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THF: Tiger Woods Is The Next Hammurabi

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This week on the Treehouse Fort:

Suss: The first weekend of the NCAA tournament saw losses by top-seeded Kansas, 2-seeded Villanova, and 3-seeds Georgetown and New Mexico. After their losses, players tearfully lamented their early tournament exit but quickly perked up once learning they can finally declare for the NBA Draft sooner than expected.

Tuffy: The NCAA is proud to announce a new sponsor of the Sweet Sixteen next weekend. In honor of the high numbers participating, the third round of the NCAA tourney will be renamed the Lane Bryant Invitational.

Suss: Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington told Sports Illustrated that he tested positive for cocaine last season. Washington knew he had a problem when, anytime he itched his nose, Elvis Andrus was caught stealing second.

Tuffy: Michael Jordan took over as owner of the Charlotte Bobcats this week, becoming the first owner of an NBA franchise to be a former player. Asked how he would become more involved with the team, Jordan replied that he would have someone record both home and away games for him next season.

Suss: Oregon athletic director and former head football coach Mike Bellotti will resign from his position to become a college football analyst on ESPN. The move will save the sports giant thousands of dollars a month on lighting, since Bellotti’s suit will be neon green and glow-in-the-dark.

Tuffy: Finally, Tiger Woods has chosen ESPN as the recipient of the first interview granted since his dalliances were exposed last Thanksgiving weekend. The interview, airing Sunday night, will not have pre-screened questions, but Stevie Williams will have permission to slap Tom Rinaldi around like a rag doll any time the interview veers off-course and hits a tree. Or talks about doing so.

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”

Ron Washington, who tested positive for cocaine during 2009 season

The West Virginia basketball team, for Twitter videos of them lip-synching to Brian McKnight

Seton Hall’s Herb Pope, for punching a Texas Tech player in the groin in NIT loss

Tiger Woods, for his sext messages to porn star Joslyn James

Mariners pitcher Cliff Lee, for throwing at Chris Snyder during a spring training game and getting a five-game suspension

Ex-Ducks football coach Mike Bellotti, for leaving his AD job at Oregon to become an ESPN analyst

Swedish Paralympic curler Glenn Ikonen, who was suspended for doping

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About Suss

  • “the NCAA tourney will be renamed the Lane Bryant Invitational.”

    I guess they outbid MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”

  • Boeke

    Tiger Woods rejoins the golf circuit, with a couple modifications: after months of therapy he will play only one hole (over and over again) and his wife will be Chief Caddy, with the old caddy carrying his clubs in a bag and wife carrying his balls in her purse.

  • Charlie Doherty

    To comment #2: That’s assuming that Elin actually attends her hubby’s future golf outings, of course.