE CHILDREN AWAY!!!!!
Before we cut to a set of commercials, Seatriscuit introduces the first super-retarded commercial in a series of product-placement gimmicks. For those of you who are just joining us this season - we are destined to suffer through these moronic comercials all season long.
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