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Toby Keith, I Challenge You To a Curling Match

Dear country music superstar Toby Keith:

I read that you took up the great sport of curling at the Nashville Curling Club. You and your band apparently have a team and after watching curling at the Winter Olympics you have aspirations of playing in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

One small problem, Toby: You gotta go through us. My team and me.

The qualifying rounds for the next Olympic games aren’t for a few years, but you might want to get a taste for what you’re into by driving up I-75 and facing off against us in a friendly bout of superiority.

That’s right, we challenge you, Toby Keith, to a curling match. Name the time. Come to Bowling Green. We’ll take you on.

While the sport is that of a friendly one, me and my band of merry men will unfortunately bury our draw shots behind our guards, and knock your stones out with takeout after takeout.

See, when I finished my college curling career in Chicago I turned pro and set my aspirations on also qualifying for the ’10 Vancouver games. I’ve done plenty of conditioning for the sport: stretching, sliding, sweeping, playing Granite in my spare time, and… um, well, that’s it. But that’s more than you have ever done with the sport, Toby Keith.

And after the beatdown in Bowling Green, watch out in a few years. If our paths cross at the U.S. Nationals, we’ll have to put a hammer in your ass, courtesy of the red, white, and blue.

Granted, other curlers have a better chance at being Olympians than you or me, such as — oh, I don’t know — Pete Fenson and his band of Bemidji, Minnesota men. There are also a slew of good young curlers in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and the other part of Minnesota. Plus the University of Washington won the last two college national championships.

All I’m saying is that this lofty dream of wearing the stars and stripes in Vancouver isn’t big enough for the both of us. And my dream will be burst when I lose to a rink from Wisconsin, while yours will end when you run into a wall of hip young boys from Ohio.

So we’ll see you in BG, country music superstar Toby Keith. When you fall at the hands of Blogcritics’ finest curler, you might want to trade in your guitar for the world’s smallest violin.

–Suss

About Suss

  • Bliffle

    Minnesota does have a long curling tradition. I remember an indoor curling rink in St. Paul (I think it was around Selby St. and Dale) which I found fascinating the couple times I stopped in to watch.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Bliffle, I played at SPCC back in ’04 at college nationals. Yes, Selby St. rings a bell. The most awesome rink I’ve ever seen. Not much to look at from the outside, but the inside is amazing. Eight sheets — and it even had a webcam.

  • Scott Butki

    Ooh, a challenge! You go, guy

  • Carol Johnson

    I really wouldn’t want to challenge Toby Keith to anything, because when Toby sets his mind to something….well he concurs and achieves ALL his goals! Hey, he is ONLY 6’4 and about 245lbs… So I am sure you will be up for a fight..Wish I could be there..My $$ is on Toby and his team….(Oh yeah…Have you seen his band members and road crew? They are in FINE Physical shape) Go Toby…….Bring home the GOLD!!

  • sal m

    my money is on team suss…

    i smell pay per view….

  • Bliffle

    Mat: So it’s still there! I suppose it was old when I saw it, and that was many years ago.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Not only still there, but widely popular. They had to move college nationals to Chicago after that. I forget how many members they have, but 1,000 sounds about right.

    I’ll go out on a limb without looking it up and say it’s the most popular U.S. curling club in terms of size. Bemidji might be close.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    It’s nice that Toby Keith is doing what he can to increase the media recognition of curling and make it more popular.

    That being said, he ain’t ever gonna be in the Olympics…

  • Uncle Mike

    What the HECK does this have to do, with you picking the NY Spankeys over the Boston Red Sox? Please…let’s try and stay focused here!

  • Sherri

    Great article, but even better — Granite looks awesome! Thanks for sharing that info. I smell a new obsession, while I wait for next curling season.

  • Scott Butki

    I wonder how many people will type “curling” and “Toby Keith” in the same google search and find themselves here

  • http://absent-mind.blogspot.com/ Jet in Columbus

    Why do I suddenly have a picture of Toby Keith in my head, riding a broom and shreiking “I’ll get you my pretty!” at Matt, cowering far below?

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    When witches start riding synthetic brooms, I’ll know the bristle industry will come to a screechign halt.

  • Pat Williams

    Come 2010 in Vancouver, neither of these teams, playing consistantly for the next 4 yrs will be good enough to beat most “club level” teams in Canada and the USA, let alone trying to beat teams like Pete Fenson for a trip to the “Great White North”.

    Sussman I like the comedy angle you have taken with the Toby thing. Any exposure for the game in the vastness of the american sporting land has to be a good thing. But to have Toby think that he could compete for an olympic spot in 2010 is crazy, and some what of a insult to the game and it’s current place in American sport.

    Kick his ass! I’ve got 20 bucks on the under paid(has to be with all those titles and jobs) comedic writer from Ohio. If you start losing let me know if you need a spare. Or if Toby gets by the Ohio 4, send him north of the boarder for a tour duty that will replenish his drive in his music career.

    LMAO. “How Do You Like Me Now”.

    Great article Matt.

  • Scott Butki

    I’m thinking this should be a pay per view match.

  • http://absent-mind.blogspot.com/ Jet in Columbus

    Only if it’s in the nude

  • Scott Butki

    In that case I’ll pass