A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:
Suss: In technical awards given out before the Treehouse Fort podcast: For best supporting hipster In a recurring role: Alex Gordon in The Hurt Royal.
Tuffy: For the best stress test for an 87-year-old woman this year, the award went to the Chicago Bears free agency period. Virginia McCaskey, Bears owner, could not attend as she was still a bit faint. Accepting on her behalf was Julius Peppers, who then melted down the statuette in the slim hope it was made of actual precious metals.
Suss: For best makeup: Texas Tech’s Jordan Barncastle in Up In Brittney Griner’s Face
Tuffy: For the best imitation of a University of North Carolina basketball team, the award went to the University of North Carolina. Roy Williams then encouraged the award to transfer to another school for its own good.
Tuffy: Finally, best slap fight went to the Indiana Pacers and Phoenix Suns for their ticklefest during Saturday’s game. No one accepted the award, however, as everyone was frightened to leave their chairs and receive a suspension from the league.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Golfer John Daly, for publishing a journalist’s phone number on Twitter
Baylor women’s basketball player Brittney Griner, for punching a Texas Tech player in the face during a game and getting suspended two games
Sportswriter Gil LeBreton, for comparing the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games to the Hitler-ruled Berlin 1936 games
ESPN’s Bill Simmons, for saying Tiger’s inevitable comeback to golf is tougher than Ali’s boxing comeback in 1970
USA Hockey fan Joseph Lafleur, after the gold medal hockey game, for angrily kicking a restaurant bench through a window where cops where having lunch
Texas A&M-Commerce football coach Guy Morriss, who said he was proud that his football players stole several copies of the campus newspaper