Suss: According to the White House, President Obama will not throw out the first pitch of the Washington Nationals first home game of the season. As a result, Nationals manager Manny Acta will be forced to start Daniel Cabrera.
Tuffy: The Masters heads into Sunday’s final round with two co-leaders: 48-year-old Kenny Perry and Argentinean (and notorious chain-smoker) Angel Cabrera. The PGA has determined that, due to insurance concerns, the final pairing for Sunday will be allowed to use both caddies and nurses.
Suss: A screenwriter is currently trying to sell a movie portraying Greg Oden when he played basketball in high school. Studios are skeptical, noting they have a film coming this summer titled Ice Age 3.
Tuffy: The Frozen Four, college hockey’s marketing answer to the NCAA men’s basketball tourney, ended Saturday night with a 4-3 overtime victory for Boston University over Miami University of Ohio. In the end, the Terriers proved to be a Bemidji better than the RedHawks.
Suss: According to reports out of Milwaukee, Fox and Major League Baseball are working on a plan to start World Series games a half hour earlier than last year, and even have one game start in the late afternoon. To account for the lost revenue, Fox is planning to add 50% more car commercials, three additional video montages featuring the Foo Fighters, and will grant Bud Selig the power to postpone a game in the event it runs long enough that it conflicts with any TV Land marathons of My Three Sons.
Tuffy: The participants in the NBA Playoffs have already been determined, leaving only jockeying for position. The most important slots available are home court advantage throughout the playoffs, home court advantage in the first round, and home court advantage by getting Jessica Alba to sit courtside and support your team this off-season.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
• British soccer ref for giving a yellow card to a player for “breaking wind.”
• Courtney Paris, Oklahoma womens’ basketball player, who says she would give back her $64,000 scholarship if her team didn’t win the NCAA tourney (they lost to Louisville and she’s keeping her word).
• Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner, arrested for disorderly conduct, squaring off to fight police officers who then Tasered him
• Joe Frazier, saying Muhammed Ali’s Parkinson’s Disease was a judgment from God.