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THF: Bad Metaphors Are The Devil’s Playthings

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A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:

Tuffy: Jay Cutler refused to speak to Bob Costas for tonight’s Sunday Night Football contest as well as Bears coach Lovie Smith and GM Jerry Angelo. NBC briefly considered making hay with the controversy about being spurned, but cooler heads prevailed when one NBC Sports executive reminded the collected braintrust just how difficult it is to find a Costas in a haystack.

Suss: In college football, Notre Dame lost to Connecticut in double overtime. The 33-30 defeat almost certainly sealed Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis’ fate at South Bend, but he says he has a pretty good feeling that he’ll be able to coach the UConn Huskies next season. Said Weis, “I think I have a bright future in dog sledding.” (Post-production note: audio jokes work great in print, don’t they?)

Tuffy: Jimmie Johnson clinched his fourth straight NASCAR Sprint Cup championship in a row today in Miami. However, a minor tragedy followed after the race when his pit crew saw all four trophies and attempted to change them out for four new tires.

Suss: Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, is now dating St. Louis Rams backup quarterback Kyle Boller. When asked about it, Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo said, “Well, that explains why he’s been hitting the film room more than anyone else on our team.”

Tuffy: Some English Premier League soccer players have apparently been receiving treatment from a Serbian woman who includes massages with a horse placenta in her regimen. She may be the first therapist to ever successfully care for athletes using the Mad Libs method of treatment selection.

Suss: And finally, a man was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport when authorities said he had 15 live lizards from Australia strapped across his chest. The police are stunned that a man could commit such a crime in cold blood.

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?

Ravens safety/punt returner Ed Reed, for lateraling the ball on a last-minute return, but fumbled it to Indy to end the game game, 17-15

Knicks guard Nate Robinson, for shooting at his own basket vs. Nets

Tennessee football fan and armed robbery victim Corey Zickefoose, for wanting the three players who robbed him to remain on the team

Patriots coach Bill Belichick, for going for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts

Titans owner Bud Adams, fined $250K for flipping the bird in the owners box

Clippers announcers Ralph Lawler and Michael Smith, for jokes about Iranian player Hamed Haddadi

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