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TV Review: Gossip Girl – “All About My Brother”

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Oh, the humanity!

The other day I visited my friend who is a high school art teacher and immediately proceeded to dish Gossip Girl with her female students. Suddenly, I realized it might not be appropriate to discuss who was going to be coming out of the closet on the show with teens. This, of course, was before this week when we heard:

“I’m so queer I’m going to pop your sister’s cherry tonight!”

“It’s Serena, she goes down for anything,” introducing a secretly filmed three-way that I suppose led to a murder.

An Elliot Spitzer joke, followed by a slam on Katie Holmes for being a beard.

And of course, a Gossip Girl post that it looked like “Little J didn’t spread her legs after all!” which somehow enraged all of Jenny's friends.

Here’s a tip for parents. Just let your kids watch Deep Throat because this show is far seedier porn.

Good guy of the week: Chuck isn’t even in the episode, but Mr. Down and Dirty has apparently been a legitimately non-judgmental older brother to teen-in-need Eric.

Eric is gay: Yeah, we all knew that. What we didn’t know was that instead of hooking up with Jenny, he was hooking up with Jenny’s supposed knight in shining armor, Asher Hornsby, who went from noble to seedy in like three seconds. In most teen dramas, the bad egg pressures the girl to have sex. Here, the bad egg pressures the girl to pretend they had sex so that he won’t be outed. Who is deviant enough to think this stuff up? This show makes All My Children look innocent.

Dan is still judgmental: No surprise, but it’s sad that in a week where Jenny loses everything, she’s still sane enough to hit that one right on the head.

Blair wins: Of course she does. Was there ever any doubt that Jenny was way out of her league and due for a crash landing? Cheers for that heartfelt scene between B and J as Blair let her young protégé in on the wages of sin and the costs of being on top. Of course, Blair is really just an aggressive schoolyard bully, compared to …

Georgina, who is downright psychotic! She sidles up to Dan as Sara, a girl from Portland. (Note to Dan: You idiot! You have a great hot girlfriend. Stop trying to introduce her to other women unless you are ready for a three-way and brother, you totally aren’t!) She outs Eric, and she’s been blackmailing Serena to the brink of her very existence. G has something nasty that she secretly videotaped, something that leads Serena to tell Blair that she is in fact a murderer! Was she that wild in bed back then? Did Georgina drug her? Am I really going to have to wait like nine months to figure this entire thing out? Is the Dan and Serena coupling dead (I kind of hope so)? Will Serena go Misha Barton and descend into a slut spiral (I definitely hope so)? Are you under 35? Well then turn this show off now, say your prayers, and go to bed.

This barely merits mention: Rufus is totally losing Jenny and of course mom is off being an artist. So who’s the best parent he can find to get advice from? Lily, of course! Really, really bad choice, Rock Star! I’m hoping that Rufus just wanted to mack on his ex one last time and knew that he wouldn’t get any real parental advice. Instead, his heart broke just a little bit more. Thankfully, Lily accepted her live gay son before he tried to kill himself again.

This totally doesn’t merit mention: Serena is taking the SATs over again because she wants to be honest. Can someone tell me how she will explain not using her near perfect, Chuck-purchased score in favor of her second test, which will be infinitely worse? Can we just stop trying to paint these bar-hopping kids as teens?

Now if you’re a parent — erase that DVR before the kids come home and start planning family outings on Monday nights!

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