“Johnny, I got only one more shift left before I have to head back to LA.”
With these words still ringing in our ears, Steven Seagal starts the season finale of Lawman. Sadly, the episode dives right into a tragic drive-by shooting. Seagal and his “team” arrive on the scene to find that the shooting victim is already dead. So, the only thing left for Seagal to do is narrate the horrific scene, while real law enforcement officers lock the area down and search for evidence. Well, almost.
“In my experience being a police officer in any crime, the bad guys always leave something."
Sure enough! Mr. Seagal’s Zen orb spots a spent shell casing lying on the pavement. Unfortunately, before they can take advantage of Seagal’s ocular prowess, his “team” is called away to a second shooting. Here again they find another homicide, only this time the victim was shot while inside his vehicle. Again, real law enforcement officers (i.e. not Steven Seagal) quickly determine that none of the neighbors saw the crime take place. This prompts Seagal to puff up his cheeks and blow a deep sigh. You know – much like he must do every time one of his movies goes straight to DVD.
“I sure would like to catch that shooter man, but I have only one more shift left before I have to head back to LA,” murmurs Seagal in his throaty fake Cajun growl.
Colonel John Fortunato responds, “It’s a shame you have to go when things are starting to kick right now.”
Shortly after that scintillating bit of essentially meaningless dialogue, Seagal and his “team” spot some more suspicious activity. The suspects run and are quickly apprehended in a house. A quick check reveals that the suspects have no warrants so they are released.
Naturally, we could not end the season without one more “oh my God, it’s Steven Seagal” moment!
“…you know who that dude is? Man, that’s Steven Seagal! Why don’t you break my neck or something?”
Thankfully, both for the suspects and for the Jefferson Parish sheriff’s department’s lawyers, Seagal chooses to sign autographs instead. However, he does lecture the suspects on the dangers of guns, drugs, and the “thug life.” After the lecture Colonel Fortunato decides to “call it a night.”
Next we see Seagal in his New Orleans residence meeting with Phil Goldfine, producer of Steamroller Productions. Seagal must think that we are all suffering from amnesia because he reminds us one more time that he’s leaving soon to shoot a movie in LA.
Anyhow, here we witness Seagal discussing the opening scene for his upcoming movie. Naturally, the scene under discussion is an action-packed shootout. What weapons should he use? How many “bad guys” should Seagal kill? Should he use his deadly hand-to-hand skills? These are all “serious” questions that really leave a bad taste in my mouth after the real deaths that were featured just minutes before.
As if he can read our collective minds, Seagal tries to make us feel better. “The thing that I’ve always loved about being a police officer is that it’s real. It’s real people, real dilemma, real problems, Hollywood is pretend.” However, despite Seagal’s apparent disdain for Hollywood, he does acknowledge that he sometimes gets to bring people joy and laughter through his movies. You know what? He does have a point: what could be more hilarious than Mr. Seagal pretending to kill people on the silver screen? I don’t know – maybe Mr. Seagal pretending to be a real police officer in Louisiana? Soon the Hollywood meeting concludes and Seagal heads back out on the street for his very last shift in Jefferson Parish.
“Let me look at these guys,” whispers Seagal as he spots some suspects dropping something on the street. Sadly, Seagal and his team discover it was the autograph-seekers who received the Steven Seagal “stern lecture” the night before. Worse still, Beavis, Butthead, and their friends are loaded down with illegal drugs! Despite all this, Mr. Seagal still holds out hope that one day they will change for the better.
- Two people die in shootings and we never find out if the perpetrators were ever captured.
- Several autograph-seeking suspects are lectured by Seagal about the dangers of street life.
- Later these same Seagal fans are arrested for possession of a big pile of drugs.
- Seagal spends time with his producer planning how to pretend kill bad guys in his next turdboiler movie.
Well, as they say in Hollywood, that’s a wrap. Or, perhaps, we would all be better off if I quoted Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of aikido?
“One does not need buildings, money, power, or status to practice the Art of Peace.”
But, what may be for the last time, I digress again.
The season finale closes with Steven Seagal saying goodbye to his “team.” Here for the 85th time in this particular episode we hear Seagal tell everyone that he’s headed back to Hollywood to make a movie. Despite this news he assures his “team,” the fans, and apparently anyone who will give him camera time that his heart is in Jefferson Parish. After that we are treated to a montage of past comedic scenes from the entire season. While this plays each member of his team reminisces about their time with Mr. Seagal.
“I’ll really be looking forward to coming back and getting some more bad guys,” mumbles Seagal.
After chronicling this past season of Lawman, something tells me that Jefferson Parish will not have to worry about that.