Perhaps if I've reached the proper level of outrage in the audition below, the Parents Television Council will see fit to let me lead their future assaults on this outlandish television show.
Last week on Gossip Girl: Some seriously messed up stuff happened.
Gossip Girl is a show about a judgmental boy named Dan. In this episode, he judges Nate, Vanessa, and his sister Jenny. After he is done judging them wanting morally, he decides that he should follow suit – this is a very bad message for our youth
Jenny is a 15-year-old girl in outright rebellion of her father. She wears Goth make up and is a very bad role model.
The parents on this show are all either ineffective or outright evil. No one ever goes to church on Gossip Girl.
Objectionable Material: The character Blair believes that she has been given a sign from God to blackmail an adulterous mother to get into Yale.
Blair is supposed to be babysitting what looks to be a 14-year-old girl. This girl is described as being “less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.” Jameson is a well known porn star.
The young girl states her need to lose her virginity immediately possibly with a young man who is described as the “devirginator.”
Other Objectionable Quotes and References in Regard to the 14-Year-Old: "I want Bacardi and a boy — this body is open for business."
Sex filmed with a nanny-cam is mentioned.
She meets a guy named Chuck Bass who answers to “Aren’t you the devil?” and offers her virginity to him.
More Blasphemy: Chuck later refers to the back of his limo as “sacred.”
Another youth, Nate, is accused of trading sex for money. He can’t even remember the name of the girl he macked on when he visited Yale just a few weeks ago and then pursues young Jenny despite the fact that her father took him in off of the streets where he was apparently a male prostitute.
“Muffy’s muff gets stuffed.”
“Muffy the la crosse-titute.”
Okay, enough of that.
Message to Dan and Rufus: I feel really repetitive here, but … Dan, you are not talented. You do not get to be evil like Jenny because you are as the entire staff at Yale said “anemic!” Rufus, Jenny is talented. She’ll probably be dead at 30, but she’s going to have an unbelievable amount of fun. The girl pulled off the biggest fashion coup of the 21st century after working only a few days out of her bedroom. Just because you are too stupid to notice that she has obviously not slept in three weeks is no reason to rain on her parade and send her to prison. Do the proper thing. Sacrifice your idiot son, Dan, to the great God Anubis, and leave little Jen alone.
Everyone Loves Nate: Jenny loves Nate. Vanessa loves Nate. Dan loves Nate. Chuck loves Nate.
Nate doesn’t love Nate.
Serena and the Artist Who Seemingly Has His Own Posse: As long as it’s not Dan – whatever.
The Guerilla Fashion Show: Love the Ramones. Love "Sheena is a Punk Rocker." Love the jailbait celebration of youth that instantly transfixed all who saw it.
Jenny’s Only Mistake: Getting arrested is a great publicity gimmick. I can’t believe that you didn’t realize this.
Blair Gets Into Yale by Not Blackmailing Someone? I’m extremely disappointed in the show here. That girl deserved to be allowed to blackmail her way into that joint. It’s like not letting Pavarotti be Pavarotti.