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Tiger, Elin, And A Five Iron: Yawn

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Since the world has been inundated with the news of Tiger Woods’ alleged infidelities, I have to say that I’m completely appalled and fear for our survival as a nation.

Wow, am I really taking the news that Tiger Woods is actually a human being and not the (insert your well paying sponsor here) endorsed robot we all thought he was that hard? Actually, I’m just shocked that in the year 2009 TMZ that anyone alive actually cares about this. Is it possible to just release all of the tawdry emails, texts, tweets, and hopefully lurid, poorly filmed sex tapes and get this over with already?

You know who I feel sorry for? The SUV. Around 50% of those happy couples in wedding photos wind up getting divorced, and it’s always the car that winds up getting whacked with the golf club. Yes, if you ask me why my tears are being shed, it’s because of the damage done not to the Woods’ elaborate sham of a marriage, but to the damage done to that completely innocent Cadillac Escalade.

We’re currently embroiled in at least two wars that we know of, and our finest journalists are in all likelihood doing their best to determine exactly what club Sweden’s most successful ex-nanny used in an attempt to batter in her husband’s Nike Swoosh embossed dome.

Joy Behar: Allegedly Elin went after Tiger with a five iron, what do you think about that choice girls?

Whoopi Goldberg: Look, I’ve been in Elin’s shoes before and I have to tell you that when you are that angry with your man, you usually just grab the first club that is in reach. Having said that, I would have either gone for the 3 wood, which would have given her more distance, or the putter, because everyone knows that the putter contains the heaviest concentration of steel battering power in the entire bag.

If I’m supposed to believe Internet postings (and what could be more sane and logical than those?), there are millions of children across the country weeping at yet another hero that has let them down. Rubbish. It’s not 14-year-old kids that worship Tiger Woods, it’s well paid, middle-aged, white guys. The guys who play golf to get away from their wives. The guys who know everything there is to know about infidelity.

Tiger Woods is not a hero. Nelson Mandela was a hero. Martin Luther King was a hero. Jackie Robinson was a hero. Tiger Woods was the guy who turned down Bill Clinton’s invitation to honor Robinson after he won his first Masters.

Tiger Woods isn’t even really a golfer. Woods currently is believed to be worth about a billion dollars. Of that billion, less than $100 million, or about one tenth of his worth, has come from actually playing golf. Now $100 mil is nothing to sneeze at, but when you follow the money, it turns out that Tiger isn’t really a golfer at all, he’s a product endorser.

Sirius Radio has aired some television commercials recently that laud Michael Jordan for changing the face of sports, and he did, but he didn’t do it with his dunks; he didn’t do it with his defense or his crossover dribble or his passion for winning. Michael Jordan changed the landscape of sports forever by making it all about the endorsement Benjamins.

Remember the days of Muhammad Ali risking his career and nearly going broke by opposing the Vietnam War? Remember Tommy Smith and John Carlos becoming public enemy numbers 1 and 2 with their gloved Black Power salute at the 1968 Summer Olympics? Those guys didn’t get endorsements, they nearly got lynched (To be fair – had they been lynched, I’m sure that Coors or some other racist corporation would have gladly provided complementary beverages).

In order to be a skilled product endorser like Tiger Woods, you need to be as bland and as boring as possible. Woods may be a Cablinasian, but inside he’s as green as a freshly printed $100 bill. Charles Barkley provides more colorful entertainment in one night on the town than Woods has in his entire career.

You’d think that having close to a billion dollars would free a man up to speak his mind, show a little joy, even perhaps have an opinion on something more relevant than exactly what shade of red shirt he will wear at his next major tournament.

Last time I checked Tiger Woods seemingly has no opinion on anything. If he’s really upset about something, it isn’t the strife in the Middle East or the fight against poverty and homelessness. When Tiger really gets out of his mind, it’s usually about the putting conditions or the fact that the tournament officials wanted him to play a little faster.

Tiger Woods is like hotel art. He’s there to do everything he can not to be offensive, because that’s how the second billion dollars is going to come in and we all know that it’s pretty damn hard to survive on just one billion dollars these days.

Yes, the fact that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife is actually the first sign that he’s a living, breathing human and not some putting, cyber droid conceived on the planet Andera.

Now, on to the apparent infidelity, I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend in my life, but then again I’m always incredibly lucky to have a girlfriend in the first place. Like Chris Rock said, “Men are essentially as faithful as their options.” In the case of Tiger Woods, his options probably make Hugh Hefner jealous.

Poor Elin. I for one was completely taken in by this relationship. I thought it was all about true love. The fact that Elin looks exactly like the superwomen Adolf Hitler and his bunch dreamed of genetically creating in a lab couldn’t possibly be what drew Tiger to her in the first place. Tiger and Elin were in love.

I’m completely convinced that had Tiger Woods not been a billionaire golfer/product endorser that these two were still destined to fall for each other.
I see the scenario like this. In an alternate reality, Tiger Woods is a parking valet at Augusta National. One day, Elin, who is dating Sergio Garcia, hands the keys to the Jaguar Sergio bought for her over to Tiger, who is nonetheless still somehow wearing a bright red Nike shirt. They start talking and instantly realize that they just have to be together, that this was a love fated in the stars, never to be tainted by money, sexual infidelities or the gossip endemic in a gated community. Elin, sadly tells Sergio that she finally understands what real love is, and he tearfully wishes her the best. He even refuses to let his heartbreak stop him from tipping Tiger on his way out of the parking lot.

Rubbish. You know who’s in love with his wife? Prince Charles and that ugly hag he cheated on Princess Di with. That’s true love. That’s a household where you can leave the golf clubs lying around and have nothing to worry about.

Stop crying over the Tiger Woods posters that you bought your seven year old, and wake up to the real world. Men love vagina. Women love babies and cash. I’m guessing that before these two got married in the most romantic ritual ever not filmed for a made for TV movie, that Elin was fulfilling every sexual need Tiger Woods could bear to think up. Something tells me that two kids and a gigantic diamond ring later, things weren’t exactly the same.

Hot women have the same problem that star athletes have. They eventually age. They eventually lose about ten yards off the tee. Now Tiger, he can retire and continue to pitch cars, sports drinks, and bright red golf shirts. Elin, she isn’t so lucky. No matter how good she still looks, she’s got to compete with the endless horde of hot women still willing to bend their legs behind their neck every night to hop aboard the billion dollar, Tiger Woods money train. Even if Elin is somehow still the hottest girl on the planet, she still needs to compete with variety. I’m guessing that Tiger didn’t hook up with an 18-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs because she was the first woman that truly understood his angst and insecurities.

Men have sex drives and it makes them completely insane. Even George Clooney has probably had a few nights where he was so sexually crazy that he had impure thoughts about that pet pig of his. Someone needs to ask Kirk Cameron why God created us this way, because it’s a sad, ugly, and true fact of life.

I once had a friend who broke up with a girl who looked just like Elin. Not only was she gorgeous, but she was smart, fun, and devoted. I was aghast at his decision as he tried to explain to me what it was like to have sex with the same girl for the 1200th time after you’d shared every conceivable thought in your head with her.

I was still aghast, but that’s me – endlessly romantic, broke and alone. Something that Tiger and Elin will never really have to worry about.

Two things can happen from here.

1. Elin can do her best to leave Tiger behind and take him for as much of his endorsement millions as she can as a nation of cheering women applaud her for not standing by her cheating, no good, man.

2. Elin follows the path of two of the most respected women of our time – Jacqueline Kennedy and Hilary Clinton – makes her second pact with the devil and looks away for the next 40 years, proud to be the one that her man eventually comes home to.

Either way, it’s not really news, and America’s fascination over it shows just what a brainless, horde of easily titillated idiots we all are. Wake up America. Stop peering at TMZ. Cancel your subscription to People Magazine. Get a life!

PS: Ron Howard has been married to the same woman for over 34 years. She was his high school sweetheart and he’s supposedly never had sex with another woman. When “Little Opie Cunningham” is photographed in an opium den with three scantily clad women, that’s the time to wake me up. Tiger Woods? It’s like you people didn’t expect the sun to rise today.

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About Brad Laidman

  • A timely article and good observations on the state of the nation. The fact that we have such idols, any idols, only tells about us as the people.

    Perhaps you should have posted in the politics section rather than sports.

  • Because the sports section can’t possibly provide anything of worth! Fuck those jocks, amiright, Roger?

  • You guys are surely sensitive. This wasn’t meant as a dig.

  • I can’t think of any other reason why someone would suggest that a sports article about sports people belongs in the politics section. It’s either incredibly condescending or remarkably asinine.

  • Rawr!

    Hilarious article, Brad. Well done, sir!

  • What’s really asinine, Sussman, is that in your utter devotion to your purported profession, you fail to realize this article is not about golf or sports in general but more a social commentary. So yes, you are being incredibly thin-skinned to take any kind of offense.

  • “this article is not about golf or sports in general but more a social commentary…”

    …About sports.

    Condescending it is then! Me like ball go through net.

  • So do I, but there’s time for sports and there’s time for other things. So go ahead and watch the circus while Rome burns.

  • gawd, this is some cynical stuff.

  • Yeah, all this “idol worshipping” is pathetic. I like Kirk Cameron, however, I don’t think he has all the answers. And this article would be good in sports and culture. Lastly, it goes to show you that all married people should keep their “woods” at home…adultery isn’t good for anyone, except for the ‘tabloids’. Good article Brad.

  • And why shouldn’t it be? Somehow, I can’t get excited of late about the Yankees or the Titans or the Celtics.

    Times must have changed.

  • The amazing thing is, how the authorities are handling the affair with kid’s gloves. Tiger is surely an idol.

  • Boeke

    Good article. Funny and pertinent!

  • “Pertinent” is the key word, Sussman. Take note.

  • [crosses out “put articles pertinent to sports in sports”]
    [writes “put articles pertinent to Roger’s interests in politics”]

    Oh, almost forgot!

    [writes “buy hemorrhoid cream”]

  • OK, Sussman. Your argumentative skills match Ruvy’s and I gracefully or less gracefully withdraw.

    I know when I’ve been beaten, and true to the spirit of sportsmanship, I concede. There’s nothing worse than a bad loser, and I’m willing to live by that adage.

  • Matt are having bowel problems? lol

  • Look at how this whole thing has devolved. Tiger had affairs. His wife was pissed. Now Tiger has to give his wife millions of dollars to preserve his image. The cable news networks, radio talk show hosts and the tabloids are having a collective grand orgasm.

    And this affects us as a society… how? Oh, because Tiger Woods’ story is so compelling; a saga of father-son devotion and the fact that he’s, um, a minority? Role models aren’t manufactured and packaged by Madison Avenue, folks. They’re people like you — the nurse who works in pediatrics who has to hold the hand of a kid dying of leukemia while providing comfort to the grieving parents. It’s about the father who goes home exhausted after work but still takes the time to sit down with his kids and listen to what’s happening in their lives and share experiences about life. It’s about the Russian grandmother who after all her years of struggles comes to the United States and takes care of her grand babies while her children are out working to make enough money to keep food on the table, a roof over their heads and have a little extra to send back home to those who need it more. These people are role models, not Tiger Fucking Woods.

  • But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it’s got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies.

  • Why would this go in politics? It’s more about culture than it is about sports but Tiger is a straight male and Jet didn’t write it

  • But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it’s got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies.

    “none of us”, Roger? There is enough condescension in your comments, here and elsewhere, to supply ten years worth of arrogant Hahvahd grads – who don’t know jack shit – you know, like the kind of prick who is sitting in the White House right now, with a third of his mind on who he is going to screw on the side so Michelle doesn’t take a butcher’s knife to his balls.

    Speak for yourself, sir. Maybe your life isn’t real. But mine is. And those of my neighbors are. And there is enough drama going on in this little village of 500 to pale the tabloids and the stupid shits who write for cable – and even idiots like Foucault and Arendt.

    Oh, and BTW, Matt Sussman doesn’t argue like me at all. He’ll take a few very well aimed pot shots at you and make them stick. I’d prefer to wipe the floor with your remarks. I may not get a clean floor – but I’ll have a lot of fun.

  • Jordan Richardson

    As “real” as your life is, Ruvy, you still somehow manage to find time to shoot the breeze with the likes of us, the Great Unwashed. I’m amazed, really.

    You’re talented (for a bitter fossil, of course).

  • “But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it’s got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies.”

    Ruvy may be a competent Hebrew speaker, but he had clearly missed the boat on this one. “None of us” doesn’t function here in the all-inclusive sense attributed to it.

    You’re right, El Bicho. Culture would be a better fit. But we don’t know yet whether Tiger is “straight,” so Jet may yet have a field day, which we shall all enjoy.

  • Trust me, Roger, Tiger is straight. Straight sexual indiscretions somehow fly under the radar until an opportune time. Gay indiscretions are punishable by character assassinations, or if Coburn Ensign and the Far Right had their way — death. And I don’t make these charges lightly. Do your research on how these pieces of political dog dung and their Christian counterparts are funding and supporting the advance of a law making homosexuality punishable by death in Uganda.

    Again, Tiger never should have been a role model. And, thank God, he’s fallen from the pedestal but not that far. After all, all he did was allegedly boink a female or two or a dozen. In C Street circles they can justify his indiscretions by having him come out and proclaim the Good News of the Lord. Then he will be a soldier of Christ and exempt from the laws that bind the rest of us heathens. The bottom line is that role models exist in our own backyards — they even exist within the confines of your homes. We don’t need Tiger Woods to be a role model. He’s a damned golfer. I’ll go one better. In my mind Ruvy is a role model — not for his views but for his passion. Passion is what’s missing in our lives.

  • Can’t take that away from Ruvy, though there is a very fine line, I’d say, between passion and fanaticism. Something which needs elucidating.

    As to Tiger’s sexual orientation, I was only trying to whet Jet’s appetite.

  • I’m not all that certain, however, that Sussman would appreciate being lumped with the likes of Ruvy.

  • I wonder if Tiger is even Jet’s type. Nevertheless, I digress. You’re right, Roger, there is a fine line between passion and fanaticism. That being said, it is refreshing, in a perverse sort of way, to at least see there are humans beings who are passionate on some level.

  • zingzing

    sussman woke up pissed off at something. and ruvy somehow managed to turn this sports article into a political article into a jewish thing all by taking words out of context! fantastic.

    anyway, the only thing interesting, or surprising about tiger’s mess is just how ridiculous it’s getting. lies, golf clubs, accidents, hospitals, police, voice mails, text messages, lawyers and women coming out of the woodwork… for someone who had his media image so tightly wrapped for so long, that shit sure did explode.

  • Yes, a fit subject for another best seller, perhaps a la OJ although not quite that gory.

  • Well, I urge Tiger to find Jesus and then go out and preach confessing his sins of infidelity to be the work of Satan. The Reverend Senator Ensign or the High Bishop Senator Coburn can counsel him and tell him it is perfectly alright to go out and sow his seed among heathen women because he is doing the work of Jesus. Don’t worry, Tiger baby, you ARE saved. Just don’t get caught with your pants down in a men’s room stall. Then you’ll get pout to death.

  • Nice thought, Silas. But unless Nike et al decide to cut him off, I’m afraid that money shall remain his one and only idol, and he ours.

    Perhaps that’s why he thought he was privileged. Only a few can handle success.

  • The Tiger saga.

  • Not A Golfer Either

    “Tiger Woods isn’t even really a golfer.”

    WTF, serious?? Ha, based on conclusions like that, the rest of this article is nonsense. Why do you think he HAS endorsements???

  • He has endorsements and has become a living legend because he broke the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant golf barrier. Sure, he’s a great golfer. But his history with his father coupled with the obvious achievements of breaking the racial divide made for such a compelling, heart-warming human interest story. We Americans are sappy when it comes to these matters. We don’t want to deal with the reality of what is. Instead we refer to Tiger and say, “see he could do it, so why can’t you?” Or we refer to Obama and say, “my how far we’ve evolved, we elected a Black President.” Bottom line is neither Tiger or Barack are 100% African. But their shade of skin makes it easy to assume. Amidst all the Tiger worship, Tiger emerged as a flawed human. So what? He still plays a mean game of golf. And who says a man has to be a pillar of morality and virtue because he plays golf?

  • David Woodstock

    “He has endorsements and has become a living legend because he broke the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant golf barrier.”

    No. That’s superficially insightful. You must not follow golf at all. What he has accomplished as a golfer really is not of this world. His fame is mostly about that and has little to do with his ethnicity.

    “Bottom line is neither Tiger or Barack are 100% African. But their shade of skin makes it easy to assume.”

    I think this misses the point. For those inclined to attach significance to skin color – positive, negative, sympathetic, whatever – both Tiger and Barack are black. The fact of their mixed ethnicity is very much secondary.

  • Danny Groveman

    It was indeed a very well written article, but like the person whom you are assassinating, it shows zero understanding of humanity, or compassion. You like most are taking the opportunity to exult over his mistakes, and misfortune. You hold his millions against him. It is also very obvious that you followed Tiger from afar, and got your “impressions” of him from mainstream media. Like it or not, Tiger Woods was a role model, and gave of himself to more than just endorsements. I hope people are more fair with you, when you are evaluated. Your article was snide, and condescending and most of it unwarranted. We humans seemingly enjoy building up an “idol” and then watching it fall, and then enjoy the body being torn to pieces. Infidelity, duplicity, and hypocrisy is not foreign to most ofu us in this day and age. People are understandably confounded by someone who has been gifted, talented, and blessed by every conceivable goal that people seek after, — money, power, family, success, that they have a need to find some reason behind it. Look no further than one’s own heart. We are all flawed, sinful, and needing of God’s mercy. Until someone has the courage, faith, humility and boldness to share with Tiger about God’s redemption offered at the cross, there will be no good ending to this tragedy. May God have mercy on Tiger, and all of us who are experiencing it.

  • Interesting comments, Danny. But one point you fail to mention is the extent to which success, money, and fame can corrupt even the best of us. As I stated earlier, there is a similarity here with the O.J. story. Both fell victim to success.

  • brad laidman

    oh please – tiger just cheated on his wife he didnt kill her

  • Yeah, but Obama’s reaction to the whole thing was the most shocking. Click.

  • British reports indicate tabloids are coming out with affair #’s 4, 5 & 6! And, rumor has it, Tiger likes Ambien Sex! Well, if Nike drops him, the pharmaceuticals will pick him up faster than a transsexual hooker on Eddie Murphy’s corner. I still don’t care about the whole mess but have to say I am mildly shocked the entire Tiger Woods’ golden boy story if filled with more holes than a window screen.

  • if = is above

    Until someone has the courage, faith, humility and boldness to share with Tiger about God’s redemption offered at the cross, there will be no good ending to this tragedy.

    The boys at C Street will assist in Tiger’s redemption. And, when all is said and done, as long as Tiger proclaims Christ as his personal emissary, he’ll be allowed any marital infidelity he so chooses. That’s the benefit of membership in C Street’s God Army.

  • I like your take on this, Silas. Utter cynicism is the most proper attitude. The quicker we build ’em up, the quicker they fall.

    That’s what success, American style, will do to you. It can turn an altar boy into a serial killer. Somewhat of a stretch, but something to think about.

  • Ah yes, the altar boy turned into the serial killer syndrome. Kindda like Rick Warren sending money and supporting Ugandan Evangelicals who advocate making homosexuality a capital crime. So, the boys of C Street, you know the ones Senators Ensign and Coburn, Governor Sanford, Congressman Bart Stupak. They all support homocide. And, in the meantime, Tiger has fallen from the perch of morality and exposed as just another guy with a “healthy” libido. I see Jesus in Tiger’s future and, once again, we’ll buy it hook, line and sinker.

  • I see where you’re going with this now, Silas. Tiger will become the Republican paragon of virtue, once he confesses his sins and repents. And everyone will be happy forever after.

  • It’s sad, Roger. But is it unrealistic? The little colored boy broke the WASP barrier in golf. Then the little black boy caught caught with his pants down. So now he’ll have to embrace da man and beg forgiveness and proclaim redemption. He’ll discover Jesus and that His spilled blood forgives him for all his indiscretions. Of course, Tiger will have to give up Ambien and may have to tithe a little bit. But one small religious donation from man, one giant public relations victory for Madison Avenue. We are such a simple people.

  • Yes, it does look like these are the limited options. Along these line, perhaps it’s a good thing we’re undergoing severe economic and political crisis. It may yet brings us as people down to earth.

    The funny thing is, the sports and entertainment industries are going stronger than ever – in providing the needed diversion. You should hear the sports announcers practically going berserk and out of their mind with every basket scored and every touchdown. It’s too real to think they’re feigning it. Perhaps they realize that soon time will come when the American people will start regarding such trivialities as irrelevant and superfluous to real lives that have to be lived.

  • Well, Tiger fans, perhaps you should acquaint yourselves with the Tiger Woods Dubai Golf Resort. If we’re going to place Tiger’s genitalia under a microscope, we might as well place our sphincters under the same microscope because it looks like we’ve been getting duped all these years.