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Tomorrow’s Tale

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After a night of little to no sleep, as ya’ do when your mind won’t shut down, I finally dressed about 5:00 a.m., would have killed for the diet coke that taunted me from the fridge which was forbidden to me, and by 6:00 Monday morning was writing a really big check to a doctor about to operate on my eye.

It was cool outside, unusually cool, or maybe it just felt cooler because my nerves were more sensitive. If you haven’t been there, its difficult to describe what goes through your mind as you read (with one eye) all the complications that can arise. They don’t sink in at that moment, especially when the doctors disagree over the type of anesthetic.

The operating table was cold. Those parts which have a tendency to be exposed with a hospital gown were freezing. The IV that was put into my arm was freezing. It felt like liquid cold infusing my veins.

Then the smiling faces of the theretofore disagreeing doctors loomed over me to tell me everything would be fine.

When I woke up, I had a hard time remembering why I was there. The mummy bandages seemed strange, and the “gook” in my hair was completely foreign. I knew on some level that it was the solution with which they swabbed on all pertinent areas because I had a smudge of orange on my cheek. Betadine.

When I breathed consistently, and was sufficiently awake they sent me home with a list of instructions. Don’t move around too much, don’t bend over, stay in bed, don’t try to read. They made every effort to see I didn’t cough or throw up since it would put strain on their work.

Three more days now until the bandages come off. If you have never been faced with the possibility that the removal of mummy bandages might completely change your life, then you haven’t lived :)

I am a writer, a poet, and write from things I see with both eyes. What if I could only see out of one? What would you do if you knew you only had one more day to be the person you were before.

Would the world look different to you? Would the world look UPON you differently? All good questions.

Or if something else happened and you only had one day to say everything you wanted to say, what would it be?

What would your regrets be? What would your praises be? What would you have done differently, and what would you do now? More good questions.

Perhaps the model of a lesson that each day we live could be our last. That each day we live could be the last as we know it. A startling revelation that we don’t get to go back and fix the things that we did wrong, or that we would change. We always think we have more time.

So, we take the day to tell those who are important how much they mean to us. We take the day to squelch regrets and magnify praises. We take the day to say I love you to those we do, and to make amends to those we didn’t take the time to.

It is both a humbling and envigorating experience. The world will never be the same even if the outcome is the best. The reason? Because we had to think of the options.

A tale without an ending. But then we always think tomorrow will write the ending. It usually doesn’t..

Claire

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About Claire

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Best of luck. Please let us all know how everything turned out…

    I have very poor eyesight. I wear contacts, but may get laser eye surgery at some point. And, if I do, there is always the possibility of somethng going wrong…

    So, I can kinda empathize… :-/

  • Claire

    RJ, and I can certainly empathize with you. I stuck a willow branch in my eye and it tore something, and then got infected….and long story follows, but it didn’t heal so they finally had to operate on it. Final bandages come off Monday…Hopefully, my two eyes will be good again, but this little ditty arose out of the fact that “what if they weren’t?”

    I appreciate your reading and commenting, and i have many friends who have had lasix, and done perfectly…My best to you.

    Claire

  • http://adamantsun.blogspot.com Steve S

    Best of luck to you Claire, I’m sure things will turn out okay. Be sure to let us know so we don’t worry.

    I went through the same thoughts you are going through, (about how to live each day as if it might be the last), when my mother passed away.

    Our journey through surrogacy was a rough one that took 5 years, we had to fire two surrogacy clinics and our lawyer, and had to threaten to sue in order to get our money back. There are far too many scammers out there who will prey on the desperate. Anyway, we ended up going through a surrogacy without any experts in the field, doing everything ourselves. It was a very emotionally traumatic journey for us, but my mom was very supportive and was always there for me to talk to (long distance).

    One night, she had had a very bad day at work, she was upset and was drinking. We talked on the phone offering each other support and making each other feel better. We ended the conversation with the traditional ‘I love you’ and then about 2 and a half hours later I got a call from my sister who lives in the same town that my mom did. There had been a fire at mom’s house and she was in a coma. 5 days later her body began to shut down and she passed away.

    When the fire chief’s report came out, the cause of the fire was ruled to be a lit cigarette and the time of the fire was almost one hour BEFORE we hung up together. (The firemen found her on the floor near the bed, phone next to her hand). Which meant that when we were comforting each other, the other side of her house was already burning.

    Realizing what was in motion during that phone conversation made me go through a ‘every minute could be your last’ experience. The good that can come from such a relevation is that when you do actually begin to live that way, your soul can achieve an inner peace that makes anything else that comes your way inconsequential.

    (Then of course you have a kid and realize how screwed up the world is and how much you have to do to try and make things right for them, but that’s a different story).

    The best part of the whole story is that I believe my mom is a guardian angel to my daughter. Shortly after her death, we then found the perfect surrogate, the insurance money helped us complete the amount we needed to make things possible since the surrogate was on the east coast (a lot of travel and hotel, etc.), and although there were a few scary moments legally and we ended up getting screwed by the insurance company, it was all a breeze compared to what we had been through up to that point. I believe my mom had a hand in making my dream come true.

    It is both a humbling and envigorating experience. The world will never be the same even if the outcome is the best. The reason? Because we had to think of the options.

    Well said.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Very sorry for your loss, Steve. That’s especially tough, considering the circumstances.

    Life is brief. It’s best if we all live our lives fully in the knowledge of that truism.

    Of course, we rarely do… :-/

  • http://adamantsun.blogspot.com Steve S

    Thanks RJ. We can only try to live that way, but we are all human and subject to a myriad of emotions and perspectives throughout our lives. I can’t say that I live that way constantly, but when I’m able to focus on it, I can achieve it for awhile.