I used to love pageants. That’s right. Loved them!! When I was around, oh, eight or nine, they were top of my list. My sister and I would beg to stay up and watch Miss Universe. I can’t say we ever appreciated the finer points of the show. You know, those finer points. I’m sure you can think of some. No, for us it was all about picking favourites. Or ‘bagsing’, as it was referred to in our home. You may have called it something else. (This is not to be confused, of course, with ‘bagging’. If you have been bagging pageant contestants, well… that’s your business.)
We had a similar sisterly ‘bagsing’ game involving the Sears catalogue. We’d go through it and bags an outfit per page. Not that we actually got the clothes we pointed to – it was all about the race to choose. You had to pick fast. It was tense. And if you were too hasty, you ended up with some flashy monstrosity that had caught your eye, but which proved on closer inspection to be not as desirable as it first looked.
Which brings me to last night’s Miss Teen USA on NBC. Coming to you this year from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Town motto? “Our past is your present”. See, TV can be educational! Before yesterday, I didn’t know that.
So I thought I had the pageant formula down pat, but wow, was I surprised! Turns out this one had eight (8) judges. Who knew?! The panel included experts such as the guy who plays Tommy Lee’s roommate on the upcoming NBC reality show Tommy Lee Goes to College. You know you’re scraping close to the bottom of the barrel when you use non-celebrity has-beens from shows that haven’t even aired yet.
But back to the pageant. Here’s a quick re-cap. White teeth. White teeth. Prom-style dress. Blonde. Blonde. White teeth. Chandelier earrings. Blonde. Tan. Tan. Strapless gown.
And that’s all you really need to know. Sure, there were a few unexpected details. Miss Kansas and Miss Oklahoma had suspiciously grapefruit-like boobs. The girls toured an alligator farm, and a biomedical research facility. Miss Michigan aspired to be Secretary of State and had hobbies that included eating sour candy. Miss Ohio – the eventual winner – explained that education was important, because people can tell by looking at you whether you have one. (And they say pageants are shallow! Pshaw!)
We also got to meet last year’s winner, a delightful specimen who told us about the places she’d visited as Miss Teen USA. Like Thailand… and Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo Bay? Yeah, and it was especially fun, because she got to jog with the Marines! Cool!
Now that you mention it, pageants aren’t so different from being tortured and illegally imprisoned without trial in a secretive facility. There’s sleep deprivation. Curfews. Rewards for good behaviour. You’re interrogated on a number of subjects, like world peace and your home state. And then there’s the enforced dress code. I bags the orange jumpsuit!
For the record, I had bagsed Miss Virginia, but she didn’t even make the top five. Next year, darlin’. Our past is your present. And don’t you forget it.
Can’t get enough teletart?
There’s plenty more where this came from.