A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:
Tuffy: Richard Seymour has been sent west to Oakland for a 2011 first-round pick. However, the secret key to the deal came when Patriots leader Bill Belichick offered Raiders owner Al Davis a quart of the valuable pineal gland juice that keeps him young and vibrant.
Suss: College football kicked off this weekend. Northern Iowa failed to upset Iowa after two last-second field goals were blocked. Ohio State averted an upset by Navy when they intercepted a 2-point conversion and ran it back. And Greg Paulus couldn’t understand why, in Minnesota’s overtime win over Syracuse, he wasn’t awarded free throws.
Tuffy: Danica Patrick is all but assured a spot in stock car racing next year under Tony Stewart’s tutelage. In honor of the move, her first training task will be a moonshine run through North Carolina… sorry, that should read a Moon Pie run through North Carolina for Stewart.
Suss: The Washington Redskins sued a 72-year-old bankrupt grandmother who couldn’t pay for the season tickets she signed a contract for. In a moment of judicial mercy, the judge allowed the broke grandmother to pay the Redskins in Christmas sweaters, cat food, or butterscotch candies.
Tuffy: With Andy Roddick and Venus Williams’ departure from the US Open, the State Department has been forced to send a press release again this year to quell the rumor that the exodus of US players from the US Open is because Vietnam has annexed Flushing Meadows.
Suss: And finally, ESPN’s adored sideline anchor Erin Andrews appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, scheduled to air September 11. While the bizarre story may help out ratings, audience members have been warned not to watch bootleg copies of Oprah, because they may be susceptible to a Trojan horse.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Oregon RB LeGarrette Blount for his post-game sucker punch of Boise State’s Byron Hout
Ex-Cowboys linebacker Eugene Lockhart, Jr., who was arrested and indicted for (alleged) mortgage fraud scheme
Yankees catcher Jorge Posada, who lost track of the count twice in one game
Welsh youth rugby team, who — while drunk — pushed a metal lawn roller into a sleeping player’s tent, fracturing her skull
MMA fighter Toni Valtonen: swastika tattoo on shoulder, “White Pride” one on his back
Former Kentucky basketball great Ed Davender, arrested for selling fake UK basketball tickets (and for selling controlled substances near a school)