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U.N. Ambassador Nomineee John Bolton Takes on New Role: Facial Hair Dye Spokesman

Distracting mustache seen here with John Bolton.

Written by Joe Wilson

WASHINGTON D.C. (PoopyCaca.com) – In order to investigate charges that John Bolton, the nominee for U.N. ambassador, threatened subordinates who disagreed with him and that “he’s kind of a dick,” the Senate Foreign Relations Committee put off a scheduled vote to confirm Bolton.

In what is seen as an effort to overhaul and soften his image, John Bolton has taken on a new role – commercial spokesperson for “Just For Men Mustache, Beard and Sideburn Brush-In Color Gel.”

The move was seen by many as a response to President Bush’s comment urging senators to “put aside politics and concerns about his mustache being so distracting. I think it looks just fine”

Victoria Fountain, a spokesperson for Acme Image Consultants, the company that garnered the Just For Men deal for John Bolton, explained the move. “Much like Bob Dole was seen as much more human after doing commercials for Viagra and soda, Mr. Bolton will be seen as someone who will make a great U.N ambassador with his dyed mustache and more youthful look.”

The commercial begins airing next week and features basketball hall-of-famer and sports analyst Walt Frazier and former Washington Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann, who will give play by play commentary on Bolton’s testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee before and after he dyes his mustache.

At the end of the ad, Bolton sports a dyed mustache, turns from the committee and gives Frazier and Theismann a thumbs up, to which they respond, “If Just For Men can get him the ambassadorship, think what it can do for you.”

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  • http://www.outragedmoderates.org Thad Anderson

    Funny stuff. In an ideal world this wouldn’t matter, but Bolton’s gruff appearance definitely isn’t going to help the perception that he is someone who would “bully” underlings with dissenting views.

  • Eric Olsen

    dude has a hoary upper lip

  • http://thecurryman.blogspot.com Niraj

    So the man’s an asshole. So what’s. Since when was it a prequisite to be a nice guy to be ambassador. Most of them are arrogant pricks anyway.

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    Hell, Waldheim was a nazi and look how well he did in the UN.

    Dave

  • http://cranialcavity.net/wordpress/index.php Marc

    So who the hell needs to be “nice” at the UN?

    That bunch of corrupt politicians and “diplomats” need someone that can wield a horsewhip (and a bucket full of subpoenas) not some touchy feeley pussyfoot to stroke their egos.

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com/ Eric Berlin

    Yep, God forbid the US should ever present itself as something other than a collection of arrogant narrow-minded ass-for-brains, right? I’m with you 130%.

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    You just don’t get it, Eric. This isn’t the time for sucking up to the UN, this is the time to demand accountability. Sure, it would be nice for people to like us – but I’d rather they respect us or if that fails maybe even fear us – if that’s what it takes to get them to behave like reasonable, half-sensible national leaders.

    Dave

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com/ Eric Berlin

    You want the rest of the world to fear the United States and yet you state that I “just don’t get it.”

    Let me put this as nicely as possible:

    Get a fucking clue, man.

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    EB, your naivete in the face of the current state of the world is just mind boggling. If we need the UN, then we need a functional UN. We don’t have one right now. Someone like Bolton might be able to kick the UN’s ass around the room a few times so that it will start doing its job – or else just pull us out and write it off.

    Dave

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com Eric Berlin

    Dave – I can dig, but perhaps not completely buy into, installing an ambassador who is going to be tough and determined to protect and represent American interests.

    But to go as far as implying that the Ambassador to the United Nations should be an extension of a foreign policy that invokes fear in the rest of the world?

    Not so much.

    In an age of terrorism, global commerce, pandemics, and so on, we need all the friends we can get. That takes some carrot as well as some stick. In fact, it should be more carrot and less stick.

    Richard Florida’s Flight of the Creative Class paints a disturbing picture of the United States: we’re losing our competitive edge in the world because we now have an environment where we’re making it easy for the talented to leave and hard for the talented to come within our borders. It’s this my-way-or-the-highwayism that is going to subvert the U.S.’s self-proclaimed status as the greatest nation on Earth.

  • http://www.poopycaca.com poopycaca

    Yeah, and his moustache is silly lookin’ too.

  • Shark

    ~IRONIC MOMENT OF THE DAY~

    Dave Nalle: “…This isn’t the time for sucking up to the UN, this is the time to demand accountability.”

    Let’s just hope the UN assembly doesn’t “demand accountability” for our bullshit talk about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

    PS: Bolton being a major managerial asshole automatically qualifies him to lead any business or institution in the US… including a right-wing ‘libertarian’ blog site.

    [picture smiley face here]

  • Shark

    Speaking of product endorsements…

    Give Bolton a green turtleneck sweater to cover what apparently used to be a neck, and the guy could be a stunt double for one of the Ninja Tortoises.

  • SFC SKI

    The UN was able to ignore and in fact enable Saddam for over a decade, they will get over the WMD and continue to be ineffectual in other parts of the world, if their lightning responses of the past are any guideline.

  • SFC SKI

    It seems like a lot of folks take a true assessment of the UN in the same light as a kid who’s starting to wonder if maybe Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    Eric B: “But to go as far as implying that the Ambassador to the United Nations should be an extension of a foreign policy that invokes fear in the rest of the world?”

    But that’s what Bush’s foreign policy is all about. We’re not talking fear in the sense of “OMG they’re insane and they’re going to nuke France for no reason”, but fear in the sense of “don’t fuck with the US, they’re in no mood for our petty bullshit”. The idea is that they need to start taking us seriously and put their whiney little self-serving agendas on the shelf and think about the greater good.

    Eric B: “In an age of terrorism, global commerce, pandemics, and so on, we need all the friends we can get. That takes some carrot as well as some stick. In fact, it should be more carrot and less stick. ”

    In the past it’s been all carrot and no stick. Look at the behavior of the buffoons. They need a lot of stick.

    Shark: “Let’s just hope the UN assembly doesn’t “demand accountability” for our bullshit talk about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.”

    Ok, let’s assume this isn’t the stupidest comment of the day. Carry on Shark – how exactly can we be held accountable for this? What harm was done and how can we ‘pay’ for it?

    Dave

  • http://counter-point.blogspot.com Scott

    “The idea is that they need to start taking us seriously and put their whiney little self-serving agendas on the shelf and think about the greater good”

    What?? Oh, dave, you make me laugh.

  • http://www.psychopundit.com Dave Nalle

    Well, Scott…inappropriate laughter is often a sign of fear. Since nothing about what I posted is at all funny I have to assume I scared some sense into you.

    Dave

  • http://counter-point.blogspot.com Scott

    Yes Dave. Thank God you scared some sense into me. I fear your large brain. I’m still laughing.

  • http://www.psychopundit.com Dave Nalle

    Did you know my brain floats free of my head at night and levitates around the country killing its enemies with bolts of electricity?

    Dave

  • http://adamantsun.blogspot.com Steve S

    shocking.

  • Nick

    Dave, you are a brilliant man! We do need more stick! People like Bush and Bolton are what make this country great, we need more people like you and me to support these great leaders!

    Scott, Eric, you guys need to catch on to this joke, its a great one. I hope you know that Dave isn’t serious…

    he can’t be. or else im moving to Canada, because, nobody in thier right mind would say this stuff.

    ;-D

  • http://none.com Bob A. Booey

    Nick, don’t lie to Dave. He might believe you.

    Here’s why Bolton will fail at the UN. He does think he’s going in to kick ass and take names and turn the UN into an instrument of American power through sheer willpower and blunt force. But that’s precisely the problem. The kind of unilateralist arrogance Bolton has epitomized in his diplomatic work and within the Bush administration is why UN and its member nations are so upset with the US to begin with.

    We don’t pay our UN dues, we don’t contribute our share of economic, political, or diplomatic support to peacekeeping and development efforts, and our leaders consistently attack the UN at every opportunity. The US does not currently have the credibility to push the UN around and think that they’ll like it. Yes, the UN needs reform after the food-for-oil scandal and Kofi Annan needs to get his house in order. John Bolton does not have the international goodwill or track record of credibility and esteem necessary to influence Annan or any of the big movers in the UN. His background troubles them to begin with — he worked on arms control issues for the Bush administration and was part of the bureaucracy that presented bad information on WMDs before the UN.

    The UN is notoriously sensitive, perhaps too much so for its own good, but sending a blowhard with no interest in compromise or listening to the views of other nations is a recipe for disaster that will hurt international relations in various arenas of critical importance.

    You cannot be a voice of reform in a body built on compromise and consensus if you lack credibility as a consensus-builder. Bolton’s aim is to do precisely the opposite and he lacks any track record or credibility to win with a strategy of playing hardball with the UN. The only result will be that the UN will pursue its own notions of reform independent of what the US would like to dictate and will refuse to support the US in critical foreign policy issues. The US will also lose status within the Security Council and the General Assembly and will see its political influence in the UN eclipsed by key rival nations.

    That is all.