What a shock! The finale I imagined, with Kat triumphantly screeching "Happy House Happy House" to raucous public approval and a confetti of cookies, has been spirited away. Mohamed's eviction was surely no surprise; his disturbingly articulate farts alone, sounding a desperate appeal on behalf of his struggling and overloaded gut, threatened to broadcast smell as well as sound into our own homes and were bound to make him generally unpopular.
But Kat? Poor, unsuspecting, innocent Kat chucked out of Big Brother's Happy House? Kat, already broken-hearted by Mo's eviction, summarily dismissed in a crumpled dressing gown, no makeup and her hair a mess from having been pinned under a comedy Afro wig? Poor, kind-hearted, child-like, intensely irritating Kat? It was so tragic I couldn't help but laugh aloud. The other housemates reacted to Tuesday's surprise double eviction as a tight-knit family might to a beloved son being called up by the army, suddenly to war. That, too, was horribly amusing. Rex, true to form, managed a sly smirk amidst the lamenting.
So who are we left with as this tedious but strangely compelling pornography of personality struggles towards its inevitably unsatisfying climax? What justification might there be for each of the leftover housemates winning a fairly large sum of money for Channel 4 in phone votes?
Rex, the unfortunately named and strangely coiffed executive chef, deserves to win for the entertainment provided by the horrific initial shock and days of emotional torture he endured when his temperamental and demanding girlfriend arrived in the house to put the lie to all his idealistic bragging about her.
Darnell, the miserable albino black guy, deserves to win to give him a chance to manage to turn his success into a perceived failure. Dude, it would suck that he won just because people thought that the prize and the attention would improve his life. His life sucks so bad that people might think he is actually happy and stop listening to him complain about his miserable life, which sucks.
Mikey, the blind Scot, deserves to win for wearing Sara's fuchsia satin Ann Summers sleeping mask around the house during the day, and removing it to go to sleep. I will love him forever for that.
Sara, an oddly submissive young Australian, deserves not only the prize but a medal for tolerating the horrendous groping and slobbering inflicted on her by Darnell at any given opportunity when she's willing, and his immature sadism when she isn't. She has surely provided a public service in alerting unsuspecting girls to the dangers of nicotine addiction and taking pity on weak men.
Oh, and don't forget Rachel. Rachel is so easily overlooked. Rachel, the "boring" young woman from Wales, deserves to win for being a decent human being. Seriously.
I‘m looking forward to the finale on Friday night, but I won’t be voting. Honest.Powered by Sidelines