Ladies and Gentlemen. You are cordially invited to the wedding of Sansa Stark of Winterfell and Tyrion Lannister of Casterly Rock.
Yes, really. Sansa and Tyrion were married in King’s Landing, in front of “friends and family.” Before the wedding took place, Tyrion took a moment to speak to his bride-to-be, telling her that she no longer had to speak to him like a prisoner because she would be his wife. “I suppose that is a different kind of prison,” says Tyrion. Indeed, it definitely is for them both. Tyrion takes Sansa’s hand and assures her that he will never hurt her. Whether that brought Sansa any comfort remains to be seen.
Meanwhile, Margaery Tyrell is doing her best to get closer to Cersei. Before the wedding, Margaery compliments the Queen Regent, which only causes her to be more prickly towards her son’s future bride. Cersei regales Margaery about the origin of the song “The Rains of Castamere,” describing what happened to House Reyne when they rebelled against Tytos Lannister. “Every man, woman and child put to sword,” their corpses displayed for an entire Summer at Casterly Rock. The moral of the story children? Don’t screw with the Lannisters. Period. And if Margaery didn’t get the message, Cersei told her that if she ever called her sister again, she would have her strangled in her sleep. Message received.
In the chapel, Sansa is at the top of the steps, waiting for her cue to take her place beside her groom. She looks absolutely terrified, but that’s not enough for Sansa to endure. Cue the Brat King Joffrey, who struts his way over to Sansa, taking a spot next to her. Confused, Sansa asks what Joffrey is doing and he gladly lets her know that since her father is dead, it is the King’s “duty” to give her away. Could this wedding get any worse? Of course it could. Once Sansa and the Brat King reach the altar, Joffrey makes it his business to take away Tyrion’s step stool, making it almost impossible for him to place his cloak over Sansa’s shoulders. Some of the guests start to giggle but, Tywin being Tywin, gives them a look which silences everyone. Afterwards, the wedding feast consists of: 1) Sansa looking sad and lonely; 2) Joffrey smirking and itching to start trouble, and; 3) a very, very drunk Tyrion. Halfman is so drunk, he refuses the Brat King’s request to have a Bedding Ceremony. When Joffrey turns that request into a command, Tyrion’s refusal becomes a very clever insult to the King’s manhood. Thank the gods for Tywin (I’ll probably never say that again), because his level head brought the tension between his son and grandson to a halt, ending a potentially dangerous situation.
The newlyweds’ special day only gets worse, as they are now under pressure to consummate their marriage. Sansa knows that she must do her duty as Tyrion’s wife, but she doesn’t have to like it. After a fast glass of wine, Sansa begins removing her clothes until her new husband stops her. He has no desire to force his wife to do anything she does not want to do, and Tyrion says he will wait as long as it takes. How long will that be?
Our rebel Arya wants her revenge against The Hound. Thinking he is asleep, she grabs a large rock, lifting it over Clegane’s head. Before she can bash his skull in, The Hound tells her he’ll give her one shot to kill him. If he lives, he tells Arya “I’ll break both your hands.” Since Catelyn didn’t raise no fools, Arya puts the rock down. On the road, The Hound tells his “captive” how lucky she is to be with him, since anyone else would have hurt her. Arya doesn’t believe Clegane has no intentions of hurting her until he reveals that they’re going to The Twins to reunite her with Robb and Catelyn. Will The Hound keep his word and help bring the Starks back together again?
Gendry arrives at Dragonstone with Lady Melisandre, wondering what is in store for him. Although the Red Woman informed him of his lineage, Gendry does not know what to expect from his uncle. When they finally meet, Stannis is his usual cheery self, saying few words, none of which provide Gendry with any comfort. Lady Melisandre requests Gendry be bathed and fed, which Stannis believes to be cruel. He thinks the deed should be done as soon as possible, but the Red Woman always has a plan. She seduces young Gendry, who probably thinks he’s hit the jackpot until Lady Melisandre strategically binds his hands and feet. Once he’s secure, she opens and box and places leeches on Gendry’s body, including his man parts (I’m sure there were plenty of men who were echoing Gendry when he said, “No, not there!”). Once the bloodsuckers have had their fill, Melisandre removes the leeches and presents them to Stannis, who burns them one by one, speaking the names of Joffrey, Robb and Balon Greyjoy. Will the power of the Red God spell certain doom for the three Kings?
In Yunkai, The Mother of Dragons meets with the Second Sons, mainly the Titan’s Bastard, also known as Mero (played by Mark Killeen), . He arrives at Dany’s camp all swagger and disrespect, attempting to belittle her position. He brings with him his two buds Prendahl na Ghezn (played by Ramon Tikaram) and the hotness that is Daario Naharis (played by Ed Skrein). Unlike Mero and Prendahl, Daario knows that Dany is a force to be reckoned with, dragons or no dragons. Daario is intrigued by Dany’s strength and beauty, which will work in her favor later on. While the three discuss Dany and their desire to see her dead, they decide to draw coins to see who will be saddled with this task. Daario draws the ill-fated coin, but decides Chance will not dictate his actions. Instead, he kills Mero and Prendahl, disguises himself as an Unsullied and sneaks his way into Dany’s tent. He offers the heads of his former comrades to Dany, pledging the Second Sons belong to her, along with his heart. Will Daario offer Dany more than his sword?
Samwell Tarley has been called many, many names since joining the Night’s Watch. Hero is not one of them. Yes, Samwell is a hero, even though it was quite by accident. He obliterated a White Walker using one of the dragon glass spears, only after having his sword shattered into a million pieces. The White Walker was coming for Gilly’s baby boy and, well, Sam wasn’t going to allow that. Was he terrified? It’s Samwell Tarley, of course he was! Did he know that dragon glass is lethal to a White Walker? Absolutely not. I’m sure Gilly was thanking the Father and the Mother for Sam’s accidental heroics, but she was probably thinking the same thing we all were when they started running: why didn’t Sam pick up that dragon glass spear in case they needed it again? Does he have more with him to protect Gilly and her son? Where will they go now? Stay tuned.
Game of Thrones normally airs Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on HBO, but will be taking a break for the Memorial Day weekend. Tune in June 2 for the next episode.