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TV Review: Gossip Girl – “Desperately Seeking Serena”

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Well, this week’s obligatory SAT episode was, to be perfectly honest, pretty damn boring until Serena’s returning “friend” decided to slip a little date rape drug into her drink. We’re still waiting for someone to decide that they are gay, and if there’s any hope for the promised seedy porn to come to town, we’ll have to wait for next week.

Dan’s still a loser:  He’s not good at tests. He’s still boring and judgmental. He struck out with the bases loaded in a T-ball game. His back-up girlfriend is dating his former enemy and his real girlfriend is keeping secrets from him and lying.

G is for Georgina:  This old friend of Serena's returns from the ether determined to either get her old drinking buddy back or just ruin Serena’s newfound happiness for no other reason than spite or maybe increase the ratings by injecting some raunch into the show. Georgina apparently has some juicy blackmail incident at the ready that will ruin Serena's newfound mental health and sobriety. What could it be? Porn film? Sex with Meatloaf? She once wore a blouse that clashed with her skirt? Oh, the anticipation is killing us.

Nate and Vanessa: Maybe I missed something, but apparently Dan and Nate don’t hate each other anymore. Neither does Vanessa after reading a soul-searching practice SAT essay of Nate’s where he ponders life with a coke-snorting, embezzling dad. They wind up eating Greek food, discussing lesbian punk bands, and finally making out. Vanessa has no college plans because she wants to be a filmmaker and apparently there are no colleges with film programs anymore.

The crazy Gossip Girl world of the SATs: Nate encourages Vanessa to take the test with a ride to the site in his limo. Vanessa is prepared because she’s been helping Dan study, but in what world can you just decide to take the SATs at the last second? Has something changed, because back when I took them you needed to register like three months in advance.

Serena leans on new brother Chuck: Chuck of course pays a black guy to take his test, even going so far as to get him his own version of the Chuck Bass driver’s license. After Serena is dosed and can’t make it to her test, Chuck recruits a redhead to do similar service for Serena. Now let’s assume Chuck has a female SAT taker on demand ready to go. Can he really get her a fake ID in less than ten minutes? Wow, that Chuck can do anything except not dress like a sissy.

Chuck fashion disaster of the week: Has to be that bright red sports coat he wore to school.

Blair scheme of the week: The only thing keeping Blair from her desired spot at Yale is super genius Asian Nelly Yuki, which isn’t racist at all. Blair preys on the heartbroken Nelly (genius naming because Nelly is a rap fan and Nelly is the name of a famous rapper — I miss nothing, no matter how subtle or silly) by bribing her ex to have an all night redumping with her the night before the test and then taking the batteries out of her calculator. The whole cast has limos and super-powered cell phones, but for some reason Nelly (Asians aren’t known for being technologically current are they?) is the only person on the planet without a solar-powered calculator.

Jenny still almost as bad as Blair: Jenny is grounded and Rufus is all up in her grill constantly. Jenny, though, is still concerned with out-Blairing Blair and decides that to do that she must have a rich boyfriend. How romantic and not cynical at all! Along comes a young Tom Cruise lookalike to stir her loins and to upset Rufus, who feels that his young innocent flower is too young too date. His name is, of course, Asher, which is even more pathetic than Andrew McCarthy’s Blaine from Pretty in Pink. At first, Jenny rejects Asher’s advances. That was when she thought he was a dog walker. When she finds out that he is rich, she decides instead that he is just a lover of animals. Yes, life with the rich has not jaded Jenny one bit!

Stuff that didn’t happen: No Lily. No Rufus love life. No Eric, who is probably dying to come out of the closet just to get back on the show. Until next week’s blowout finale where Serena is unmasked by her past, good night gossipers.

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  • kiara

    Serena is such a dumb stupid person!! She needs to get kicked off the show I swear .her. voice is soo annoying and her lips piss me off. She makes the dumbest decisions!! She’s ugly af!! Ughh her role just makes me soo dumb!!