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Urgent news for the politically savvy blogger…

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“Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen.”


I’m serious. There are things in this country and in this world that have nothing to do with George W. Bush. Or Iraq. Or religious zealots. Or gay marriage.


There are even some people in this world that don’t even care about partisan issues.

This morning while I was getting dressed for class, I decided to wear my light blue “holey” sweater. A rational person would say that this was the sweater I independently chose to wear today. But then you get partisans who will tell you, “Oh, she chose blue because she’s a Democrat and she hates America!” or “She’s wearing a holey sweater because Bush lied and stole her good sweater and he lied about Iraq!”

Most rational people are thinking there’s no way my clothing choice could be turned into a partisan issue. But it could. It probably will, too.

With Hurricane Katrina in the south, what most could see as a tragedy of nature has turned into, surprise surprise, another partisan attack on why George W. Bush is a bad president, or why we’re all sinners. It was a hurricane. I didn’t pay much attention in my natural science class, but I believe hurricanes are spurred by tiny gremlins living deep under the sea. And you know what? I don’t think those gremlins give two shits about who’s Republican or Democrat, sinner or saint.

Like it or not, we’re in Iraq. Like it or not, gas prices are obnoxious. Like it or not, my Spring Break 2006 destination is underwater. You have to deal with it, and we can either deal with it by fighting amongst ourselves, or we can suck it up and stand behind the leadership of our leaders, better or worse, for the next three years.

Like it or not.

Whether or not you actually pay attention to prophecy, or believe in karma, or believe in the tiny hurricane gremlins, the simple fact is that this country is not going to get better, things are not going to be resolved, until we can get past our partisan differences, depolarize ourselves, and come together.

Like it or not.

When it comes down to it, not everything is an opportunity to attack the other side. Sometimes we just have to get over our differences long enough to say “Fuck it,” and get along with those obnoxious, arrogant Republicans. Or those baby-eating Democrats.

We may intend to solve things with our particular partisan beliefs. We may intend to make things better. We may even intend to help people. But the fact of the matter is, this country doesn’t live with intentions, it lives with consequences. And the consequences of our partisan actions are much more negative than the intentions behind them.

And in case you were wondering, I did pick the blue sweater because I hate America.

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About Chelsea Smith

  • things are not going to be resolved, until we can […] come together.

    Like last night when we had sexual relations?

  • As Sussman has astutely pointed out, he and I are a prime example of partisan opposites coming together.

    Sex makes everything better.


  • I was going to ask if Chelsea Lou (Sussman’s apparent blog biatch) was hot, but then I clicked her name and saw that she quotes that idiot poseur Tucker Max right next to her name on the blog.

    And that was about enough of that.

    The only people who like Tucker Max, think he’s funny, and believe his geek turned wannabe party guys stories are lame virgin guys and fat, drunk chicks.

    He’s like the guy who tried too hard in your pledge class and whom no one wanted to hang out with because he wouldn’t shut up about chicks despite never getting any. He’s an insecure geek selling an image of a sociopath rich party boy to gullible, misogynistic man-children who don’t know any better. Worse yet, he’s not funny. At all. And anyone who reads his crap or thinks he is funny is a total douche, from my experience.

    I’ve had the horror of having my sense of humor compared to him by two really stupid, repulsive people in the last few months. And they were both women, neither of whom was hot, incidentally. I took it as a grave insult by drunk cows and didn’t even acknowledge the reference. The only women who think he represents how guys talk or think are women who don’t know or understand real men. He’s no alpha male, ladies. Trust me. He’s more afraid of you and your vagina than you are of men (or fake Internet approximations of masculinity).

    That is all.

  • For what it’s worth, I like Sussman.

    I just really don’t get why Tucker Max has any popularity among blog geeks.

    That is all.

  • I’m not really a Tucker Max fan. Personally, I think he’s obnoxious and arrogant and his blog stuff really isn’t all that funny. I just thought his intro sort of embodied my smartass persona. That is all.


  • OK, fair enough, honey 🙂

    If you take it down, I’ll consider you hot and we’re cool 🙂 I’m just worried Tucker will see your blog one day and start beating off to the attention.

    I’m from Chicago, I’ve heard about what he’s like from people who know him and have seen him about, and trust me, you wouldn’t even notice him twice if you met him. He’s laughable, not funny, and a little annoying pest, in the opinion of those in the know around here.

    Any biatch of Sussman’s is alright with me.

    That is all.

  • Really, Bob. Please like us.

  • Three people agree with each other. That’s today’s record.

  • Celeste O.

    Nice picture. Young and in love. Just shave that awful goatee and trim up that bowl cut before the wedding.

  • Celeste is funny.

    Yeah, you’re a cute couple.

    And Sussman, she’s way too good for you 🙂 Remember that whenever she bugs you about watching baseball on TV.

    You crazy kids 🙂

    Take Tucker Max off your blogs and I’ll give you my eternal blessing.

    That is all.

  • BOWL CUT???

    Never had one in my life. That’s simply a camera trick.

    And I no longer have the goatee. Now it’s a full beard. (Got lazy, electric razor ran out of juice while on the road. It’s trimmed though.) Chelsea secretly loves it.

  • Booey, that’s just hooey!

    Sorry. I’ve wanted to say that ever since I first saw your name like, months ago. I don’t know. I’m weird.

    Alka Seltzior!

  • Chelsea, be honest with him about the goatee, honey 🙂 You weren’t loving it.

    Celeste (I love your frozen pizza by the way) is right about the goatees.

    But I still can’t be mad at you crazy kids in love, no matter what kind of crap you read on that there Internet.

    That is all.

  • Chelsea, you’re funny 🙂

    Have your people call mine when you want to go on “Cheaters” with me. My girlfriend followed me to one of my kickboxing classes, though, so watch out. Sorry, Sussman 🙂

    I just figured out what your “Alka Seltzior” thing is making fun of. That guy’s a goof. The best I could come up with was “Excalibur!”

    Yours is slightly funnier, if more pun-ny. Or should I say punnier?

    OK, the lovefest has gotten too geekarific for me.

    Tucker Max wouldn’t approve of the peace, love and unity.

    That is all.

  • Bob, that picture was taken at my sorority’s formal. Sussman has a thing against Greeks. I was just glad he showed up … facial hair and the like was the least of my concerns.

    Sorority girl (past president, no less). Published anti-Greek. Irony at your finest.

  • Awwww, you kids are just a walking contradiction. So what’s the political difference exactly? He’s liberal and you’re an um former sorority president? 🙂

    Oh, and Chelsea, will you replace Tucker Max’s quote with one of mine?

    I’m a much better writer than he is. I’m much better at the scorched-earth male narcissist thing. Wouldn’t you agree after reading my nonsense for months? Or perhaps you viewed me similarly? Yikes. I don’t know what impression people take away, honestly. What was yours?

    That is all.

  • Celeste O.

    From the shadows, I think you could be a good writer, Bob. But you spend too much time debating instead of composing. And therefore wasting talent.

    And I’ve never heard that frozen pizza joke before.

  • First of all, this was an outstanding little essay both stylistically and in the sensible message. Gave me warm fuzzy feelings.

    But then I add in that picture, and…

    See, I like Mr Sussman well enough and all. He seems like a pretty decent fellow. I don’t really WANT to hurt him or anything, understand. But if he was the only thing standing between me and the beautiful and witty Miss Chelsea…

    For you I could overlook it, but why DO you hate America so much?

  • I hate America for their constant discrimination against balloon doggies.

    I didn’t ASK to be the ambassador of Balloon Doggies. The Balloon Doggies DEMANDED it!

  • Ugh, Al, go away.

    Don’t bring your creepiness, ass-kissery and bad flirting over here.

    Celeste: I’m not a creative writer. I don’t do fiction. I’m a critic and maybe I say a funny thing here or there (usually funnier than the frozen pizza joke, which was still pretty damn funny). But a very interesting insight nonetheless 🙂 You hit on one word that really shows you’re pretty smart. Do you write on here otherwise? I’ll have to check your stuff out if you do. You should definitely write more often.

    Chelsea: When you have taken down Tucker Max and replaced him with my sublime and ridiculous verbiage, then I’ll call Cheaters and let Joey Greco know he’s on call.

    That is all.

  • Poor balloon doggies. We should take some time out from this Katrina business and organize some kind of telethon for the balloon doggies. After all, aren’t THEY the real victims?

  • Revolting, like a pile of rancid filth covered by the putrid sewage of desperation.

    This thread is ruined for me now.

    That is all.

  • Never one to stroke others’ … egos … I just replaced it with my own sentiments. Simple. Elegant. Chelsea.

    And by the way, if people enjoy me and Suss on the blogosphere, you should read

    Okay. Don’t read the Official Comment policy. But do read the blog associated when clicking my name in this comment.

  • >>Like it or not, we’re in Iraq. Like it or not, gas prices are obnoxious.

    Your post with some of the examples given also seems to be an argument for “sit back and take it, don’t bitch, don’t complain. Enjoy it.”

    On Hurricane Katrina, which I think sparked this post, that’s true. Deal with the disaster first. Be one of those who steps p and does something good, not one of those who only quarterbacks from in front of the computer screen

    On some of the more .. ahem .. political issues … people should look and prod and push for better solutions.

  • Temple, I do agree with you to an extent. Do I think we should be complacent with political practices and decisions that we personally don’t agree with? Of course not. That’s the beauty of a democracy like ours. We don’t HAVE to agree with it. However, when it comes down to one side bitterly fighting the other, all in the name of “democracy,” THAT is when it becomes a problem.

    Like I said, we live with consequences, not with intentions.

  • Mark the Sane and Sensible

    “On some of the more .. ahem .. political issues … people should look and prod and push for better solutions.”

    The only actual way to do that is at the ballot box, not posting to a blog to impress your so-called friends on the web.

  • Mark the Sane and Sensible

    “However, when it comes down to one side bitterly fighting the other, all in the name of “democracy,” THAT is when it becomes a problem.”

    There is nothing worth gaining in life without some kind of battle. Politics is war, not a tea party.

  • Comment 27: Of course that’s true. Eccept there are other ways than voting to voice opinions and act to find solutions, so don’t feel limited.

    Thanks Chel-L.

  • Waiting for this to become an angry partisan posting war in 3…2…1…….


    Huh? What?

    I finally read this thing and I figured out that Chelsea is the Democrat and Sussman’s the evil GOPer 🙂 That makes more sense now.

    I hope they rebuild New Orleans for Mardi Gras — I was so gonna go again this year. If it’s not ready by this spring, I’ll definitely go next spring to support the local economy down there.

    And more importantly, the super-neat Voodoo Music Experience on Halloween weekend (which has become one of the primo American alternative rock festivals along with Coachella and Lollapalooza) looks like it’ll now be cancelled. I wasn’t going to go, but it’s always a great, great lineup.

    I don’t think Chel-L is a good nickname.

    Maybe “sea-Lou” or “Chelly Chel.”

    Did anyone else see the thing where she did the dot dot dot and then the “ego” thing? She so wasn’t thinking ego.

    Sussman, regulate your woman.

    That is all.

  • Wrong again, Bob.

    Actually, Suss and I are both registered independents and self-declared moderates. I just typically lean to the left, he leans right.

    And I usually just go by Chels. “Lou” is short for “Louise,” my middle name.

  • Centrists and moderates bore me. Did you both vote for Kerry?

    It reminds me of a passage from Revelations (by way of Nietzsche’s interpretation), which I don’t encourage my women to take literally, of course: “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm — neither hot nor cold — I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

    Your middle name is so earnestly Midwestern, like what your Ma and Pa would call out on the farm when they rang the dinner bell. “Chels” is much hipper, more big city hot.

    You two should write a couples’ column in the paper together called “Chels and Suss.”

    That is all.

  • It’s too bad Sussman’s so straight because I’d ask him out. I love his sense of humor and dry wit. Sorry, Al Barger, the gold lame halter top did me in.

  • Actually, Suss and I are both registered independents and self-declared moderates. I just typically lean to the left, he leans right.

    Don’t most things in nature lean to the left, anyway?

  • She’s right, for once.

    I’m just a man who likes his taxes low and his federal government small. After that it’s rather scattered and easygoing.

    Hence me being somewhere between right here…

    … and over here.

  • billy

    did somebody say fat drunk chicks?

  • Yo Brother Silas, how did a gold lame halter top come into this mess?

  • I was fantasizing about you, Al. And you in a gold lame halter top takes my mind of all the other troubles in our world. So thanks for being my focus.

  • gonzo marx

    but i’m the goof…i see hwo it is..


    interesting post, always good to see Suss’ better half at the keys…

    wait for it…you know you want to see it….you know it’s coming…wait….


  • Oh, gonzo. Thank God a voice of sanity and reason has finally come in!

    By the way a bus has overturned north of Lafayette, LA.

  • Happy to be of service, Silas.

    Huh-huh, I said “service.”

  • Have you seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” Gonzo and Senator Al Barger?

    No reason, just wondering.

    The Senator’s just a big cuddly ball of weirdness, isn’t he, Silas? He’d be like a ratty teddy bear you find in the dump under an old discarded toilet tank.

    Silas, tell me if this seems like an accurate definition from your experience:

    “Bear” Glossary
    From Ramon Johnson, Your Guide to Gay Life.
    Definition: A gay man that has a lot of body and/or facial hair. Bears are often considered to have “cuddly” bodies.

    That is all.

  • gonzo marx

    nope, ain’t seen the flick..as fer yer snarky implication…nope again, happily married fer the last 20 years…

    but i digress…


  • Dude, so right on the money. Bears are the best. A rolly-polly guy is not only huggable but full of fun and compassion.

    OMG, I just checked Al’s site out. He’s a cuddly bear! That’s awesome! And he’s from Indiana which means he has that Mid-Western sensibility and no nonsense approach. Damn, Al, you’re husband material! And speaking of Indiana, Al, who did Hastert go and support at the fund raiser today?

  • Aw shucks, Silas. My proclivities run the other direction- though I reserve at least the theoretical right to make an exception for a sweet talker. But yeah, I would definitely be one of those calming cuddle bears- no drama queen nonsense for me.

  • As a wise poster on this blog once said, we’re all a six-pack away from hopping the fence, Al.

  • I’m just kidding ya, Gonzo. Excalibur!

    I say take what you can get, Senator.

    Silas: would you go so far as to say that Senator Al Barger might have a future as a gay sex symbol or icon of cuddly bear-ness if he so chose after his historic career in politics? Would you help him find his honeypot?

    Thank you for letting us into your world (and perhaps Al too).

    That is all.

  • Hmm, B.A.B. I bet Jeff Gannon would take Senator Al for a spin. I’d definitely make Senator Al the poster boy for cuddly American men. He’s got that ‘down home’ charm and Mid West attitude that’s sorely lacking in this country. Hey, Al? Hoosier daddy?

  • I might actually get a career… as a gay escort. Oy.

  • Silas, if you want Suss for a weekend, I’m not going to complain. If it gives me license to cash in on my flirtation with the hot guy who sits in front of me in class, have your way and have it merrily.

    Strange how this went from a political post to a thread where we all just make fun of ourselves. Dietdoc would be proud. 🙂

    Alka-Seltzior!!! 🙂

  • Al, I forgot you were from Indiana. I’m currently a Boilermaker myself, born and raised near Ft. Wayne.

  • He’s busy getting the limestone and the shovel ready.

    Politics is boring.

    That is all.

  • Indeed, B.A.B. I think I’ll be a horticulturist in my next life.

  • Ronald Eakins

    Fortunately in this country we do not have to be stuck with inept criminals in public office till their term expires. They can be impeached tried and thrown out of office. Bush should be impeached today before he has a chance to kill anymore innocent people. How many more are you willing to have die so this idiot can ruin the country and world. Write your congressional representative demand they impeach Bush for crimes against humanity.

  • Right Ronald. If memory serves, it seems like we had an ELECTION. Maybe like Al Gore you were drinking a lot of tea, and had slipped out to the bathroom and missed it.

    Sorry Charlie, ya pinkos lost. We’ve got congressional elections again next year though. If at first you don’t succeed… Well, actually, you might as well just give it up.

  • Al, if you’re trying to vie for my hand in marriage, throwing out libertarian insults isn’t the way to get it. Tsk tsk…

  • Ummmm … okay?

  • Previous comment deleted by editorial staff, Chelsea.

  • Exposer, you got me. Behind my white liberal facade, momma loves her some brown sugar… truth’s out.

  • Miss Chelsea, sorry to be delayed in answering. I was in route driving to Olsen’s to meet up with you and Suss as you were putting up those responses, so I didn’t notice.

    Those weren’t particularly “libertarian” insults, just general disrespect for a schmuck who came in exactly contrary to the spirit of the post carrying on about impeaching Bush.

    As to vying for your hand, obviously any man would be all in favor of that. Now Suss seemed like a fine witty and amiable fellow, whom I would be pleased to know better. Still, I think I could take him if he were the only thing in my way. Least ways I could take him if I snuck up behind him with a 2×4.

    But then I’d have to deal with you. I doubt you’d be volunteering to leave a fine fellow like Sussman, so it would require carrying you off like the future Senator Blutarsky at the end of Animal House.

    About that point though, you’d probably take that 2×4 and break it off up in me. You have a fairly imposing physical presence. You could definitely stand up for yourself, and certainly have the force of will to do so. In short, unwanted advances would no doubt simply end up with you putting me in a world of hurt.

    Thus, I must concede that Sussman is indeed The Man.

    All hail Sussman!

  • Oh come now, Al, just because I stand at a healthy 5’10 (6’1 in decent heels) and have been groomed my entire life as an athlete does not necessarily make an “imposing physical presence.” But I’ll just take the female route and assume you’re calling me fat and hate you for it.

    And ah, the Animal House reference. A necessity when dealing with us Greeks in order to make us understand ANYTHING…

    (And for the record, I can carry Sussman around. Seriously. There’s photographic evidence of it.)

  • steve

    life would be boring without the pinko commie feminists.

  • It’s not that you’re so big, but that you’re so strong willed. [I note also that you have a tasty arm.] Your photo link doesn’t work, but I don’t need any convincing. I’d find it easy to believe that you’d just throw old boy over your shoulder and carry him off.

    By the way, if cheesing off Greeks is the way to your heart, I might could compete with Suss there. ONE FROM THE ARCHIVES

    Ah, “the female route…”

  • Who the hell is Tucker Max? And did I see Babs up there exposing the possibility that he might be a Fratboy? How ironic, really.


  • Nick

    How alarming.. a spirit of amity prevails! Even Weird Al is only proposing to use a 2×4 as an opening love-gambit! Where is the unbalanced fanaticism? Where are the hounds of hate slavering at the door. (No, I will not specify whose door!) Anyway, I think we all agree that Suss is.. well, suss… Chel seems kinda chill too.. Enough bad wordplays.. may Happy Bunny Land long remain so!

  • What’s ironic? I quit the Greek life after a year, because I had enough friends and could get into all the parties (and thus all the girls) I wanted without having to pay dues and live in a packed house by paying to have friends. No offense, Madame President.

    That picture of Chelsea carrying Sussman is just hilarious. You bright young kids have such a modern, hip, gender role-reversed relationship.

    What sport did you play, Chelsea? You two should go out for one of those Strongman/woman competitions on ESPN2 late at night when they’re not showing chess or pool (which are NOT sports).

    And Senator, let’s be real here. Who are you really taking in a fight? I’d even pick Dave Nalle over you because while he’s no doubt much smaller, older and skinnier, he’s got the rage going.

    I think someone just heard “schmuck” for the first time today. But Yiddish is not for you because it’s not spoken in rural Indiana. Gai kakhen afen yam. I’m not even Jewish, but my Yiddish rules because I’m such a hip Gentile.

    Was there really an Blogcritics pow-wow with Olsen, Barger, and the Sussmans? That’s bizarre and unsettling.

    That is all.