I got a call from Elvis after the results show aired on the west coast. First, he wasn’t happy about the way Priscilla looked.
EP: This is what happens when you let your daughter marry Michael Jackson.
CL: It must have been a pretty painful period for you.
EP: Uh ah hunh.
CL: You know, I never expected to get a cell phone call from you, but I’ve got to say I like that “Little Less Conversation” ring tone.
The king seemed to ignore my comment as he was on a little bit of a roll.
EP And that Simon reminds me of Colonel Tom, he’s always telling everyone what they should do, what they shouldn’t do.
CL: Simon Cowell knows talent though. That Robson and Jerome were like the British Elvis.
EP: And who the heck let Tommy Mottola into my house? Memphis Mafia is one thing, but….
CL: He was cleared by Sony before they promoted him…Elvis, what’s your point here? I’ve got a blog to write.
EP: Those leeches use my house and my memory, but does anyone ask me, the real American Idol?
CL: Ask you what?
EP: Who should win…I had to spend all Tuesday night dialing Katharine McPhee’s 866 number on my cell phone.
CL: You voted for Katharine?
EP: Sure, ever seen pictures of Priscilla or Ginger Alden in dark wigs? (he sends me photos on my cell)
CL: But Elvis, it’s supposed to be a singing contest. It’s all about the music.
EP: Yeah, right and “Change of Habit” should have been best picture. Speaking of which, Mary Tyler Moore was kind of hot, even as a nun.
Elvis sends me a photo and I cross myself.
CL: It was better than “Blue Hawaii” and “GI Blues.”
I hear the sound of a 45 Magnum and what sounds like an exploding television in the background.
EP: You know, I thought I had an in on the voting anyway. Ginger and Teri Hatcher were both on “Capitol” when Ryan Seacrest was in middle school, but then Ryan went and screwed it up.
EP sends me an old film clip.
CL: Are you saying that you got Chris Daughtry eliminated?
EP: This was American Idol not American Kojak.
CL: Come on, really?
EP: I’m sure the NSA has the phone logs.
CL: Wow, I didn’t think of that. NSA can probably count the votes better than Dial Idol. You know, that’s kind of spooky.
EP: They might have called me the “King”, but that George W., he’s serious about being “King.”
CL: Being King is one thing, but modeling yourself on King John the Second before Runnymede and the Magna Carta, I’m a little less sure.
EP: Anyway ask your friend Karl Rove, he’s got the NSA report.
Elvis sends me the document via text message.
CL: Wow, five million votes for Katharine McPhee from a cell phone in Memphis. By the way, thirteen people with Jihadist ties voted for Taylor Hicks. Why Taylor?
EP: My contact at the NSA tells me that they think when Taylor makes those funny noises that it sounds like coded messages in Arabic.
CL: No way. Maybe Chris Daughtry’s screams might be a cry for Jihad, but…
EP: Look, you’ve got to trust in the U.S. Male my friend.
CL: So why not Elliott instead of Chris?
EP: I almost threw some votes Elliott’s way. He loves his mother. I put a Star of David on my mother’s grave. He did a great job on “Trouble” and he found a song that even I don’t remember singing. But talk about someone they should only shoot from the waist up on TV! That boy can’t move at all.
CL: Did you like Taylor’s “In the Ghetto”?
EP: You know he sounded pretty good, but this is the era of personal responsibility. In 1969, a white southerner like me singing about generational poverty made him seem relevant and with it.
(Elvis starts singing)
People, don’t you understand
The child needs a helping hand
Or he’ll grow to be an angry young man some day
Take a look at you and me,
Are we too blind to see,
Do we simply turn our heads
And look the other way
CL: Darn Elvis, that gave me chills. Didn’t know you were a liberal.
EP: Elvis sang it. People should believe it.
CL: You got a point there.
EP: If Taylor wanted to sound modern, he should have sung about tax cuts and how poor people are just lazy or just need faith-based intitiatives.
CL: Are there songs like that?
EP: There are libertarians who support the president on this NSA thing and having an Air Force General run the CIA, so I’d say anything is possible.
CL: Elvis, I didn’t know you followed politics this closely.
EP: I used to call Richard Nixon in the middle of the night. If you remember the story, he was going to make me an honorary DEA agent. That’s why I was working so hard on my karate.
CL: Elvis, you and this whole DEA thing…uh, I have to say given what I’ve read about your later habits, it’s kind of well…
EP: Look, if Rush Limbaugh can tell drug addicts that they have to take personal responsibility for their crimes, I could have been a DEA agent…(in the background) Can you fry me up another peanut butter and banana sandwich?
CL: Can we talk about the show? Taylor always talks about Joe Cocker and Ray Charles, but the facial expressions and some of his dance moves kind of seem like they were lifted from you?
EP: You mean like Elvis on LSD?
CL: Well, I wasn’t going to say that.
EP: Man, if he wants to be original, he’s got to figure out whether it’s “Soul Patrol” or “Sold Out Patrol.” I mean they need to ask Elvis. Elvis knows about that stuff. You know what gets me…they do my night and not one of them has the fashion sense to perform in a white jump suit with rhinestones and a red scarf. I thought that show had stylists working for them.
CL: Can we talk about Chris a little more?
EP: Yeah, you hear that interview after he got eliminated?
CL: Elvis, for those of us who are still in the building, the People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly interviews haven’t happened yet.
EP: Well, they will. Elvis would never have given an interview like that. Humble and polite. None of this “My fans must have been too sure I was gonna win stuff.”
CL: But there are suspicious minds out there who say the vote off couldn’t have been right.
EP: There are suspicious minds about the jump in the cost of Fuel, maybe the two are related. Geez, talk about paranoid. Anyway, I did Chris a favor.
CL: A favor?
EP: Sure, here’s a guy with two kids a wife. He loves his family. Everyone says what a decent guy he is. Look at my life. Taking drugs just to perform two hundred and fifty nights a year for an agent who took almost as much of the money as 19E’s contract does. People wanting me to be Elvis, wanting something from Elvis. You think a guy who can’t decide between boxers or briefs is going to survive that?
CL: Elvis, I got to ask you straight out about Katharine. You don’t think she got a little screechy and she shook up one your lyrics.
EP: Did you notice how quickly they said Mariah Carey in the Tommy Mottola film clip?
CL: I do remember they said Jennifer Lopez and Hall and Oates awful loudly first, but I thought that was to keep Randy from yelling out “I worked with Mariah.”
EP: Look. If you’re an idol like me, you know it’s kind of lonely. Do I want to hang out with Chris, Taylor, and Elliott as fellow Idols or do I want to hang out with a young woman with a great voice who looks like Priscilla pre-Michael Jackson’s mother-in-law phase?
CL: Well, America. There you have it. The King has spoken and apparently voted 5 million times in two hours. I guess it helps if you can be in any time zone you want to be.
EP: It’s now three to get ready and go Kat go, uh hunh.
One other note:
On Wednesday morning, my wife who now swears that she’s not going to watch the show again this year left an unopened package of boxer-briefs on the bed. The problem is that they weren’t my size so it made me a little suspicious. I started looking at our credit card statements and found all these fed-ex bills on days when she bought junk food, sun block, cologne, and well the list goes on. Anyway, I confronted her about it and she says I should never have bid on that yellow dress on EBay that already had a rip in it.
It was Elvis who counseled us. “Don’t be Cruel or you’ll wind up with a long term lease at “Heartbreak Hotel.” Love her Tender and you’ll be back on the “Mystery Train” of love.”
I can now honestly say that Elvis and the cell phone company that sponsors Idol saved my marriage and our happiness.
I just hate having to shave my head every day along with carving those funny patterns in my sideburns. Also, she’s making me take a microphone twirling class and I bopped myself in the head a couple times. So Chris needs to know, if America and Elvis didn’t necessarily love him enough there are plenty of people who still do.
I’m just hoping tonight we have a little less conversation, but I’m afraid she’s going to make me be John Peter Lewis.Powered by Sidelines