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TV Review: Bad Girls Club Season Five Premiere – “Welcome to Miami Bitch”

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Yet another season of female carnage begins as Oxygen finds seven more suckers lacking self-worth, personal dignity, and family pride from across the United States who think they are “bad” because they have no qualms about acting idiotic on television. I’d like to see Maury or somebody scare these girls straight.

The fifth season, which debuts on August 3, has moved the series from Los Angeles to Miami. In order of introduction, the participants are:

Morgan – Miami, FL 21, “The Uber Bitch.” She thinks everyone wants to look like her, although she appears to want to look like Kim Kardashian.

Lea – South Beach, FL, 22, “The South Beach Rebel.” She is tattooed and brags about having an affair with a married man for a year and a half while also having a live-in boyfriend. She’s bisexual.

Danielle – Massapequa, NY, 21, “The Scrapper.” Identifies herself as a “Jewrican” and seems a bit of a tomboy.

Catya – Philadelphia, PA, 24, “The Elite Player.” She name-drops being in a relationship with rapper Beans, although I’m not sure who that is supposed to impress.

Danielle and Catya meet and seem pleasant with each other but the cattiness soon begins as Catya reveals in an interview Danielle has cheap clothes.

Brandi – 26, Inglewood, CA, “The Sneaky Stripper.” Not sure why she’s sneaky as that information comes out rather soon. She says she’s a lesbian 90% of time.

Erica – 25, Anaheim, CA, “The Trash Talking Cheerleader.”

Aside from the alcohol, for some inexplicable reason, the girls decide to turn on last-to-arrive Kristen (23, Boston, MA, “The Pageant Princess”) and take off all her bedding. When she gets to the house, they immediately decide they don’t like her. Erica says she doesn’t like Kristen’s annoying voice and within minutes, champagne is thrown in faces and glasses are broken. Kristen earns respect from some of the girls for standing up for herself.

The girls want to go out but Morgan thinks the club they choose is lame. She also says the girls are ugly and dress badly and stays home. Catya’s bags haven’t shown up so she doesn’t go either. Kristen is a wild, drunken mess. Her dress constantly inches up and she flashes her nether region repeatedly. The other girls tire of being her babysitter.

The house is divided after first day — Morgan, Catya, and Kristen on one side, calling themselves the Pretty Girls, against the four others. They tease Danielle, calling her “Dirty D” which she doesn’t like.

The Pretty Girls hit the club and the others, sans Lea, pack Morgan’s stuff and put her out because they are tired of her acting like a bitch. They take Morgan’s mannequin and smash it at the end of a pier. They also give her the new nickname “Whore-gan.” They lock the doors and prepare for a fight, which appears to be what they get as slaps are thrown and bodies get pulled apart and down staircases.

If it’s this bad on Night #2, it should be a long trainwreck of a season as the season trailer indicates at the end of the episode.

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About Gordon S. Miller

Gordon S. Miller is the artist formerly known as El Bicho, the nom de plume he used when he first began reviewing movies online for The Masked Movie Snobs in 2003. Before the year was out, he became that site's publisher. Over the years, he has also contributed to a number of other sites as a writer and editor, such as FilmRadar, Film School Rejects, High Def Digest, and Blogcritics. He is the Publisher of Cinema Sentries. Some of his random thoughts can be found at twitter.com/ElBicho_CS
  • terry

    i want to know if there will ever b a show for married bad girls club

  • Elaine01

    Ok Lea is ok except for the fact that she dates married man. Skanky. Brandy is straight up ANNOYING and all she does is TALK and start drama. I liked Cat. Erica was the biggest p*ssy of them all. Danielle was just a dumb sl*t. I didn’t really have a problem with Morgan she is pretty yes but talked way too much about being pretty and rich. Kind of annoying. Kristen is just a dumb blonde. I lost all respect for her when she kissed Leah’s azz and wrote that letter to her at the end. Should have just kept her mouth shut and left the show after the fight.

  • george

    What a great and constructive linda broadening program. I want one of this girls to marry me and have Manuel kids. They will improve, or sustain and perpetuate the imagen of our America.

  • george

    They are so structured and poised a profound feeling of lost triggers. I wish they were my neighbors. The perfecto example of how to raise kids. Deeply involved in social and political issues like “Who stole my boyfriend”. Their legacy will be there forever forus to see and be set as an example. I was so moved when one of them lost her voodoo doll !!! I am going to buy her 10 and send them with my daughters for a weekend blast.

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