We’ve all heard unbelievable stories over the years, usually with the storyteller assuring you that this happened to his buddy’s sister’s cousin’s friend. You know these stories, the toothbrush in the ass picture, the “welcome to our club” Post-It, the Rocky VI movie being made, etc. It’s an endless list really. In fact, there’s even been a series of movies based on the idea aptly named Urban Legend.
Everyone likes a good story and in the case of urban legends, these stories need to have a few key components like a having loose personal link to the storyteller (the “friend of a friend” concept), containing a unique idea and being just believable enough that the listener concludes that it could have actually happened.
So I was a bit skeptical when my cousin came to town last weekend and started a story with the line, “Hey, I’ve got a story for you. My roommate’s buddy knows this girl…” But regardless of the believability, I always enjoy a good story, so I was game.
My cousin’s story did not disappoint. It was thoroughly disgusting, made me question humanity and despite all of this, I laughed hard. I retold this story to other people I know with mixed reactions ranging from totally disgusted, to curiosity, to laughter, to complete silence. Regardless, true or not, it’s an interesting story and I decided to retell it here but consider yourself warned. This will not be too enjoyable for people who are easily disgusted. I will even give a courtesy three spaces for you to establish a clear break between my overly verbose introduction and the story itself so you can click away from it without being pulled in. So without further ado, here is that story:
My cousin claims his roomate’s buddy knows a girl who attended a party recently. At this party, she became temporarily enamored with a random male and at some point during that night, said random male was rewarded when this girl fellated him. (I’ll save you the trip to dictionary.com: she gave him what the kids call a “blow job.”)
The next day, the girl wakes up and notices a rash developing in and around her mouth. Considering the fellatiotic act she performed the night before, she panics and visits her doctor. After examining her, the physician informs her that he has no idea what the rash is and it does not look like any sexually transmitted disease (STD) that he’s ever seen. Still, he sends the girl to a clinic that specializes in STDs.
The girl, becoming increasingly nervous, goes to the STD clinic. Again, she goes through various tests but again, the doctor cannot diagnose her rash. He explains that he ran tests for every known STD that would match her symptoms and she tested negative for every one. So this doctor sends the girl to the Center for Disease Control.
It should be mentioned that the rash is only getting worse and at this point the girl is close to having a nervous breakdown. She tells her mother what is going on, and together they track down the random guy but he isn’t cooperating.
So the girl heads off to the Center for Disease Control and again goes through a barrage of tests. This time the doctor emerges looking perplexed. He explains to the girl that he was able to diagnose her rash and that it is a treatable bacterial infection. However, that particular bacteria is usually only found in cadavers – dead people.
At the time, everyone is confused but upon more investigation, the girl learns that the guy she orally obliged a few days earlier works for a funeral home.
I’ll give you a few moments to let that sink in.
Yes, he was having “relations” with dead people. Yes, this actually happens because there is a technical term to describe those who have a penchant for getting it on with dead people. For those who don’t know, it’s called necrophilia and don’t say you never learn things from this website. I’m here to both entertain and inform. (Although it was a sad personal commentary when I didn’t even have to look that term up.)
Now whether this actually happened or whether it is an urban legend, is up to you to decide. In fact, it could very well be a true story that started here and slowly evolves into an urban legend that maybe someone will tell you at a party or in an email.
I wasn’t too sure about it myself and initially questioned my cousin, leading to the following exchange:
Me: “It sounds like one of those ‘urban legend’ things.”
Him: “Turban what?”
Me: “URBAN LEGEND.”
Him: “No, I even know the guy who had the house party.”
Me: “Is he a rapper that goes by the name of ‘Play’?”
Either way, I hope you enjoyed it, perhaps wished you never heard it and maybe even learned a few things. As we say in the corporate world, the “key takeaway” here is to be more selective when you decide to put your mouth on some unknown person’s bathing suit area.