Home / Tim Couch: Young Frankenstein Or Weird Science?

Tim Couch: Young Frankenstein Or Weird Science?

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Somebody better warn Gene Hackman to bolt the doors and lock his windows, folks – because The Transylvania Times-Herald is reporting (from this Fisher-Price computer) that "Frankencouch" is storming the steroids countryside (and looking to toss any upstart bloggers down the well, as well – Zoinks!).

Oh, Tim Couch, what has become of you? The former "cautionary tale" from the "new" Cleveland Browns has now been allegedly linked to steroids, according to Yahoo! News.

And, to add insult to injury, the casting Couch has recently been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars in another futile attempt at an NFL comeback.

You kind of have to feel sorry for the guy, though, because the Cleveland organization (at the time) was partly (mostly) responsible for turning this former franchise quarterback into "Hamburger Helper" during his sad stint with the Browns.

Still, you cannot blame Couch for doing anything within his means to rejuvenate his career with the NFL – but the stuff he has been accused of sounds downright spooky (if not unethical).  And, hey, you cannot take the torches to the castle, so to speak, with Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa – while simply letting Couch sit out on the curb.

Sure, I have used “supplements” to gain any advantage over my sassy Bowling Green State  University counterparts here at Blogcritics Magazine – but unlike the NFL, I’m not sure how much the SPJ (Society of Professional Journalists) “frowns upon” the use of “MGD” – as opposed to HGH – in regards to pseudo-sports journalism. (Sigh, maybe The Church of Scientology will embrace me instead, huh?  I'm kidding!  Please don't contact me, whack-jobs!)

Regardless, perhaps “Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T” would have been a better approach (on both counts).  But, all crocodile tears aside, I always wanted Tim Couch to succeed with the Cleveland Browns in the NFL – nothing “Abby Normal” about that, right?

The Couch won some great games behind an offensive line that would, quite frankly, make Swiss cheese blush here in Cleveland. While people were crying for Ricky Williams in their Browns’ backfield, the “bride of Mike Ditka” was too busy munching on Cool Ranch Doritos for the New Orleans Saints (Um, if my short-term memory serves me correctly).

Regardless of the circumstances (and the zipper-neck outcome), you simply cannot condone using steroids to boost your chances of a comeback in the NFL, no matter how much the Cleveland Browns were to blame for turning Tim Couch into a mosh-pit monster. No “ifs,” “ands” or “grunts."

"If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits? (Take it, Peter Boyle!) Puttin' on the ritz! Different types who wear a daycoat, pants with stripes and cutaway coats, perfect fits …Puttin' on the ritz!"

So, now, Tim Couch is left to wander the bleak, gray countryside – in search of a place to call home. But, hey, maybe some NFL-equivalent of “Frau Blücher” will play their violin to soothe the savage beast – and sign Couch to a short-term contract (if the steroids don’t stick, you must acquit – right, Mr. Bonds?).

Hey, it worked for this “monster” (In my defense, I’m just misunderstood). The fine folks here at Blogcritics Magazine played some “Foo Fighters” from inside their castle walls – and it got me to come in from the cold. And, to this date, I am rather proud to admit (pats self on back) that I have yet to fly into a maniacal rage and strangle any unsuspecting editors in the sports department… yet.

Unfortunately, it looks like this is the end of the line for Tim Couch in the NFL – and that’s really too bad. This guy always deserved a “better shake” than the angry mob here in Cleveland was willing to give him.

This Hunchback of Notre Dame has used his grotesque deformity (namely, sarcasm) to his advantage – maybe the much-maligned Tim Couch has another trick up his jersey sleeve, as well.

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About Chris McVetta

Chris McVetta is a writer and comedian from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a graduate from Cleveland State University and an alumni of The Second City comedy writing program. His first job in journalism was as an Editorial Assistant working with Harvey Pekar ("American Splendor") at The Free Times. Most recently, his was invited to speak at the Ray Browne conference on Pop Culture at Bowling Green State University.
  • And, just like Homer Simpson, I strangle with love!

  • Igor

    Anyone notice how Notre Dame is doing without Brady Quinn as quarterback?

    Maybe the Browns and Romeo Crennel should take notice too how this guy can carry a team on his (hunch) back.

    This is not your Dr. Frankenstein’s monster!