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THF: Memorially Shorter

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A partial transcript of an abbreviated Treehouse Fort featuring your Memorial Day sports viewing guide:
Suss: In what would have been the first big trade of the season, Padres ace pitcher Jake Peavy ultimately declined a trade that would have sent him to the Chicago White Sox for four pitching prospects. With this being his first false trade rumor, nine more punch holes on his Frequent Flip-Flopper card and he wins a time share in Biloxi, Mississippi and his own ESPN reporter/texting BFF during the offseason.
Tuffy: Multiple managers failed to properly fill out lineup cards this week, causing the Houston Astros to give up an out in the first inning and the Tampa Bay Rays to forgo their right to a designated hitter, forcing them to bat their pitcher third. Despite these high-profile gaffes, this has not stopped the manager of the Treehouse Fort soft-pitch softball team from filling out the team lineup card each week with Alyssa Milano as catcher and giggling like a schoolgirl when turning in the card. For those of you that do not know, the manager of the Treehouse Fort softball team is Barry Zito.
Suss: Denver’s Pepsi Center accidentally booked Game 4 of the Nuggets-Lakers series and a taping of WWE Raw on the same night. In response, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman criticized the move, asking why Yanni wasn’t booked that night as well.
Tuffy: Tony Kornheiser gave up his Monday Night Football gig this week, ostensibly to avoid traveling by plane. This followed the retirement of John Madden, who gave up a life on the road in his famed Madden Cruiser. Jon Gruden will replace Kornheiser, but NBC continues to shop for their new analyst. A wild card in the search has been William Shatner, who has publicly stated that “I have this whole traveling thing licked”. He then shouted into his cell phone to be “beamed” out of the conference call.
Suss: Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain exited Thursday’s game against the Orioles in the first inning after an Adam Jones line drive struck him in the knee. When the team trainer asked him to try walking on it, out of habit, Chamberlain touched his nose and recited the alphabet.
Tuffy: David Ortiz busted out of his home run-less streak this week by cracking one of five home runs hit by the Boston Red Sox against the Toronto Blue Jays’ Brett Cecil Wednesday night. The Toronto press now believes field manager Harold Beany’s job could be in jeopardy.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
• Royals fans for fighting in front of kids; and the lax security that allowed it
• Ryan Leaf, for being indicted on drug and burglary charges
• 20 Belgian bodybuilders, for fleeing championship after doping official walked into the room
• James Harrison, for skipping Steelers’ invitation to the White House as “no big deal”
• Rays manager Joe Maddon, for incorrectly listing two third basemen in the lineup, forfeiting their DH and forcing pitcher Andy Sonnanstine to hit third

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