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TV Recap: Gossip Girl – “Chuck in Real Life”

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Vizzini in The Princess Bride: "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Now we can add another to the list — if you are Vanessa, what in the world could you possibly be thinking in blackmailing Blair? Couldn’t you just amuse yourself harmlessly by bathing with venomous snakes or snorting anthrax? 

Vanessa stupidly tempted fate in order to save an old vintage New York speakeasy. I know that every teen on this show downs liquor like its bottled water, even Eric, but if you’re trying to save a dingy old bar, should your point person really be a 17 year old girl?

Here’s how Blair reacted to being blackmailed… she promised Chuck Bass, the devil incarnate (or at least his son), sex in return for the seduction and humiliation of said Vanessa, or you know, what Chuck calls a Tuesday.  Nevertheless, in her haste to get back at Vanessa, Blair made a serious error. One would think that she could have dealt with Vanessa without pulling out the nuclear option. For Blair, who seems to miss being in Chuck’s bed, this must have seemed like killing two birds with one stone, but instead she found herself upsetting the very delicate Blair/Chuck mutually assured destruction arms race.

So yeah, Vanessa wound up humiliated, but in a way so did Blair.

The Devil comes to collect

Gossip Girl came very close to becoming the Red Shoe Diaries this week.

Blair: What took you so long?
Chuck: If you thought that was long you have no idea what you're in for.

But wait…

Despite what Eric said about nobody watching TV on TV anymore, this is still sort of network fare and no boots were knocked. Besides, sex is a secondary concern to both Chuck and Blair. They both want each other, but they both share the need for the complete and unconditional surrender of their adversary.   Chuck wants Blair to admit her love.

Blair: I will never say those words to you
Chuck: Then you will never have me

Sexual Heat Level

Dan/Serena – Tepid at best
Chuck/Blair – Volcanic

I’m usually in favor of the romance, but is there anyone who isn’t over whining Serena and wet blanket Dan. It’s time for Blair and Chuck to finally team up and give Austin Powers someone challenging to battle.

Did Chuck want Vanessa?

Who knows? Chuck’s Achilles' Heel is obviously his father Mephistopheles, I mean, Bart. We all know that Chuck loves vintage bars and is so dying for his father’s affirmation that he sends him detailed business prospectuses, so let’s chalk Chuck’s short patch of seeming humanity up to an off night.

Line of the night

Chuck to Vanessa: Did you have a reason for coming here, because if it’s to insult me there is a web site you can go to.

Coming in a close second

Chuck on Joe Kennedy: Rum runner, womanizer, millionaire. He was my kind of guy.

Actually, just about anything that Chuck said this week was quote worthy, including his admission that instead of buying him gifts, Bart just direct-deposits cash into his son’s offshore bank accounts.

Pitiful line of the night

Gossip Girl: Poor little Nate is …. Yuck… poor!

Future new cast member

Sarah Palin, who has spent over $150,000 on clothing since being chosen by John McCain as his running mate. I know that only represents half of what Blair, Serena, and Lily spend, but that’s got to put her in line to one day be a mini-Blair.

Serena acts out because Lily has been the worst mother in history

She’s had a million husbands and lovers, including the love of your life’s father, she wasn’t there for you, your gay brother tried to kill himself because she wasn’t around. Yawn. We get it.

What was Bart thinking?

Serena went off on a Girls Gone Wild mission (without her underwear) when Bart tried to impose a curfew on Manhattan’s favorite socialite. But, from where I sit, the black business suit Bart purchased for Serena was every bit as slutty as the red frock she wore out commando to embarrass him.

Dan loves Nate and Nate loves Dan

Zzzzzz

Eric appears in an episode

He even has a boyfriend. I look forward to seeing how that works out for him when he makes his next appearance… about seven episodes from now.

Someone in the cast will die

I read this in a magazine. Gee, I hope it’s Dan!

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  • Bossy

    hahah yeah I hope it’s Dan that is killed off too.