American Idol Meets Bathhouse Barry
Chapter 11: Transsexxual Swan
By: The Raging Critic
Hi everyone, I'm baaaaaaack. I am so sorry for abandoning you all last week. However, I am going to be on a new reality television show and I was away from my computer! I was too busy being strapped down on the operating table. YIPEEEEEEEE! You see, I am going to be competing on "The Transsexual Swan" this season. The doctors gave me a gender reassignment and sucked a ton of fat out from my body. I am competing for the pageant next week and I am just hoping to beat that other tranny for the prize. I think my new name is going to be "Fantasia" when I compete on the show. Oh drats, that name is already taken isn't it?
Nevertheless, I am your critic and I am back to rage on. Yes, I had a quick recovery, but man is my hoo-hoo sore.
I am tuning in once again to bring you the unfiltered, peculiar, bizarre, most ridiculous review of the American Idol show that you will ever find on the Internet. The Raging Critic is back (minus a few parts). And he will also tell you how it "tee-eye-is" too...
And wallah! Our hero, Ryan Seatriscuit, shimmers onto the screen (as if we are not used to this whole drill by now). He tells us that seven singers are at our mercy.
HIP HIP HOOOORAY!
Ryan introduced the peanut gallery. Simon has apparently decided to join the "Transsexual Swan" crew too because Ryan called him "Lola Falona." Randy was deemed the stereotypical bass strummer while Paula smiled the night away. What's more, our guest judge and themesake has escaped from the bathhouses and landed right smack dab in the middle of American Idol Arena. Ladies and gentlemen may I present - THE ONE, THE ONLY - BARRY MANILOW!
Barry has a long list of credentials. He is a writer, composer, entertainer, musician, poet, singer, and last but not least - he is THE MOST BORING staple of the 1970's. He edges out the famed mime team, Shields and Yarnell, by a country mile.
When Barry was still a musical tater tot, he started singing in bathhouses. He would do a few songs in the glory holes at 10:00 p.m. with follow-up encore performances in the steam room at 11:00. But I would imagine that the leather sling room at midnight was the showstopper! EEEEEEEEK!
Article comments
1 - Eric Olsen
High-larious as always - you rule! Man, I hope it's John - the time has long since come.
2 - i
John Stevens for President! Woo!!