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This just in: Saddam Hussein is still dead

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Back during the first season of Saturday Night Live Chevy Chase had a recurring bit on the Weekend Update in which he read a news bulletin confirming that the late dictator “Francisco Franco is still dead.” Seems like we’re needing such an item for Saddam Hussein.

Every day of this war, I’m seeing news anchors and pundits speculating on what Saddam’s next move will be. He may be ready to give the orders to use WMDs any time. He’s planning strategery agin us. They keep talking about him like he’s still alive.

Every indication, however, suggests that the rat bastard is good and dead. The first night of the war, we started by hitting HIM personally. They tossed out their original blueprint and went for the decapitation strike because they had quite solid information on where he was. They dropped a pair of 2,000 bunker busters on his dumb ass, and apparently followed that up with maybe as many as two dozen cruise missles. If he was in there, he’s toast. Not scared, not wounded, not hiding. Obliterated. Nobody saw him come out- and we were looking. Nor have we seen either son. Nor have we seen his evil cousin Chemical Ali.

Since then, there has been absolutely no indication that he continues to breathe. None. Not one fresh appearance, not even by videotape. Now you may have to allow for possibilities of unpredictable behavior: he was a wily SOB. However, if he were still alive, it would be critically important to make this known to his own henchmen in order to let them know that he was still around, less they get ideas of jumping the sinking ship. Plus, he’d be needing to command his army. No one particularly seems to be running such military as he left. There’s no sign of him even on cell phone, apparently.

Now I understand that the military has to work with the assumption that the guy could conceivably just be hiding. They must account for this contingency. However, that doesn’t mean that it is likely.

I can understand how we’re all having a bit of trouble wrapping our minds around the fairly likely fact of Saddam’s demise. He was such a survivor. Plus, he was the very image of the devil made flesh in this generation. Also, his image still lives omnipresent on video.

He was not a literal demon, however. He was merely a very evil 65 year old mortal man. He’s not Freddy Kreuger, who comes to you in dreams and can’t be really permanently killed no matter what.

One big-assed bomb dropped on his head means he’s dead, and dead forever. The End. Roll credits.

I’ve been holding off on celebrating his demise, waiting for official confirmation. Thinking about it, he hit my superstition buttons enough that I’ve been half-afraid of “jinxing” it by just stating the obvious without official confirmation. However, that may not come. I wouldn’t think there’d be much left for them to find. Two tons worth of bunker busters and a couple dozen cruise missles might not have left much of a body to find. Much like the apparently late UBL.

Anyway, I know how I’m going to celebrate his demise. South Park, naturally. The South Park movie features the recently deceased Saddam Hussein going to hell to become Satan’s homosexual lover. I’ll be relishing their hellish pillow talk, and the results when even his long-suffering lover gets tired of Saddam’s dumb ass. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

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