Suss: Longtime NFL analyst John Madden announced this week he was retiring from television. His replacement, Cris Collinsworth, has been furiously working on his Telestration, his turducken recipe, and in between anecdotes about Dave Casper he lets Al Michaels sit on his lap so he can see above the desk.
Tuffy: The Chicago Blackhawks won their first playoff game in seven years Thursday night as the NHL playoffs kicked off this week. The Treehouse Fort reminds you to change your smoke detector batteries twice a year: at the start of the NHL playoffs and after the Stanley Cup Finals.
Suss: Allen Iverson’s bodyguard reportedly hit a fellow bar patron in the eye with a bottle on Easter Sunday. Authorities were admittedly impressed that Iverson’s bodyguards were able to go all of Lent without doing this.
Tuffy: Third baseman Alex Gordon of the Kansas City Royals will be out three months after hip surgery. This is the first mention of “hip” and “Kansas City” together since Wilbert Harrison left town.
Suss: The New Yankee Stadium opened up this week against the Cleveland Indians, and have so far lost two of three games by scores of 10-2 and 22-4. Yankees pitchers were a little unnerved, citing the famous ghosts in the stadium. In a related story, Carl Pavano pitches for the Indians against the Yankees this afternoon.
Tuffy: The Boston Celtics revealed that Kevin Garnett’s knee injury may keep him out of the NBA playoffs for the defending champion. When Ray Allen heard the news, he reflexively elbowed the examining doctor in the groin.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
• (Now former) Ohio H.S. teacher Lori Epperson who took students to gay strip club that serves alcohol
• Florida International’s president, for giving Isiah Thomas 5-year head coaching job, mispronouncing his name (Isiah Thompson) at the press conference
• Little League coach Marlon Wade, caught with $24,000 of cocaine and unregistered weapon
• Manny Ramirez, currently in a 2-year deal with L.A., for wanting to reunite with Jim Thome in Cleveland after this season
• ESPN’s Karl Ravech, getting Roberto Clemente confused with Jackie Robinson