Since the world has been inundated with the news of Tiger Woods’ alleged infidelities, I have to say that I’m completely appalled and fear for our survival as a nation.
Wow, am I really taking the news that Tiger Woods is actually a human being and not the (insert your well paying sponsor here) endorsed robot we all thought he was that hard? Actually, I’m just shocked that in the year 2009 TMZ that anyone alive actually cares about this. Is it possible to just release all of the tawdry emails, texts, tweets, and hopefully lurid, poorly filmed sex tapes and get this over with already?
You know who I feel sorry for? The SUV. Around 50% of those happy couples in wedding photos wind up getting divorced, and it’s always the car that winds up getting whacked with the golf club. Yes, if you ask me why my tears are being shed, it’s because of the damage done not to the Woods’ elaborate sham of a marriage, but to the damage done to that completely innocent Cadillac Escalade.
We’re currently embroiled in at least two wars that we know of, and our finest journalists are in all likelihood doing their best to determine exactly what club Sweden’s most successful ex-nanny used in an attempt to batter in her husband’s Nike Swoosh embossed dome.
Joy Behar: Allegedly Elin went after Tiger with a five iron, what do you think about that choice girls?
Whoopi Goldberg: Look, I’ve been in Elin’s shoes before and I have to tell you that when you are that angry with your man, you usually just grab the first club that is in reach. Having said that, I would have either gone for the 3 wood, which would have given her more distance, or the putter, because everyone knows that the putter contains the heaviest concentration of steel battering power in the entire bag.
If I’m supposed to believe Internet postings (and what could be more sane and logical than those?), there are millions of children across the country weeping at yet another hero that has let them down. Rubbish. It’s not 14-year-old kids that worship Tiger Woods, it’s well paid, middle-aged, white guys. The guys who play golf to get away from their wives. The guys who know everything there is to know about infidelity.
Tiger Woods is not a hero. Nelson Mandela was a hero. Martin Luther King was a hero. Jackie Robinson was a hero. Tiger Woods was the guy who turned down Bill Clinton’s invitation to honor Robinson after he won his first Masters.
Tiger Woods isn’t even really a golfer. Woods currently is believed to be worth about a billion dollars. Of that billion, less than $100 million, or about one tenth of his worth, has come from actually playing golf. Now $100 mil is nothing to sneeze at, but when you follow the money, it turns out that Tiger isn’t really a golfer at all, he’s a product endorser.
Sirius Radio has aired some television commercials recently that laud Michael Jordan for changing the face of sports, and he did, but he didn’t do it with his dunks; he didn’t do it with his defense or his crossover dribble or his passion for winning. Michael Jordan changed the landscape of sports forever by making it all about the endorsement Benjamins.
Remember the days of Muhammad Ali risking his career and nearly going broke by opposing the Vietnam War? Remember Tommy Smith and John Carlos becoming public enemy numbers 1 and 2 with their gloved Black Power salute at the 1968 Summer Olympics? Those guys didn’t get endorsements, they nearly got lynched (To be fair – had they been lynched, I’m sure that Coors or some other racist corporation would have gladly provided complementary beverages).
In order to be a skilled product endorser like Tiger Woods, you need to be as bland and as boring as possible. Woods may be a Cablinasian, but inside he’s as green as a freshly printed $100 bill. Charles Barkley provides more colorful entertainment in one night on the town than Woods has in his entire career.
You’d think that having close to a billion dollars would free a man up to speak his mind, show a little joy, even perhaps have an opinion on something more relevant than exactly what shade of red shirt he will wear at his next major tournament.
Last time I checked Tiger Woods seemingly has no opinion on anything. If he’s really upset about something, it isn’t the strife in the Middle East or the fight against poverty and homelessness. When Tiger really gets out of his mind, it’s usually about the putting conditions or the fact that the tournament officials wanted him to play a little faster.
Tiger Woods is like hotel art. He’s there to do everything he can not to be offensive, because that’s how the second billion dollars is going to come in and we all know that it’s pretty damn hard to survive on just one billion dollars these days.
Yes, the fact that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife is actually the first sign that he’s a living, breathing human and not some putting, cyber droid conceived on the planet Andera.
Now, on to the apparent infidelity, I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend in my life, but then again I’m always incredibly lucky to have a girlfriend in the first place. Like Chris Rock said, “Men are essentially as faithful as their options.” In the case of Tiger Woods, his options probably make Hugh Hefner jealous.
Poor Elin. I for one was completely taken in by this relationship. I thought it was all about true love. The fact that Elin looks exactly like the superwomen Adolf Hitler and his bunch dreamed of genetically creating in a lab couldn’t possibly be what drew Tiger to her in the first place. Tiger and Elin were in love.
I’m completely convinced that had Tiger Woods not been a billionaire golfer/product endorser that these two were still destined to fall for each other.
I see the scenario like this. In an alternate reality, Tiger Woods is a parking valet at Augusta National. One day, Elin, who is dating Sergio Garcia, hands the keys to the Jaguar Sergio bought for her over to Tiger, who is nonetheless still somehow wearing a bright red Nike shirt. They start talking and instantly realize that they just have to be together, that this was a love fated in the stars, never to be tainted by money, sexual infidelities or the gossip endemic in a gated community. Elin, sadly tells Sergio that she finally understands what real love is, and he tearfully wishes her the best. He even refuses to let his heartbreak stop him from tipping Tiger on his way out of the parking lot.
Rubbish. You know who’s in love with his wife? Prince Charles and that ugly hag he cheated on Princess Di with. That’s true love. That’s a household where you can leave the golf clubs lying around and have nothing to worry about.
Stop crying over the Tiger Woods posters that you bought your seven year old, and wake up to the real world. Men love vagina. Women love babies and cash. I’m guessing that before these two got married in the most romantic ritual ever not filmed for a made for TV movie, that Elin was fulfilling every sexual need Tiger Woods could bear to think up. Something tells me that two kids and a gigantic diamond ring later, things weren’t exactly the same.
Hot women have the same problem that star athletes have. They eventually age. They eventually lose about ten yards off the tee. Now Tiger, he can retire and continue to pitch cars, sports drinks, and bright red golf shirts. Elin, she isn’t so lucky. No matter how good she still looks, she’s got to compete with the endless horde of hot women still willing to bend their legs behind their neck every night to hop aboard the billion dollar, Tiger Woods money train. Even if Elin is somehow still the hottest girl on the planet, she still needs to compete with variety. I’m guessing that Tiger didn’t hook up with an 18-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs because she was the first woman that truly understood his angst and insecurities.
Men have sex drives and it makes them completely insane. Even George Clooney has probably had a few nights where he was so sexually crazy that he had impure thoughts about that pet pig of his. Someone needs to ask Kirk Cameron why God created us this way, because it’s a sad, ugly, and true fact of life.
I once had a friend who broke up with a girl who looked just like Elin. Not only was she gorgeous, but she was smart, fun, and devoted. I was aghast at his decision as he tried to explain to me what it was like to have sex with the same girl for the 1200th time after you’d shared every conceivable thought in your head with her.
I was still aghast, but that’s me – endlessly romantic, broke and alone. Something that Tiger and Elin will never really have to worry about.
Two things can happen from here.
1. Elin can do her best to leave Tiger behind and take him for as much of his endorsement millions as she can as a nation of cheering women applaud her for not standing by her cheating, no good, man.
2. Elin follows the path of two of the most respected women of our time – Jacqueline Kennedy and Hilary Clinton – makes her second pact with the devil and looks away for the next 40 years, proud to be the one that her man eventually comes home to.
Either way, it’s not really news, and America’s fascination over it shows just what a brainless, horde of easily titillated idiots we all are. Wake up America. Stop peering at TMZ. Cancel your subscription to People Magazine. Get a life!
PS: Ron Howard has been married to the same woman for over 34 years. She was his high school sweetheart and he’s supposedly never had sex with another woman. When “Little Opie Cunningham” is photographed in an opium den with three scantily clad women, that’s the time to wake me up. Tiger Woods? It’s like you people didn’t expect the sun to rise today.