American Idol Gets The Sunshine Jinx
On The Day Of The Florida Primaries, The Show Produces Some Bizarre Results
By: The Raging Critic
From the moment I turned my television on I had an eeeeeeeeeerie feeling. That creepy announcer started harking from behind the American Idol moniker. "LAST NIGHT, EIGHT PEOPLE GOT A SECOND SHOT!" Oh yeah Mr. Announcer, last night EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE FELT LIKE THEY GOT SHOT. We were robbed of Marque Lynche, Lisa Leuschner and the rest. I felt like some bizarre form of pop culture gerrymandering had robbed me of my American Idol voting rights.
AND WOULDN'T YA JUST KNOW IT - THE STATE OF FLORIDA HAD THEIR WEIRD VOTING ENERGY FLOATING THROUGH THE AIR YESTERDAY!!!!!
Thankfully, I shook off my displeasure as Seactriscuit introduced the whole cast of Eight Is Enough - IS ENOUGH! Matt is grinning from ear to ear. His teeth are sparkling as if he just inhaled a whole tube of Gleam. J-Hud is trash-talking her own personal designer. Apparently, Miss Hudson did not feel too comfortable wearing an outfit made of Owens-Corning's Pink Panther house insulation. We learn that John Peter has hidden treasures!!!!! OH MY GAWD - HE'S GOT THAT LITTLE MIDGET GIRL TIED UP SOMEWHERE DOESN'T HE? EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
And now a public service announcement by The Raging Critic...
NEWS FLASH
"Playing It Straight" Airs Friday Night On Fox
Please tune in to see a friend of mine competing on the show. His name is Luciano. Trust me ladies (and gentlemen of the alternative persuasion) - YOU WILL THANK ME FOR THIS ALERT!
The Return of The Prom King Kong
Seacrest then tells us that we have a special guest singer tonight. Ohhhh, and they have 18 "u"s in their name???? WOWIE MOWIE - It's Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuben Studdard! Ole' Rube plops out onto the stage and brushes the cookie crumbs off of his super sized chest. He came to sing the first ever live performance of his new release. This is the Court TV theme song for the Martha Stewart trial, "I'm Sorry for 2004."
Ruben belched himself out of the gate and right into the song. At first I thought to myself, "I am sorry you had to sing this wretched song." However, as the song progressed, Ruben fell right into it. Seactriscuit runs over to the velvet Teddybear and gives him a wash cloth. Then the camera panned out and I realized it was a beach towel. Man, that dude is huge! And where the heck is Jessica Lange - isn't she supposed to be in this scene???????
Article comments
1 - i
John's voice kicks ass; it's you what are tone deaf. Or, perhaps, just unwilling to let yourself out of the squiggle box. THE SQUIGGLE BOX, IT'S WHERE YOU LIVE!!! WITH YOUR TICKLING CHADS!
Not one of those benchwarmers was better than him. At all. Unless you want bland beentheredonethats. I voted nine hundred and seventeen times for John. And once for George, cuz he's good too.