At the opening of Wednesday night's episode Ryan Seacrest tells us that this will highlight auditions that just didn't fit in prior episodes. He called this episode "The Best of the Rest", while I called it by its real name – "Filler." Because tonight was seriously a big, boring waste of time. The episode was sectioned off in five "Lessons" that those auditioning should (and should not) heed while trying out for American Idol.
Lesson 1: The Look. We get a mini-montage of people wearing the dumbest, weirdest outfits and costumes known to man. Yes, we see the astronaut guy again. Jeez. A victim is chosen, and it's Krista Fazzino, who is dressed like some sort of 1980's party girl going to a funeral. Krista is proud of her outfit, which consists of a black hat with a little veil, a red tulle scarf with matching shoes, a black and red corset, and black and white checkered capris. It's like she got dressed in the dark. Krista's singing was just as all over the place as was her sense of fashion, and she is sent away sans ticket.
On the other hand, Tami Gosnell walks in wearing a plain black shirt and jeans, with a tiny lip ring. Tami reminded me of Janis Joplin — a super cool, female hippie rocker kind of chick. Simon really liked her and thought she stood out. See future auditioners, you don't need to dress in outlandish clothes to get the judges' attention. Your voice and personality should do that.
Lesson 2: Inspiration. We see a mini-montage of people talking about the musicians who inspire them. We see a few Taylor Hicks wannabes. We're then introduced to Paul Kim, who said that William Hung inspired him, but not in how you think. Paul isn't happy with the fact that William Hung is the most well-known Asian "singer" in the U.S., and believe me, neither am I. Dammit, good Asian singers exist! Paul wants to prove that Hung doesn't represent all Asian singers, and to that I say: AMEN my brother! Paul breaks into Shai's "If I Ever Fall in Love" and is a bit breathy, but good. Paul goes through the next round.
Poor Jack Odanovich has deluded himself into thinking he can sing like Bo Bice. Jack was so inspired by Bo's unforgettable a capella performance of "In a Dream" that he auditioned with that song. Hardly a note was in tune. Somewhere, Bo's fans are crying. With laughter.
Lesson 3: Never Give Up. Ah, returnees. These people have auditioned more than once. One guy had auditioned for the past 5 years. Determination is great and all, but some people have got to take a hint! Other folks actually made it to Hollywood in previous years but were cut for one reason or another. Gina Glockson had auditioned three times and made it to Hollywood once. She's back, and gushes about her huge crush on Simon. Randy and Paula are grossed out and pity the poor girl. Gina is a bit of a rocker chick, with pink streaks in her black hair but she is very friendly. They say yes to her, and she asks for a hug from Simon, which he gives willingly. Aaawww.
More footage of judges' fans. Some girl is wearing a shirt with Simon's face on it. A guy is professing his love for Paula. A scary girl made a full-sized Simon puppet and is dancing with it. Some guys are wearing t-shirts with Randy's face on it. They're great shirts because it's an old pic of Randy from his Journey days. Simon signs one of the shirts and writes "Ugly", with an arrow pointing to Journey Randy's pic. Awesome.
Edward Sanchez has been a Paula fan since he was 8, when he saw her in the "Opposites Attract" video with MC Skat Kat. Ah, I loved that video, mainly because of the cartoon cat. Paula came up and gave him a big hug and kiss. Edward's singing sucked, but since he took the judges' rejection so well, I think his main mission was to meet Paula. We see Edward jump happily as he walked out to the street.
Lesson 4: Don't Audition Together. Three young ladies are friends and audition together. I mean that they were in the audition room at the same time. The cool thing is that these girls are Frisco's waitresses, and I totally know that place! It's in Hacienda Heights, CA, and I used to live there. I had classmates who worked as waitresses there, and I've eaten there many times. It's a fun, '50s-style diner and as you saw, the waitresses wear roller skates and cute uniforms. How cool is that to see Frisco's represented on TV! The uncool thing is that they don't all make it. Heather and Ashley are blonde and 17, while Ebony is black and 23. Ebony pretty much blew away her two friends in the audition. I'm not surprised since she's older. She has maturity and experience on her side. Ashley barely made it. Poor Heather was just not ready for this. I can only image what work was like the next day.
Lesson 5: Shake Your Moneymaker. A montage of weirdos dancing weirdly and stupidly. 'Nuff said.
Lesson 6: Clarity. Ah, these are the poor saps who can't enunciate while they sing. Yep, they featured that poor music teacher from last night, Sandie Chavez. After a mini-montage of mushmouths, we see Lakisha Jones, and boy was she good. Wow! I can totally see her in the Top 12. Simon was very impressed with her.
Ah, now we're done with this tripe. Next week we're on to Hollywood. The previews promise us a lot of juicy drama amongst the contestants, some tears of joy, and many tears of sorrow. Ryan announces that 12 guys and 12 girls will be chosen. Who will forget the words during the Group Round? Who will be stupid enough to party and stay out late instead of rehearsing? Who will have a nervous breakdown and bow out of the competition? Which rubes will, on their obligatory tour of Los Angeles, ooh and ahh over seeing the beach for the first time? Tune in with me next week, but until then… Kaonashi out!