A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort, featuring Unprofessional Foul editor James “Lingering Bursitis” Tyler:
Tuffy: The NBA referees have been locked out by the league after negotiations broke down; their replacements may include a referee that was fired for a mistake a half-dozen years ago. Donald Rumsfeld heard the news and called President Obama immediately.
Suss: Switching to college football, 7th ranked BYU lost to Florida State and #18 Utah fell to Oregon on Saturday. In an act of anger and solidarity, Utahns across the state set fire to their hearths, fireplaces, and lanterns.
Tuffy: Wayne Gretzky still hasn’t shown up to Jobing.com Arena for preseason games or practices for the Phoenix Coyotes as a result of the ongoing bankruptcy proceedings. Gretzky said in a brief statement, “In this way, I’m standing with the great people of Phoenix: any place where the Coyotes aren’t playing.”
Suss: The New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 16-9 on Sunday, making it the first time Tom Brady lost to the Jets since 2006, when quarterback Chad Pennington threw a … this just in, Chad Ochocinco did something wild and unpredictable. He celebrated after a touchdown. The last time he did that was in 2008, when … this just in, a study conducted by Johns Hopkins revealed that the NFL’s Red Zone Channel decreases the average person’s attention span by 45 percent. To correct this, doctors recommend … this just in, I just saw a cloud outside my window shaped like a claw hammer.
Tuffy: Cavs guard Delonte West was arrested in Maryland Thursday night after driving a motorcycle with two handguns on his person and carrying a shotgun in a guitar case. When asked to explain, West sighed and replied, “Do you want me to work on my shooting or not?”
Suss: And finally (and I do mean FINALLY!) FOX baseball analyst Tim McCarver is releasing a music album entitled Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook. The album is reportedly selling better than Joe Buck’s music album, Joe Buck Sings Selections From The Greatest Gregorian Chants.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Athletics South Africa president Leonard Chuene, for lying about knowledge of Caster Semenya’s gender tests
Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, for being overheard saying about Jake Delhomme “I never really liked you as a quarterback…”
Cavaliers guard Delonte West, for speeding on a motorcycle in Maryland while carrying three guns on his person
Yankees catcher Jorge Posada (again), for his cheap shot elbow to Blue Jays reliever Jesse Carlson
Buffalo Bills fan(s) who vandalized Leodis McKelvin’s home after loss to Pats
Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley, for telling a reporter “you understand why they haven’t won in 100 years here,” resulting in suspension for the year
Honorable mention: University of Michigan linebacker Jonas Mouton, for punching Notre Dame center (not BC publisher) Eric Olsen last Saturday