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Today’s Headlines, Minus the Bullshit

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Republicans Vow To Clean Up Washington. In Related News, Satan Vows to Clean up Hell.

U.S. Kills Bin Laden’s Number Two (Again) Bringing Total to Two Number Threes, a Number Four and Three Number Fives. Pentagon Bemoans That We’re Not Playing Stratego. Unfazed Bin Laden To Continue Issuing New Recordings at Same Rate as Eminem.

Whale Stranded in River Thames Dies: Prince Andrew Unavailable for Comment about Death of Former Spouse.

Hamas Poised to Defeat Fatah in Palestinian Elections. Hamas Leader Barghouti Refers to Self as “Compassionate Conservative” stating: “I’m a Uniter not a Disemboweler; Well, Actually, I Like Both.”

U.S. Allows Cuban National Team To Compete in World Baseball Classic: As Part of Deal, Cuba Agrees to Take Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Bond’s Aston Martin from “Goldfinger” Sells for 2.1 Million: Still no Takers for Yugo from “A View To A Kill”.

Scientists Find “No Link” Between Cell Phone Use and Brain Cancer: Remain Unsure about Link Between Internet Use and Masturbation.

Nagin Says New Orleans to be Rebuilt As “Chocolate City”: Outraged Frankenberry Threatens Lawsuit.

Robertson Attributes Sharon Stroke to Divine Retribution: Astonished Deity Denies Talking To Robertson, Claims Sharon was “Old and Overweight.”

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About The Fifth Dentist

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    NSA Announces Creation Of Telemarketing Department

  • http://www.morethings.com/log Al Barger

    Oh, Suss- you’ve been hanging around this deviated Fifth Dentist too much. You’re starting to sound like him.

  • http://www.fifthdentist.blogspot.com The Fifth Dentist

    All must become like me or perish.

  • Dave Nalle

    I’ll go with perishing then, thanks.

    Dave

  • http://www.fifthdentist.blogspot.com The Fifth Dentist

    In your case, I’d actually prefer that.

  • Bong

    ALITO QUITS AFTER GETTING ETHICS LECTURE FROM TED KENNEDY!

  • http://www.fifthdentist.blogspot.com The Fifth Dentist

    That’s terrific. You should probably go do another bowl.

  • Bing

    Here’s some news ……………….

    Alito gets confirmed to Supreme Court. Justices Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas give him a gift. a t-shirt which reads “I was Boreked by Chuck Schumer and Ted Kennedy, got confirmed anyway and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

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