So in case you didn’t notice, I actually missed a couple days this week because I was sick. But I don’t like The Colbert Report going untold. So let me just sum up what you have missed: We are the World Baseball Champions. Mad cow in Alabama – no records – only .1% to be tested. Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. Robot laws in California’s 27th district. I am the great and powerful OZ. And things are going great in Iraq.
Okay, now that we are all caught up we can move on. It would seem Stephen and I have yet another thing in common, we both play guitar. He and the audience sang “This Land is Your Land” for the opening of the show. Was Stephen a folk singer — maybe in a past life? It seems we both also play the same three cords.
The theme of the show last evening was “Home, Hearth, Heart, and Heartland,” taking America back to its core values. First Stephen talked about how newspapers had changed. He asked, “Do you remember a time when a family would fight over the funnies at the dinner table?” It seems funnies are not even top fold material any more. My poor Irish family doesn’t even eat around the dinner table; we eat around the tree stump. The fact that our core American values are going down the drain makes me angry and depressed. That is 37% depressed and 87% angry. I know you’re going to say that doesn’t add up, but if you worried less about math and more about family values we would be a better nation.
Even the weather is not the same with its bright colors. Stephen asks the newspapers, “What is wrong with the red white and blue?” continuing on to say, “I will not fall into the homo-meteorological agenda.” The colors of the rainbow sicken me. Remember rainbows are only illusions that appear after rain which has traditionally been the symbol of sadness.
Stephen gives childraising advice on this 71st episode; he advises how to raise an American hero. His first tidbit of advice was to “Be God.” Your child will look up to you like the all mighty member of society you wish you were. But make sure you keep such severe punishments as the real God would. (A time-out equals wandering the desert for 40 years.) He said to fathers, “you should never let your children see you cry”. On a side note, if you must cry in front of your children, make sure during the breakdown you swear death and destruction on those responsible for your crying.
Stephen said to Moms, “stay at home and raise the kids” and suggests against outside interests. Mother, raising a family is a full-time job, to want another full-time career is just selfish. Sometimes when joining the workforce you have to decide between two great careers. Just remember if you choose parenting, you sign an 18-year contract upfront with no early retirement. After that, sign them up for the army because we are going to need troops. Finally, limit your kids to two and a half hours of The Colbert Report a day. He is on at 10:30AM, 2:30PM, 8:30PM, 11:30PM, and 1:30AM.
The guest last night was John Kasich, author and president hopeful of 2000. Mr. Kasich cleared up why Bush won the 2004 election. Apparently Ohioans hate windsurfers, so when pictures of Mr. Kerry windsurfing showed up on the internet, he was doomed. John (I hope he doesn’t mind if I call him John) also has a new book coming out called Stand For Something, which is sure to do adequately.
Finally we come to the “Word” – oh wait, there was none! Stephen, in a show about American traditions you broke your OWN tradition. A total of 71 shows and only 70 “Words” in that time? How can you be satisfied with that kind of record? I expect two “Words” on Monday. If you do not catch up on this word deficit, you’re a coward.
Question for Stephen
Jimmy Carter, horrible or the worst president?