This is a very hard post to write because tomorrow begins the preliminary phase of…
…The Wedding Diet!!!
Between now and November 4th of this year (the date of my wedding) I need to lose about 20-30 pounds. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not possible. People who diet just diet because everyone else is dieting and at the end of the day, no one ever really loses weight.
Except for me.
So here are The Top Ten Things I Will Miss About Being A Fat Dude.
10. The Jokes — There’s nothing like a good fat joke to make some poor miserable fat person feel as if they belong living amongst wild animals somewhere on a planet very far not near here.
I have friends and family who spend hours coming up with brand spanking new ways to make fun of my fatness. I will miss their creativity. And they will miss such an easy target.
9. The Excuses — When you’re fat you gain access to a select amount of excuses other, more lightweight folks do not have. Like, there are times when my girlfriend will have to tie my shoes because I cannot bend over being so fat. Or, say I’m laying on the couch and want a cupcake but am too fat to get off my ass to retrieve it. Someone will get it for me. I like that. I will miss that.
8. Extra Large Clothing — See, because fat people are fat, we need to wear clothes that are big and baggy because, well, they are so very comfortable. Once I become skinny I will have to start buying tight-fit, loose-fit, sexy-fit shit. I’ll have to start paying close attention to those annoying Gap commercials. The word, snug, will become a permanent fixture in my vocabulary.
“Gee, that feels snug.” “Does it feel snug enough?” “Is there anyway we can get more snug out of these snug snugs?
7. Looking Tough — Underneath all this fat is a very weak person. I can’t fight, box, karate, sumo, wrestle — any of it. I’m a lost cause. But when you’re fat, you’re naturally big. Big = scary. I have perfected this “really mean scary guy” look that I use everywhere I go. No one ever fucks with me.
Yeah, I will miss that.
6. Extra Time In The Bathroom — I will miss those extra twenty minutes us fat people are allowed to spend in the bathroom. If some skinny guy milks a half hour in the bathroom, people will immediately think he’s masturbating. But if a fat guy walks out, they give that understanding nod with their head, as if to say — “oh, okay, you’re fat. Take your time big boy. Take your time.”
5. More Room On The Bed — Currently, I am allowed more then half of the bed because of my large body needing special access to secure areas. Losing weight means losing this area I’ve grown so accustomed to. If I can only convince my girlfriend to start sleeping on the floor.
4. Knowing My Local Fast Food Cashier’s By Name — I so will miss going into my neighborhood pizza shop and having everyone who works there simultaneously shout out, “Fat Dude!” There’s nothing like owning your own personalized booth at Burger King. McDonald’s will have to scratch those plans to name a value meal after me. Man, it’s these little things that will make it so rough.
3. Taking More Then One Helping — You know that guy who’s always standing right next to the dip as if it were prepared just for him and not for any of the other 30 guests? I will miss being that guy.
2. Not Having To Work Out — I love not going to the gym and having to stand next to people who say things like, “yeah, so today I’m doing bi’s and tri’s, then tomorrow I’ll do legs. Hey man, you need a spot?”
Know how embarrassing it is to just bench press the bar? Now I will start having to stand in front of those big gym mirrors and make agonizing faces while lifting heavy objects. I’d rather be eating.
1. The Food — Of all the wonderful things listed above, it’s the food that will be the hardest to let go of. Oh, the food. I am a food professional. I own over 50 cookbooks. Whenever I go somewhere, I’m the guy who always asks whether or not there will be food available.
I love food.
Having to eat smaller portions of healthy food is like taking away my food. Oh wait, yeah, that’s exactly what it’s like. Why am I still writing this when I only have a few hours left of eating?
Wish me luck.