This week on a special Wednesday edition of the Treehouse Fort:
Suss: Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for 4-6 games by Roger Goodell. Not for a pattern of behavior with single women, but for failing to use Roger’s new mandatory pick-up line, “Show me if your cable provider has NFL Network and I’ll show you mine.”
Tuffy: Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls dissed the city of Cleveland after his team’s Game 1 loss in that fair city, asking, “What’s so good about Cleveland?” Seth McFarlane responded, “All of the cash, none of the joke-writing!”
Suss: Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle accidentally shot the puck into his own net during overtime of Game 3 of their series vs. the Colorado Avalanche. It was the most regretful late night decision by a Boyle since Peter Boyle decided to eat that whole thing.
Tuffy: Cincinnati Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez was suspended 50 games for performance-enhancing drug use. He claimed the drug was prescribed to him to help him start a family. Reds doctors disavowed the actions of the Dominican pitcher, noting, “We recommended he pursue sexual intercourse with a female, but he insisted a pill was the way to go.”
Suss: The chief of Japanese soccer told fans to boo their own national team during games in order to toughen them up for the World Cup. To show them how it’s done, Team Japan has scheduled a friendly against the Philadelphia Union.
Tuffy: Finally, Lou Piniella named All-Star starter Carlos Zambrano as their new set-up man, applying his $18m deal to the role of cleaning up after the messes of the other substandard starters. Asked about the move, Piniella noted that he applied the tools he had to the situation he is in. Then he showed reporters his new window shade: Grant Wood’s “American Gothic.”
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Celtics forward Rasheed Wallace, for rebounding then scoring on the wrong basket against the Bulls
Celtics center Kevin Garnett, for elbowing Quentin Richardson, resulting in a one-game suspension
Baseball fan Matthew Clemmens, for intentionally vomiting on fans at a Phillies game
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, for his comments about Bill Parcells in a bar
Police officer who beat up student John McKenna after the Maryland-Duke game
Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle, for scoring on his own goalie in overtime of Game 3 vs. the Avalanche