If Jerry Rice makes it to the Finals of Dancing with the Stars, I’ll shoot myself. Okay, I think I’ve said that before, but I’ll be really angry and disappointed. No one likes me moody, trust me. I learned this lesson while still a tot. Nonetheless, when I get into a funk (which is likely to happen if Jerry receives more votes than Lisa tonite), you betta watch out.
And I’m not ‘fraid of taking on Jerry Rice either. His partner Anna and her broomstick (what was up with that Tango prop anyway?), well, truthfully, her, I’m a little weary of. For some reason, I can vividly conjure up gruesome images of her stabbing me repeatedly in the chest and ripping out my heart while it was still beating, all the while laughing. She’s Russian, after all. These people invented the term “torture”. Just ask any of those former Commies. Or Sayid on Lost.
Russians? Iraqis? Who can keep up with the “Cold War” enemies du jour?
Anyways, here are some of my thoughts regarding the conceivable Stacy vs. Lisa showdown. I know that Bruno Tonioli is all hot for Stacy, despite the fact that the dude is so flaming he readily falls into the “Gay or Euro” categorization school of sexuality. Ambiguity aside, while I comprehend Stacy is hot, she doesn’t do squat for me dance-wise. Her legs are way too long and she just looks like some washed-up Carnival Cruise line wannabe Rockette. Wow, that was a mouthful. Speaking of which, I could have done without pervy Tom Bergeron commenting about her dancing, “You are the only one in America looking at Stacy’s feet” to Carrie Ann.
Like ew. And double ew.
Deep down I know I’m biased. Lisa is all heart (with lips like labia, mind you) and conveys this figurative heart. Stacy doesn’t. Convey heart, that is. She doesn’t show me she wants to be there. I don’t see the strong will, the drive. The only indication perhaps is her showing up half-naked all over certain magazines at a cruicial period in this competition. She’s shrewd to capitalize on her assets, since she has many obvious physical ones. But her heart, I can’t feel it. There ain’t much soul to that girl, which is why I just can’t get behind her.
But all this is superfluous talk really. The competition tonight won’t be between Stacy and Lisa. Tonight is about Jerry and Lisa. While I commend the football star’s hard work, he’s not performing at the same level as the rest of the dancers. I agree that effort can get a person far, but there are only so many medals to go around and Jerry, of all people, should know that we can’t all be winners. Of course, he already does know this; which was why he was playing the part of the “gentleman” ever so well last night. Unfortunately, I’m no one’s sucker and neither should you be. But this is all a moot point now since the voting is officially over.
I did my part and cast the right vote.
Stay tuned for tonite’s show starting at 8 PM on ABC. Here’s hoping Team Rinna pulls out on top.
Okay, that wasn’t supposed to sound sexual either.