It has taken me thirty-some years to figure out what I want to do with my life, and now they have to go and shoot my dreams down: Proposed Dutch Law Would Ban Unsolicited Toe-Licking. From the article:
- A police spokesman said Friday a man had been detained after women sunning themselves in Rotterdam’s parks and beaches claimed he had snuck up on them and begun to lick their toes.
“The officers had to let him go. Licking a stranger’s toes is rather unusual but there is really nothing criminal about it,” the spokesman said.
Dutch press reports said the man, who is about 35, had been licking the toes of strangers for about three years but was only recently caught by police.
That could make for an excellent movie. I’m thinking it could be something like the head-crusher guy from Kids in the Hall meets Eraserhead meets Jaws meets Doctor Detroit. I’m seeing all kinds of possibilities:
- Sound: theme music from Jaws
Close-up: beady eyes of crazed toe-licker
Zoom out: The toe-licker (played by Jim Carrey) hiding in some bushes wearing a yellow t-shirt with a smiley face on it (or maybe a Rolling Stones lips and tongue image?)
Close-up: Ten innocent, easy-going toes illuminated by the sun and minding their own business
Zoom out: Camera swoops from toes up toward head of the person, revealing a full-body aerial screen shot of a bikini sunbather (trouble will be to find great actress who has nice toes–Charlize Theron?)
Jaws music heightens
Shot of toe-licker zigzagging from bush to tree as he narrows in on target (possible tip-toe sound effect from Loony Toons)
Switch back several times between slow-motion shot of toe-licker licking and savoring the victim’s toes and slow motion shot of guy (played be actor who was the Lead biker from Any Which Way But Loose) eating individually-cut sloppy barbeque ribs (Jim Carrey could totally pull off Academy Award levels of toe-licking acting)
End shot of toe licker running away (nobody else in frame), crazy-laughing under breath, loping like a cross between Igor and Rodney Dangerfield, as we hear Nancy Kerrigan-style cries of “Why me?”
It could be a comic-book style movie with super heroes sworn to protecting fetishized objects and body parts from villains who defile them with their fetishistic impulses. Here we could feature Toe Man (Toe Jam Man? I’m struggling for a cool name for this super hero. Digit Man? Little Piggy Man? I’ll work on it) in his attempts to thwart Toe-Licker Man (Toe Jam Flosser? Slobber Fiend? Needs work. . .).
I’m no toe fetishist, but the twisted side of me wants to hear toe-licker man’s stories. What made him become a toe-licker? Do all toes taste the same? Any toe-jam horror stories? What are the daily mental struggles of a toe-licker like?
Seriously, the toe-licking fetish could turn into something much worse (rape? Jeffrey Dahmer?). I support the anti-toe-licking law. Here in the US, I think toe licking would qualify as assault (which I think is basically any unwanted touching).