Here’s a jaded look ahead at the worst the Fall 2005 TV season has to offer. Based on absolutely nothing other than the shows’ titles, their network-created webpages, and my boundless cynicism.
Part 1: The Big Three
-ABC has made the bold move of immediately following Jake in Progress, a thirty minute show about a ladies’ man whose friends have all settled down and who now finds himself ready for commitment for the first time in his life, with What About Brian, a show about a ladies’ man whose friends have all settled down and who now finds himself ready for commitment for the first time in his life. But — here’s the kicker — it’s a sixty minute show! Don’t tell me ABC doesn’t have fresh ideas!!
-Tom’s reasons why not to watch Emily’s Reasons Why Not: 1) It stars Heather Graham, who is such an incredibly bad actress, it’s almost anti-acting. 2) There’s no need for a second reason.
-I love Paula Marshall. I think she’s beautiful and funny and wonderful in every show she’s ever been in. Unfortunately, she has killed nearly every show she’s ever been in. Stone cold dead. Like Ted McGinley, she’s a serial show-killer. (Sports Night never had a chance — it guest-starred both of them!) The upshot of which is: don’t get hooked on Out of Practice (even if it does also feature Stockard Channing and Henry Winkler). Hey, this will be her first kill on CBS! Way to go, Paula!
-This is the kind of show that makes me want to smack someone. First of all, that title: Ghost Whisperer. Are they serious with that crap? Horse Whisperer was a lame enough name; good job on giving it that extra little twist to make it even lamer. Second, it claims to be “inspired by the cases of famed psychic James Van Praagh.” Which infuriates me. For the last time, America: “psychics” are bullshit. They are con artists, nothing more. Basing a TV show on the chicanery of such a charlatan is tantamount to endorsement of his “powers”; it aids and abets the deception and exploitation of the gullible and bereft. I feel the same anger about the inexplicably popular Medium. Which of course brings us to number three: this could not be a more blatant rip-off of Medium. Hot babe with psychic powers solves crimes. Come on! Can’t you at least pretend you’re trying to be original? And finally, we have the star: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Really? In a crime drama? I’m out!! I don’t have the most discerning of TV viewing habits; I will watch practically anything. I’ll tell you what: I will never watch this.
-The homepage of Surface (previously known as Fathom) asks the provocative (by which I mean “stupid”) question, “Ever wonder what life would be like if a new form of sea life began to appear in locales all over the Earth?” If you don’t mind, I’m going to answer for each and every one of you: NO. No, we have not. Don’t be an idiot. You know what other question we never asked? “Can we see that one hot chick from Boston Legal in a dopey, aquatic-based sci-fi show that will fold after six episodes? No, the other hot chick. No, the other one.”
-You can tell E-Ring is doomed just because of its stupid title. Sounds like an internet phone service. Before seeing the commercials, would you ever have guessed it’s really about the Pentagon — and it stars Dennis Hopper? Frank Booth — in the frickin’ Pentagon? That’s it! World’s over.
Now posted — Part 2: The Netlets.