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TV Review: Gossip Girl – “O Brother, Where Bart Thou”

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The worst thing you've ever done, the worst thought you've ever had, I will stand by you

I was expecting to go on and on about Chuck Bass’s continued rapid descent into Darth Vader territory, but instead I can’t stop crying about the heartbreaking impossibility that is Chuck and Blair. Who would have ever thought after watching the pilot episode of Gossip Girl that the two shallowest characters — the characters that seemed little more than rip-offs from Pretty in Pink and Heathers — would essentially be the only thing that makes this show essential viewing

Aaron, Serena, and Dan could have a shootout with machine guns in Buenos Aires and really I’d still be wondering where Chuck went off to and how Blair was dealing with it. Hopefully, Derota will have a lot of tissues and be willing to work a lot of overtime. Blair was a saint this episode, she deserves our blessing. Sob.

My Family? I Don't Have a Family

Poor Chuck. He already thinks that he killed his mother in childbirth, eventually he’ll have to deal with the fact that he had a hand in his father’s death too. Then again, I’m still unconvinced that it’s possible to die in the back of a limousine. Well, unless you are in France and the paparazzi are following you. I wonder if the driver lived.

When Are You Going to Get It? We Are Not Related

More heartbreak. Chuck has his flaws, but he’s been a good egg to Eric and this blow off from his big brother by means of shabby marriage hurt almost as much as Chuck’s “That’s too bad” response to Blair after she finally told him that she loved him.

He Carried the Garment Bag

Dan, oh Dan, you’re the biggest douche in the history of television. Serena was essentially begging you to take her back. You have no chance with any other girl on the planet. So what do you do? You start whining about muffins. Were you really surprised when Chuck bitch-slapped you out of his father’s funeral? Why couldn’t you have been the aborted fetus?

Kay Corleone

Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion. Something that's unholy and evil. I didn't want your son, Michael! I wouldn't bring another one of your sons into this world! It was an abortion, Michael! It was a son, Michael! A son! And I had it killed because this must all end!

Yes, Lily’s big secret was finally revealed. She aborted Rufus’ child. Frankly, with all the build-up I was hoping for something a little more scandalous, like a South American donkey show.

Memo to Rufus: Who cares? Get over it. Stop being like your idiot son. She finally wants you and your idiotic decade old hit song. The time to stop being so moralistically judgmental is when hot blondes are involved. Do I have to say this to someone in the Humphrey family every week?

Memo to Lily: With you being a socialite and your dead husband being on the front page of the New York Times, maybe you could have waited a week before potentially running off with Rufus. By the way, letting your 17-year-old daughter go off to Buenos Aires with a scumbag artist is probably not the best parenting move that you’ve ever made. Then again it’s also far from the worst.

On second thought, I suppose it's possible that Lily just gave the baby up for adoption. Nevertheless, put me down as rooting for the abortion.

Cyrus Marries Eleanor – Jenny Makes the Jacket

How exactly did Eleanor get her reputation as such a great designer when she is constantly being out-hustled by a 14-year-old? Nevertheless, Cyrus instantly becomes the best parent on the show. Well, as long as Derota doesn’t count.

Eric Intrigue

Just what is up with you and your gay lover? Sadly, it will probably take another ten episodes to find out.

The Sleaziest PI Ever

Aren’t there laws about selling information? Didn’t the Bass family already purchase the abortion news once? Scumbag!

Where is Chuck Bass?

My guess is wandering the earth like Caine from Kung Fu and Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction. Why, oh why, can't Chuck and Blair just be happy?

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About keithcrime

  • Maximo

    I think that is

    “On second thought, I suppose it’s possible that Lily just gave the baby up for adoption”

    An abortion is that you say “Frankly, with all the build-up I was hoping for something a little more scandalous, like a South American donkey show”.

    But, the second option is an scandal, because Serene and his brother has another brother.