In this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, Tyrion finds a champion, Khaleesi changes her mind and Lysa Arryn takes flight. Let’s get to it.
Jaime is arguing with his brother about Tyrion’s rant during the trial. The Kingslayer thinks his brother has thrown his life away, but Tyrion admits he couldn’t listen to Shae tell all of those lies any longer. Jaime is disgusted that his brother is in love with a whore. Tyrion says yes, he is in love with a whore and was stupid enough to think she felt the same. Halfman, however, does feel a small bit of satisfaction knowing that he has ruined his father’s plans. Tywin would have had everything he wanted with the deal he made with Jaime before Tyrion’s speech. “He gets you back as his heir, the future Lord of the Rock. And he ships me off to Castle Black, out of sight at last. All so perfect. It felt good to take that from him.”
Tyrion knows that his father is willing to sacrifice him for a crime he did not commit. Jaime says their father would sacrifice all of them, but Tyrion knows better. Tywin would never sacrifice his “golden son” no matter what he does. “You could kill a king, lose a hand, f*ck your own sister, you’ll always be the golden son.” Jaime doesn’t take too kindly to his brother’s words and reminds him that he is the only friend Tyrion has left. Halfman tells his brother not to count him out, as he was able to survive a trial by combat before, even though he wasn’t there to save him. The Kingslayer admits he won’t be able to save him this time either, as his left hand is useless in battle. Halfman jokingly says they could both be killed, wiping out the Lannister name in one fell swoop. Tyrion asks Jaime to find Bronn to see if he will be his champion. Before he leaves, Jaime reveals who Cersei has chosen as her champion.
Outside, Gregor Clegane a.k.a. “The Mountain” (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson)is busy impaling a prisoner. The giant of a man is taking turns “practicing,” which is more slaughter than anything else. Cersei, who has chosen the beast as her champion, watches from afar with a smug look on her face. The Mountain continues his slaughter on the terrified prisoners, who beg for mercy. But this is The Mountain we’re talking about. He does not know the meaning of mercy. Lest we forget, The Mountain is the one who shoved his brother The Hound’s face into the fire when they were mere boys. Cersei walks over the dead bodies littering the ground and welcomes The Mountain to the Capitol. He asks who he will be fighting and she answers, “Does it matter?” The Mountain shakes his head “No,” because fighting, and apparently disembowelment, are what he lives for. Are any of us surprised that Cersei would choose such a person to be her champion against Tyrion? Sibling rivalry in the Seven Kingdoms is a bitch.
The Hound and Our Rebel Arya are riding. They come across a hut and ponder if it contains food or soldiers. They find out that neither are present, only a burned-out hut and its almost-dead owner. The man is sitting on the ground with a hole in his gut after being attacked by soldiers. The Hound asks which ones, and the man says, “I stopped asking a while ago.” Taking a closer look at his wound, Clegane tells the man that it won’t get any better. Although he knows that it won’t and that he should just end it all, the injured man decides against it. Arya asks, “So why go on?” The injured man says simply, “Habit.” Our Rebel can’t imagine anything being worse than a slow death and the man counters by saying that nothing may be worse.
But Arya knows better, saying, “Nothing isn’t better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing.” The man asks who she is after hearing that statement. She answers honestly that she is Arya Stark and The Hound says that he is her captor and will be exchanging her for ransom at the Eyrie. The man then talks about how things used to be fair and balanced, but that is no longer the case. He asks for something to drink since “dying is thirsty work.” The Hound complies, giving the dying man some water. He then says, “Wish it were wine,” to which Sandor replies, “So do I,” before shoving a knife in his heart. Once it’s over, Clegane counsels Arya in the art of killing.
Just then, a crazed man jumps on The Hound’s back, biting him in the process. The fool chose the wrong one to bite and gets his neck snapped quickly. Clegane turns to find another fool behind him. He asks him what he was doing. Fool #2 says that Clegane has a price on his head, which The Hound thinks is for telling Joffrey to screw off. Fool #2 gives the good news that Joffrey is dead and the bounty is for killing Lannister soldiers. Our Rebel realizes who the guy is, telling her traveling companion about Fool #2’s promise to screw her bloody with a stick. Clegane asks if this guy is on her kill list and she says no because she doesn’t know his name. Clegane asks, “What’s your name?” Fool #2 turns out to be Rorge, one of the psychos who traveled with Arya on the way to Castle Black. Our Rebel then says, “Thank you,” before sticking him with the pointy end right in his fool heart. When he drops dead, Clegane says, “You’re learning.” Yes she is.
At Castle Black, Jon and his crew return from Craster’s Keep, disappointing Alliser Thorne and Janos Slynt. They notice Ghost has returned, as well, and tell Jon either lock him up or find him in the night’s stew. Big talk for men who would never get near that direwolf. Later, Jon tells the men that the Wildling army will be at The Wall by the next full moon and suggests they seal the tunnel. Of course, Thorne thinks it’s a cowardly suggestion. But Jon is adamant because he knows exactly what is coming and the Night’s Watch will not be able to defend Castle Black or the Seven Kingdoms. Thorne decides humiliation would be the best way to deal with Jon and reminds him that he is a Steward of the Night’s Watch and not a Builder. He then asks First Builder Yarwyck if sealing the tunnels would be the right thing to do. Even though Yarwyck is conflicted, he decides to side with Thorne instead of Jon. Ser Alliser then assigns night duties atop The Wall to John and Sam until the next full moon. It is men like Thorne and Slynt who lose wars and soldiers lives. Will Jon’s common sense prevail when the war comes to Castle Black?
In King’s Landing, Tyrion receives another visitor. It is his friend Bronn, only dressed like a bit of a dandy. Tyrion notices his new threads, which Bronn proudly displays, especially his gloves, which he says are “softer than a virgin’s thighs.” Bronn, who Halfman summoned days ago, reveals that he is to be wed to the dimwitted Lollys Stokeworth. Tyrion reminds Bronn that Lollys’ older sister Falyse will inherit Castle Stokeworth when their father dies. But Bronn says that if Falyse dies before her father, Lollys gets everything.
Tyrion looks at his friend in shock, to which Bronn replies, “What? Ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time.” Right. Tyrion asks him why he has come to see him. Bronn reminds his friend that Tyrion offered to pay the sellsword double if asked to turn against him. Bronn knows that fighting The Mountain is almost a sure way of getting killed, so he wants more than what Cersei is offering. Tyrion says that he only has gold and gratitude and the chance at ruling Winterfell one day. Bronn doesn’t bite and tells Halfman that even if he is able to wear down The Mountain and kill him, if he makes one slip, he’s dead. The Mountain is extremely strong, extremely quick, and extremely bonkers. Bronn wants to know why he should risk his life. Tyrion says it is because they are friends. Bronn then says, “Aye, because you’re my friend. When have you ever risked your life for me?” The new and improved Bronn tells Halfman that although he likes Tyrion, he likes himself a bit more. Bronn apologizes to his friend and the two shake hands, leaving Tyrion alone with no one to fight for him.
In Meereen, Dany finds Sellsword Hottie 2.0 Daario Naharis in her chambers after deftly climbing through her window. She reminds him that he is in her private quarters and if she wants to see Daario, she will summon him. He charmingly apologizes to his Queen, even getting on one knee for effect. Dany asks him what he wants and Daario basically says he wants her. He tells her that he only has two talents in this world, which are war and women and he wants to pursue both. Dany tells him that patrol the streets and pursuing the thousands of Meereenese women are the answers to his problems. But the sellsword only wants his Queen and asks her to let him do what he does best. Dany surprisingly agrees and tells him to do just that. She pours herself a glass of wine, sits on her bed, leans back like a Don and gives him the command we ladies have been waiting for, saying, “Take off your clothes.” And thanks to the old gods and the new, he does, stripping down to all of his sellsword glory. Dany takes her time, slowly drinking in every inch of him. It’s good to be the Queen.
On Dragonstone, Selyse Baratheon walks in on Melisandre taking a bath. The way she acts, you would think that Melisandre was Queen and Selyse her handmaiden. Selyse, who is almost as dour as her husband, seems in awe of the Red Woman. After letting a joke go over her head, Selyse admits that humor is not her strong suit. But Melisandre lets her know that jokes are just lies, especially those lies told to bring men to the Lord of Light. Melisandre gets out of the tub, walks over to her shelf of tricks and describes the deceit she uses to bring believers to her cause. Selyse, looking over Melisandre’s naked body, asks if one of those tricks was used when Stannis was unfaithful. Melisandre quickly says no, saying that men do not crave what they already have. “It’s only flesh. It needs what it needs.” Selyse then decides that Stannis’ betrayal was in service to the Lord of Light and, therefore, not a sin. How many times have cheaters used that one? Selyse changes the subject to her daughter Shireen. Stannis wants to bring the Princess with them to Castle Black, but the Queen is against it. Melisandre lets her know that Shireen must be with them when they leave Dragonstone. What part will Shireen play in the Lord of Light’s plan?
The next morning in Meereen, Daario is leaving Dany’s chambers with a spring in his step. He runs into Ser Jorah, who knows exactly what’s happened and is not happy. Adding insult to injury, Daario lets Jorah know that Dany is in a “good mood.” I’ll bet! When he enters, Ser Jorah makes a comment about Daario leaving her chambers so early. The two spar about the sellsword’s loyalty and Khaleesi lets Jorah know that she would never put her faith in Daario. She tells him that the Second Sons have been dispatched to retake Yunkai and has ordered all masters to be executed. Jorah’s advice for mercy at first falls on deaf ears, Khaleesi wants to kill them all. But when he tells her that had it not been for the late Ned Stark, Ser Jorah would not be alive to give her counsel. Dany decides to send Hizdar zo Loraq to Yunkai as her ambassador to make sure the masters hear her message clearly. “They can live in my new world or they can die in their old one.” Will the masters heed the new Queen’s warning?
The Hound is doing his best to sew up the bite he received earlier. Arya tells him that he needs to burn away some of the bite in order to keep the wound from getting infected. But we all know how Clegane feels about fire. When Arya tries to come near him, The Hound jumps up and yells, “No fire!” He goes on about how he wishes he had never laid eyes on Our Rebel now that the Lannisters have a price on his head. When he calms down, Clegane confirms the story of how he was burned, revealing that what hurt more than his face in the fire was his own brother being the one to do it. Arya decides to be nice for a bit and offers to wash the wound and sew it up. Will The Hound’s revelation change his relationship with Arya?
During a much-needed rest stop, Brienne and Podrick treat themselves to a hot meal and a featherbed. They just so happen to be at the same inn where Arya’s friend Hot Pie works. Brienne compliments him on the kidney pie, which he takes as a sign to sit at their table and talk incessantly about what it takes to make a good one, specifically the gravy. “See a lot of people give up on the gravy. You cannot give up on the gravy. No gravy, no pie. Simple as that.” Hot Pie continues flapping his gums, asking nonstop questions. Finally, Brienne reveals that they’re looking for Sansa Stark. Hot Pie stammers, not sure if he should reveal that he knows Arya, so he claims he doesn’t know any Starks. Later, Hot Pie has a change of heart and tells Brienne and Pod about Arya. He says that if they do find her, to give her a loaf of bread he made shaped like the Stark family sigul. Back on the road, Podrick tells Brienne that Arya and Sansa may be at the Eyrie since their crazy aunt Lysa is their only living relative with money. They decide to travel to the Eyrie in hopes of finding their charges.
Prince Oberyn makes a surprise visit to Tyrion. The Prince forgoes the brothels to have a sitdown with Halfman. He tells Tyrion that Cersei desperately wants to see her brother dead, which comes as no surprise. Tyrion says that Cersei has wanted that for a very long time and will be overjoyed when his head leaves his neck. Prince Oberyn agrees, telling Tyrion about the first time they met. Tyrion had just been born and everyone described him as a hideous monster. But when he finally saw him, the Prince says that he was disappointed because all he saw was a baby.
While Oberyn shares his story, Tyrion’s eyes well up with tears, because he knows that he never had a chance where his sister was concerned, especially after hearing her words. “It doesn’t matter. Everyone says he will die soon. I hope they are right. He should not have lived this long.” Cersei’s hatred for Tyrion was alive even then. She had no love for him then and has wanted him dead from day one. But there is hope for Halfman yet, as Prince Oberyn tells him that he will be his champion at his trial by combat. Not only will he help Halfman stay alive, but he will finally get the revenge for the death of his sister he has wanted for years. Will Prince Oberyn survive his challenge against The Mountain?
In the Eyrie, also known as Crazy Town, Sansa sees snow again for the first time since she left Winterfell. She builds a replica of her home when Robin drops by. They chat a bit, mostly about how important he is as Lord of the Vale. Robin asks if she will go back to Winterfell, to which Sansa answers in the negative. Then of course, Robin asks if Winterfell had a moon door to make people “fly.” Since the Starks weren’t bat crap crazy, Sansa tells him there was no moon door at Winterfell. Robin says that when they get married, she can make as many people fly as she wants. I’m sure Sansa would have loved having a moon door when Joffrey was still alive. But I digress. Robin offers to put a moon door in Sansa’s snowy version of Winterfell but ruins it instead. Sansa gets pissed off and tells him so, leading to an epic meltdown reminiscent of the deceased King. But this time, Sansa slaps the little brat, where he runs to tell Mommy (because who else is he going to tell?).
Lord Baelish strolls in afterwards, commending her on giving that psycho what he deserves. Sansa smartly asks Lord Baelish why he killed Joffrey and he says that he did it for the love of her mother. She smiles at the revelation until he goes all creepy and says that Sansa is more beautiful than her mother, then kisses her. And who should see that exchange? Crazy Aunt Lysa! Really Petyr? The woman has a moon door! Which is where Lysa is standing when she sends for her niece. Lysa is calm at first, chatting about what happens to a body when it falls from such a high place. “The impact breaks them right apart, like eggs dropped on the floor.” Run Sansa! But too late, Lysa starts spazzing out about the kiss. She grabs poor Sansa by the neck, screaming at her to “Look down! Look down, look down, look down!” Petyr walks in, calming his wife and persuading her to let Sansa go, which she does, sobbing like a lunatic. Petyr puts the whammy on Lysa, telling her that he has only loved one woman in his entire life and that woman is Catelyn Stark. He pushes his wife through the moon door, giving her first hand experience as to what happens when people fly. Will she break apart like eggs dropping on the floor? Who is next on Lord Baelish’s hit list? And what did Sansa do in her previous life to have such bad luck? Stay tuned.
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