Here's why I absolutely cannot wait for Tiger Woods' eventual return to golf tournaments.
It doesn't matter how he handled the situation with a makeshift press conference Friday morning. Nor is it relevant he's sorry, sincere, contrite, or extremely horny. They're all inconsequential sports radio banter catalysts, because athletes are ultimately redeemed when they return to competition and win fairly. In a game (and world) of uncertainties, Tiger Woods seems to make this almost a 100 percent guarantee. So this is the real anticipation everyone wants to see.
But one should also be conscious and giddy about the how fans in attendance will heckle the ever-loving shit out of him.
I'm not talking about expletives or pejoratives that will get one thrown out and/or detained, since nobody should desire to witness that. Instead, I'm referring to the ultimately hilarious caliber of instigation by those who are of similar mind as the hecklers of Alex Rodriguez:
Or of Kobe Bryant:
Or of Barry Bonds:
Simplicity, elegance, and brilliance. That is the key. And that is what's necessary.
Nobody's quite sure when Tiger will be playing golf again. I'll go with the Masters, which isn't for a couple months. Assuming that tournament begins his comeback tour, that is still oodles of time for our brightest detractors to concoct some a heckling routine unlike any other.
Naturally, just showing up dressed as a Perkins waitress might work. After all, perhaps the fan just got off their shift and wanted to catch the back nine! Holding up a Rorschach inkblot of something he may see in sex rehab? No, that's probably too obscure and needs explaining. (And it could be too graphic for TV.) What about, right after he tees off, when everyone is yelling at the top of their lungs, blurt out "WATCH OUT FOR THE HYDRANT!"
Ugh. None of these are perfect. Golf heckling is difficult.