This past week Steven Seagal’s Lawman debuted on A&E with back-to-back episodes. This review picks up where my last review left off.
First, the good news for Seagal fans — according to The Hollywood Reporter website, both episodes that aired this past Wednesday attracted 3.5 million viewers. Other news accounts have the Lord of Whoopass setting an A&E debut record for the 18- to 49-year-old demographic. What does this mean for his legions of fans? At minimum it probably means Lawman will be renewed and if we are really lucky it could mean that a studio will give the green light for Under Siege III!
Once again Reserve Deputy Chief Steven Seagal hits the streets with his team of law enforcement officers. Much like the first episode, Seagal and his team prowl the streets of Jefferson Parish in their spooky, black, unmarked SUVs.
In this episode we see fewer guns but we are treated to Seagal's Zen-like bionic eye. While on patrol Seagal uses his slow motion bionic eye to spot a suspect who may have pocketed a pistol. In “The Way of the Gun,” Seagal warned us that he was clairvoyant. Well boy, he wasn’t kidding! Seagal’s team swoops in and the suspect runs. During the chase the alleged suspect drops his gun and his cell phone, proving once again that the Mojo Priest truly does know all. Somewhere along the way to our enlightenment we are treated to the first of many priceless Seagal quotes: “If you can’t anticipate an attack, you can’t defend against it.”
Well said, Steven, well said!
It must be Seagal’s clairvoyance kicking in because the foot chase prompts Steven to worry about his team’s ability to grapple with criminals. So the very next day our hero decides to give his team an aikido lesson. What follows is a crash course in aikido wrist locks that concludes with Seagal throwing his aikido demonstrator to the mat. After that Seagal quips, "Looks easy. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of practice." Typically four or five years of practice to be exact, which is probably why law enforcement academies don’t have the time to teach formal martial arts to their officers! But there I go digressing again.
After filling his team with martial knowledge they are ready to go back out on patrol. This time Team Seagal is called to a parking lot brawl, and once again Colonel John Fortunato thankfully does all the driving. Due to my excitement over the prospect of Under Siege III being filmed I may not be thinking clearly. Either that or I’m starting to develop my own bionic eye. Whatever it is, I’m starting to notice that Seagal’s SUV seems to roll up last and he’s generally kept in the background imparting Zen-like quotes. No doubt it's the work of the department's pesky insurance company.
Case in point: By the time Seagal arrives at the brawl all that’s left for him to do is console a handcuffed “suspect” who appears to have anger issues. In fact, this guy gets so mad that he ends up kicking out the police car window and gets tasered for his efforts! What follows is another Seagal gem: “In Zen if somebody has to get angry, we get angry and then try to let it go. And this gentleman is not a very good practitioner.”
Truer words have not been spoken.
After braving the parking lot brawl Seagal uses his bionic eye one last time to spot some more suspects who were drinking in a parked car. Nothing much happens here worth writing about but the event does prompt Seagal to give the police one last martial arts lesson.
Later the next day we see our hero back at the training academy teaching police recruits more aikido techniques. The lesson starts with what is this episode's cheesiest Seagal line: “You can look at me as a movie star. Steven Seagal’s here, he’s a movie star. Or, you can wipe that shit out of your head and think, Steven Seagal can save my life!”
Can Steven Seagal truly save our lives? I don't know about that but he may just have saved his career!