A partial transcript of this week’s even more partial Treehouse Fort.
Suss: The first rounds of Wimbledon kicked off this week. At one court there were complaints of too much grunting happening during the match, at which time Gov. Mark Sanford and his friend were asked to leave.
Tuffy: The United States will take on Brazil Sunday in the finals of soccer’s Confederations Cup, easily the best showing already for this nation in non-Olympic international sport since their victory in Global Thermonuclear War in 1989.
Suss: Magglio Ordoñez, who had his first haircut in five years, will auction off his curly locks on eBay for charity. The leading bid is currently White Sox closer Bobby Jenks, who says he could, “always use a backup goatee.”
Tuffy: Boston Red Sox starter Tim Wakefield fluttered into his tenth win this week, tying him for the most wins in the AL so far this season and possibly lining him up for an All-Star Game slot next month. Bud Selig has been said to be pushing for Wakefield’s addition to the team to pitch the 10th through 16th innings. For both teams.
Suss: In a midnight deal before the draft, The Suns dealt Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers. When asked if Nike was going to make a Shaq puppet to market alongside LeBron, a spokesperson said that is not likely, since Bobby Jenks keeps outbidding them for the material.
Tuffy: Manny Ramirez has started warming up for his return to the Los Angeles Dodgers with a trip to Albuquerque to play with the minor-league Isotopes. The nation’s “female fertility drug” joke industry has already expressed their appreciation for this bailout measure.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Bengie Molina, running out of dugout and almost getting hit by sausage racers
Florian Busch, refusing doping test because he was “having a private moment” with his girlfriend when the testers arrived
An anonymous Michael Jackson fan who honored MJ by hanging an Andre Rison Chiefs jersey at MJ’s vigil
Florida State linebacker Maurice Harris, for stealing a parking boot off his motorcycle