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TV Recap: Steven Seagal: Lawman – “Firearms of Fury”

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Okay, true believers, this episode has it all! First, it has guns — lots of guns! It also has car chases, cheesy Seagal quotes, Seagal dropping a record number of F-bombs, and even a dash of Aikido! You know — sort of like one of his movies. This time the bullets may be real, but the acting is still just as bad.

The action starts with "Reserve Deputy Chief" Steven Seagal hitting the streets with his team of hand-picked officers. Soon they get a call to investigate a suspect who is allegedly threatening people with a handgun. Once again we are treated to the slow motion camera work that is Steven Seagal’s martial cop eye. It’s not long before his mystical Zen eye spots the suspect’s vehicle which prompts Seagal to bark – "Come on now Johnny git‘em!"

One car chase later and the suspect is quickly stopped. Can it get any better? Definitely! This time they turn Seagal loose on the vehicle! Martial artists and couch potato-wannabes will easily spot the nifty Aikido move that Seagal uses to extract one of the suspects from the vehicle. Ah, but the action is not over just yet. This, after all, is Steven Seagal reality television! Prior to searching the vehicle Seagal quips: "My years of studying martial arts and my years of being a police officer have given me a real good sense of whose hiding something." Yes, you guessed it. A thorough search of the vehicle reveals a .44 Magnum handgun and our Zen master is the one who finds it!

Next up his team is called to a scene where a man was shot in the back with a shotgun. Here we are treated to the Zen master’s deadly mouth: "It’s a dirty motherfu**er who shoots you in the back — you hear me?"
We sure do Steven, we sure do.

The scene ends with what is quickly becoming a Lawman staple: Seagal barking orders at random people. I can only surmise that besides having been an ex-CIA agent, Aikido black belt, and blues musician Seagal must have also found the time to take EMT classes — why else would his voice carry so much authority when he uses it to order the paramedics to "strap him in?"

Up next, the show next gives us another opportunity to see Seagal at the gun range. This time the master shooter takes his team to the computer simulator for some reality training. Seagal is partnered with an officer and the simulation starts. Soon a suspect appears, fails to heed the orders to drop his weapon, and is promptly shot down in a flurry of simulated bullets! Upon hearing his deadly shooting score Segal turns to his team and says: "I’m going to say this again — I’m number one, right?"

Perhaps. However, in my book you’re probably just number two.

But where were we? Oh, yes. The scene transitions to our Hollywood hero in another car chase. This time "Reserve Deputy Chief" Seagal and Colonel Fortunato chase down an erratic driver. Once the suspect is pulled over, our hero is turned loose again. Using his bionic Zen ear, Seagal overhears the suspect state that he’s about to reach for a hidden gun. This leads to an anticlimactic struggle where Seagal pulls the perpetrator from the car and, in the process, accidentally knocks Colonel Fortunato on the ground!

The episode ends back at the range but this time Seagal and his team are in the "shoot house." We soon learn that the purpose of the shoot house is to not make a number two. Rather, it’s a place where Seagal’s merry band can practice armed home entry tactics. Predictably, Seagal’s team performs swimmingly and our Zen marksman even bags both paper bad guy targets.

The show closes with one last Seagalism — "Even though it’s a game, to us it’s not a game."

That, my friend, is the problem.

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