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THF: Push To Pass, Pull My Finger

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A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort, running the gamut from NBA to the Stanley Cup Finals, from Indianapolis’s 500 to Dontrelle Willis’s “two” … and bankrupt teams.

Tuffy: The NBA Finals will begin Thursday with the classic matchup of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers. In Magic Johnson’s house, the series is known as “Daddy’s Special Appearance Fee Payday.”

Suss: The Chicago Blackhawks took Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals with a wild 6-5 win over the Philadelphia Flyers. After 10 goals were scored in the first two periods, both teams pulled their respective Stanley Cup replicas from between the pipes and replaced them with humans in pads.

Tuffy: Dario Franchitti took his second Indy 500 Sunday after crossing the finish line with barely any fuel left in the tank. BP issued a statement, claiming its “Top Kill” technique stopped at least one fast-moving source of fuel.

Suss: After concerns that Super Bowl XLVIII in New York will be hampered by precipitation, the league responded to the concerns and planned for Super Bowl L to be played where there’s no chance for rainfall: the sunken city of Atlantis.

Tuffy: Roy Halladay claimed his first perfect game Saturday, the 20th in major league history less than a month after Oakland’s Dallas Braden completed the same feat. Reached for comment at home, Braden’s grandmother had nothing to say to Halladay on his special day but offered Alex Rodriguez the opportunity to continue sucking it until further notice.

Suss: And finally, some guys from Maine have said that they built a car powered by Diet Coke and Mentos. The innovative automotive builders said they knew they had a sure thing when it, too, lapped Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

What Were They Thinking?

Ex-NASCAR driver James Neal, arrested for high-speed police chase

Angels’ Kendry Morales, breaking leg during walkoff homer celebration

Canadian customs, detaining Orioles outfielder Adam Jones for his nonexistent criminal past

Ex-Yankees pitcher Hideki “The Toad” Irabu, for getting a DUI in California

New Zealand rugby player Finau Maka, for enslaving a Tunisian man in France

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