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Top 10 Reasons Americans, or Anyone Else for that Matter, Shouldn’t Watch the Royal Wedding

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Every once in a while an event comes along that makes me proud to be an American, a republican. In case you haven’t heard, Friday will be one of those times. From the over-blown, over-pompous parade, to the treacly comments on the bride’s shy and down to earth nature, everything will be broadcast live and in living (more or less color). So, my fellow Americans here are the Top 10 reasons you should be tuning out. But , if somehow you can’t avoid it, I also offer you the Official Royal Wedding Drinking Game:

10. A Rogues Gallery of Tyrants and Dictators – The Queen invited the Crown Prince of Bahrain, who is most certainly responsible for the deaths of dozens through various acts of state terror. However, at least he declined to attend. Other dignitaries from the despotic families of the Gulf Region will attend, including Saudi Arabia where de facto slavery is still practiced. King Mswati III of Swaziland will also be attending despite human rights abuses reported by Human Rights Watch.

9. The Big Dis – Not only were the Obamas not invited, neither were any of the former Labour Prime Ministers of the UK.

8. Camilla – Anyone bring an apple? Here we can find the first part of the Official Royal Wedding Drinking Game. Any time an announcer says the word, “horse” you have to say Camilla. If you say it, you are the winner (errr loser) and everyone else has to drink.

7. Who Are These People Anyway? – Have they ever done anything beyond just being born into wealth and privilege? Just why do they deserve 24/7 media coverage? Oh yeah, they’re getting married, right…

6. Diana – Isn’t her 15 minutes over yet? Her memory is also part of the Official Royal Wedding Drinking Game. Since she had the good sense to leave the zoo that is Buckingham Palace, every time an announcer says the word Diana, you are required to say, “Cheers!” and then drink. Trust me, it is one of the only ways you will manage to get through this.

5. Let’s Celebrate Imperialism – Why anyone would want to celebrate the memory of an empire that did-in more people than Nazi Germany is beyond me? The people of Ireland, India, South Africa, Kenya, Palestine, America, and many more should turn our backs on this travesty on mere principle. The world is still getting over the long-term hangover that is British Empire. It is certainly nothing to celebrate.

4. Because Tourists Are Money – A shout-out goes to John Lyden on this one. Our British cousins will beat us Americans over the head with this for the next 15 years to get us to visit grotty old country. In all seriousness, avoid this exploitation and go to Disneyland. The food is better!

3. Putting American Celebrities Back to Work – Britney, Lindsay, and Charlie Sheen… when was the last time you heard about these folks. In this economic downturn, America can’t afford to give all its precious coverage to foreigners (unless they move to Southern California). These are desperate times. Even Donald Trump had to resort to pretending to run for President just to get some press. What a world!

2. The Dress – This is the last part of the Official Royal Wedding Drinking Game. Every time an announcer says, “The Dress” everyone must drink and drink and drink and drink and…

1. The Bill – It has been estimated the Royal Wedding will cost British taxpayers a minimum of 20 million pounds. Somehow, I doubt if they will even bother to hand out even cake to the impoverished. Seriously, that’s not so funny.

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About Jerald Cumbus

  • I find it fascinating that only about 6% of Americans even care about this “event”. I saw an article just the other day that reported American networks were going to have far more coverage than the British networks would, which just might account for a large portion that 6% who cares.

    I plan on reading up on the Battle of Bunker Hill instead.

  • STM

    Jerald, you old curmudgeon. At least with the British Empire, everyone who lived through it, and that was most, ended up with an education, healthcare, a railway … and democracy.

    Bit different to Nazi Germany.

    A Filipino historian expressed his regret to me a couple of years ago in regard to his country’s colonisation first by Spain, the the US.

    His idea was that if you absolutely have to be colonised by anyone, better the British than anyone else, because at least they leave you with rule of law.

    I agree with him.

    When the ledger is counted, the balance for good outweighs the bad.

    Plus, they have a very nice flag.

  • Boeke

    Indeed, the flag is excellent, and makes good T-shirts.

    It’s a soap opera, and we all love it because it gives us hope for mankind. The human is a gregarious animal and we all feel bound up in this simple but central human activity: marriage.

  • S.T..M

    Boeke: “Indeed, the flag is excellent, and makes good T-shirts”

    Not bad as a beach towel, either.

  • S.T..M

    And Jerald, if you’re a professor, I hope for the sake of young American minds you’re not a professor of history.

    Luckily, I got to watch a rugby game instead but billions who watched it can’t be wrong, including my wife, who recorded it on two different channels while watching it and who is driving me nuts today by a) rewatching it, and b) talking about it incessantly.

    I think that’s the sound of a nail being hit on the head.

    Most of those supposed two billion TV viewers around the world were sheilas.

    There’s yer answer Jerald. Clever marketing to a legion of women.

    They DO love a good wedding.