Dear country music superstar Toby Keith:
I read that you took up the great sport of curling at the Nashville Curling Club. You and your band apparently have a team and after watching curling at the Winter Olympics you have aspirations of playing in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.
One small problem, Toby: You gotta go through us. My team and me.
The qualifying rounds for the next Olympic games aren’t for a few years, but you might want to get a taste for what you’re into by driving up I-75 and facing off against us in a friendly bout of superiority.
That’s right, we challenge you, Toby Keith, to a curling match. Name the time. Come to Bowling Green. We’ll take you on.
While the sport is that of a friendly one, me and my band of merry men will unfortunately bury our draw shots behind our guards, and knock your stones out with takeout after takeout.
See, when I finished my college curling career in Chicago I turned pro and set my aspirations on also qualifying for the ’10 Vancouver games. I’ve done plenty of conditioning for the sport: stretching, sliding, sweeping, playing Granite in my spare time, and… um, well, that’s it. But that’s more than you have ever done with the sport, Toby Keith.
And after the beatdown in Bowling Green, watch out in a few years. If our paths cross at the U.S. Nationals, we’ll have to put a hammer in your ass, courtesy of the red, white, and blue.
Granted, other curlers have a better chance at being Olympians than you or me, such as — oh, I don’t know — Pete Fenson and his band of Bemidji, Minnesota men. There are also a slew of good young curlers in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and the other part of Minnesota. Plus the University of Washington won the last two college national championships.
All I’m saying is that this lofty dream of wearing the stars and stripes in Vancouver isn’t big enough for the both of us. And my dream will be burst when I lose to a rink from Wisconsin, while yours will end when you run into a wall of hip young boys from Ohio.
So we’ll see you in BG, country music superstar Toby Keith. When you fall at the hands of Blogcritics’ finest curler, you might want to trade in your guitar for the world’s smallest violin.