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THF: Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching NFL Playoffs

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A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:

Suss: In the NFL Divisional round of the playoffs, New Orleans and Minnesota both won their games by 31 points, with the Colts routing Baltimore by 17. In other news, BCS chairman Bill Hancock suffered a broken arm when he fell out of his chair laughing at the irony.

Tuffy: Mark McGwire admitted this week to using steroids as early as 1989, insisting that the usage was no more than health maintenance and did not enhance his strength or help him hit more home runs. Indeed, evidence produced later in the week proved the home run record was acquired through the use of Flubber-laced bats.

Suss: After leaving the University of Tennessee, new USC head coach Lane Kiffin says he plans to run a clean program. In response, Joe McKnight was seen around town driving a hybrid SUV.

Tuffy: The Australian Open kicked off this week with assurances from Serena Williams that she would not berate any officials during the tourney. Quoting Serena: “Are you kidding? An Aussie line judge makes me look like Chris Evert.”

Suss: A fire alarm went off during the Memphis Grizzlies’ home game against the Clippers Tuesday night. Building experts say the alarm was triggered by either a broken water pipe or Zach Randolph trying to pass the ball.

Tuffy: Finally, athletes like Samuel Dalembert and Pierre Garcon have been leading efforts to assist Haitians this week in the wake of the tremendous devastation caused by an earthquake. To honor the victims and help raise funds, the Minnesota Vikings have signed former NFL running back Rod Smart to a one-day contract and issued him a “He Haiti Me” uniform with all proceeds going to the American Red Cross. The jersey’s number? 90999.

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”

This week we look at the best of the 2009 candidates, so no poll this week. Next episode will cover the two-week span, so get your waggin’ finger handy.

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