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Time Catches Up With Serial Toe-Licker

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It has taken me thirty-some years to figure out what I want to do with my life, and now they have to go and shoot my dreams down: Proposed Dutch Law Would Ban Unsolicited Toe-Licking. From the article:

    A police spokesman said Friday a man had been detained after women sunning themselves in Rotterdam’s parks and beaches claimed he had snuck up on them and begun to lick their toes.

    “The officers had to let him go. Licking a stranger’s toes is rather unusual but there is really nothing criminal about it,” the spokesman said.

    Dutch press reports said the man, who is about 35, had been licking the toes of strangers for about three years but was only recently caught by police.

That could make for an excellent movie. I’m thinking it could be something like the head-crusher guy from Kids in the Hall meets Eraserhead meets Jaws meets Doctor Detroit. I’m seeing all kinds of possibilities:

    Sound: theme music from Jaws
    Close-up: beady eyes of crazed toe-licker
    Zoom out: The toe-licker (played by Jim Carrey) hiding in some bushes wearing a yellow t-shirt with a smiley face on it (or maybe a Rolling Stones lips and tongue image?)
    Close-up: Ten innocent, easy-going toes illuminated by the sun and minding their own business
    Zoom out: Camera swoops from toes up toward head of the person, revealing a full-body aerial screen shot of a bikini sunbather (trouble will be to find great actress who has nice toes–Charlize Theron?)
    Jaws music heightens
    Shot of toe-licker zigzagging from bush to tree as he narrows in on target (possible tip-toe sound effect from Loony Toons)
    Switch back several times between slow-motion shot of toe-licker licking and savoring the victim’s toes and slow motion shot of guy (played be actor who was the Lead biker from Any Which Way But Loose) eating individually-cut sloppy barbeque ribs (Jim Carrey could totally pull off Academy Award levels of toe-licking acting)
    End shot of toe licker running away (nobody else in frame), crazy-laughing under breath, loping like a cross between Igor and Rodney Dangerfield, as we hear Nancy Kerrigan-style cries of “Why me?”

It could be a comic-book style movie with super heroes sworn to protecting fetishized objects and body parts from villains who defile them with their fetishistic impulses. Here we could feature Toe Man (Toe Jam Man? I’m struggling for a cool name for this super hero. Digit Man? Little Piggy Man? I’ll work on it) in his attempts to thwart Toe-Licker Man (Toe Jam Flosser? Slobber Fiend? Needs work. . .).

I’m no toe fetishist, but the twisted side of me wants to hear toe-licker man’s stories. What made him become a toe-licker? Do all toes taste the same? Any toe-jam horror stories? What are the daily mental struggles of a toe-licker like?

Seriously, the toe-licking fetish could turn into something much worse (rape? Jeffrey Dahmer?). I support the anti-toe-licking law. Here in the US, I think toe licking would qualify as assault (which I think is basically any unwanted touching).

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About Dirtgrain

  • http://www.unproductivity.com Tom Johnson

    Do all toes taste the same?

    I’m eating at the moment and reading this line just about let spew a whole mess of food. Nasty, man. Nasty.

  • Eric Olsen

    baby toes are irresistible to suck – that’s as far as I’ll go

  • boomcrashbaby

    Seriously, the toe-licking fetish could turn into something much worse (rape? Jeffrey Dahmer?). I support the anti-toe-licking law. Here in the US, I think toe licking would qualify as assault (which I think is basically any unwanted touching).

    I agree that it would probably be assault in the U.S. but I don’t know how you arrive at your conclusion that unsolicited toe-licking can lead to rape or murder.

    Rape and the type of murders that Dahmer did stem from power. Toe-licking (unsolicited), I would think is more like the man in the yellow raincoat flashing. I don’ t think that stems from control as much as it does shock value. I could be wrong though, and you could be right.

    It just sounds odd, toe-licking is a slippery slope from a beheading…

    I do agree though, that unsolicited touching/licking for the purpose of arousal should be illegal. Now if we can just outlaw political buttkissing.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    ugh. as long as tarantino doesn’t direct the damn flick. we already got half an hours worth of umas feet from him. ugh ugh ugh

  • Eric Olsen

    that was peculiar

  • Shark

    Dirt: “…I support the anti-toe-licking law. Here in the US, I think toe licking would qualify as assault…”

    You think John McCain would be the first arrested?

    *Tom, I did it just for you: xxoo [winky!]

  • twebb1

    i love sucking womens toes

  • Footman4 Females

    Hi i like female feet but i think toe sucking is not an offense and as long as it doesn’t lead to anything serious like rape he should be excused with simple appoligies.